if only i could have words to say...

Home is where the heart is

2012-02-10T22:44:00.001+07:00

Thank God It's Fridaaaayy! Alhamdulillah... Gue akan memanfaatkan weekend baru ini dengan sebaik-baiknya; menemani Ibu di rumah, baca buku-buku yang udah gue beli entah dari kapan dan lupa atau belum gue baca sampai selesai. Itu udah jadi rencana gue dari awal minggu ini. Dari hari Senin, hari pertama Ibu kontrol post op pengangkatan kista di ovariumnya.

Gue mungkin belum cerita Ibu sakit apa sejak gue nulis dua postingan sebelum postingan yang ini, tapi yang jelas minggu ini adalah minggu ke dua setelah operasi Ibu dilakuin. Gue cukup was-was karena tipikal Ibu adalah tipikal ibu rumah tangga yang nggak bisa diem kalo masih ada kerjaan yang belom kelar. Jadi di masa pemulihan ini, sebenernya Ibu belom boleh banyak gerak. So it's my extra duty to watch over her at home.

Tiga hari yang lalu Papa berangkat dinas untuk urusan kerjaan yang kayaknya cukup penting karena udah disiapin dari berbulan-bulan yang lalu, jauh sebelum tau Ibu sakit. Jadi, setelah Ibu operasi, Papa ga bisa lanjut nemenin terus di masa pemulihan karena harus dinas, Bik Lin, Bibik yang kerja di rumah tante gue, yang dipinjem buat bantu-bantu di rumah selama Ibu pemulihan juga nggak bisa lama-lama karena harus pulang kampung. Uda Dany nggak di rumah, karena kerja di Halmahera Timur, Adek sibuk sekolah dan bimbel, berangkat Subuh dan pulang setelah Isya.

Dan gue baru aja masuk stase baru, Oral Medicine, atau IPM, yaah, kayak IPD nya FK. Satu-satunya stase klinik tanpa tindakan di bidang kedokteran gigi. Kalo di stase kilinik lain, kita pasti ngelakuin tindakan untuk nanganin pasien dan segala macemnya yang kemudian mungkin jadi alasan untuk memberi nama lain dentist dengan dental surgeon, sedangkan di Ilmu Penyakit Mulut, nggak ada tindakan, semuanya diagnosis dan treatment non-bedah. Ilmunya kurang lebih mirip Ilmu Penyakin Kulit dan Kelamin, tapi manifestasinya di mulut, cara belajarnya mungkin nggak beda-beda amat dari Ilmu Penyakit Dalam, bedanya, nggak ada jaga malam. Hehehe... Emang nggak ada jaga malem, nggak perlu nginep di asrama kayak stase Bedah Mulut, tapi gue udah lama juga nggak pulang lebih sore dan menjelang malam dan bertemu dengan segenap warga luar Jakarta lain yang harus macet-macetan untuk pulang ke rumah di sore hari. Harusnya satu jam jadi dua jam sampe rumah. Ini yang menyebabkan gue cuma ada di rumah dalam waktu yang jauh lebih singkat daripada ada di luar rumah. Dan akhirnya harus ambil andil dalam daftar orang-orang yang bikin Ibu kesepian di rumah di saat pemulihan.

Kemaren gue sempetin cerita-cerita sama Ibu sepulang dari kampus (Ibu pasti kesepian nggak ada temen ngobrol kalo di rumah), Ibu baru bilang kalo sempet nangis pas Papa berangkat, waktu itu gue dan Adek lagi di kampus dan sekolah, soalnya udah lama banget Papa nggak dikirim buat dinas, karena emang udah usia mau pensiun gitu. Ibu langsung sendirian deh di rumah. Emang dasar gue si anak gengsian, cuma bilang "Ah, Ibuuu, sabar yah... Bentar doang...". Sebenernya sedih aja gue tiba-tiba, kasian sama Ibu, lagi sakit tapi malah kesepian. Dua hari yang lalu, gue sempet agak bernada tinggi sama Ibu via telepon waktu kartu ATM gue ngadat pin nya, dan ternyata Ibu salah ngasih pin. Ibu, seperti biasa, sabar dan nyuruh pelan-pelang ngulang ngetik nomor pin nya. Nggak berapa menit setelah kejadian itu, gue langsung ngerasa bersalah udah bernada tinggi sama Ibu. Emang dasar gue si anak gengsian, gue akhirnya sms "Bu, uangnya udah Ami ambil, bentar lagi Ami pulang yah... Ibu lagi apa?". Harusnya gue emang minta maaf, tapi susah. Terus gue rasanya pengen pinjem pintu ke mana saja-nya Doraemon dan langsung pulang ke rumah, waktu Ibu bales: "Lagi ngaji sendirian di rumah". Then, I whispered: Mom, I wished I was with you through your recovery days.

Malemnya, Ibu pergi keluar sebentar, ada yang harus dibeli. Adek belom pulang dari bimbel, gue sendirian di rumah. The moment she was gone, gue tiba-tiba nangis. Well, silahkan bilang gue lebay. But this was really what I felt. Gue tiba-tiba jadi kangen rumah sempit ini penuh sama ke lima anggota keluarga gue. Ada Papa yang kerjanya suka lupa minum air putih dan milih minum teh manis padahal udah disiapin air putih dengan gelas segede gaban di depan mukanya, Ibu yang sering ngomel soalnya gue suka males ngepel lantai yang ketetesan keringet gue pas olahraga sore, Adek yang suka bergolek di depan tivi, nonton NCIS sampe ketiduran, dan Uda Dany yang paling sering bongkar kulkas dan lemari di dapur buat nyari makanan. Dan nggak sabar hari Jumat karena di weekend ada kebiasaan jalan keluar malam hari kalo Uda Dany lagi pulang ke rumah.

Waktu itu gue lagi sibuk nyiapin presentasi materi IPM gue buat besoknya sambil buka e-mail. Eh ternyata Papa kirim e-mail dari tadi pagi, gue baru baca. Nggak tau kenapa, jadi sedih. Segini jauhnya yah si Papa, sampe nelepon aja susah. Papa cuma nanya kabar, ngasih tau kabarnya di sana, ngingetin supaya Ibu nggak banyak bergerak, nyuruh nelepon Bik Lin supaya balik lagi ke rumah, dan nanya si Adek gimana bimbelnya. Simple e-mail, but I was touched. If I were on his place, maybe I'd become too busy that I forgot to text my family at home, not noticing that I could be this lonely if I'm home and the rest of my family are busy far from home. Mungkin Ibu juga ngerasa kayak gitu, bahkan jauh lebih sering, waktu suaminya, dan anak-anaknya sibuk di luar ngurusin urusan-urusan yang nggak ada kaitannya dengan beliau, beliau tetep di rumah, ngurusin semua hal yang selalu ada kaitannya dengan suami dan anak-anaknya.

Gue agak sedikit vulnerable belakangan ini kalo ada sesuatu yang mengenai urusan keluarga. Nggak tau kenapa, kayaknya makin kesini, makin berasa banget pentingnya keutuhan keluarga. Harusnya gue lebih banyak ngabisin waktu bareng mereka. Sejak Uda Dany kerja jauh banget di tempat yang nggak ada sinyal telepon, Adek yang harus pergi Subuh pulang Isya, gue yang makin hari makin tua di jalan, dan Papa yang sibuk di kantor, serta Ibu yang sendirian di rumah. Satu hal yang suka bikin gue ketawa pas Ibu cerita tentang harinya di malam hari waktu gue iseng-iseng tanya adalah responnya waktu gue bilang, "Yah, baru gini aja udah kesepian, katanya mau Ami nikah, nanti kalo Ami ikut suami gimana?", beliau jawab dengan ringan dan gampangnya, "Kan ada cucu, makanya kamu kerja deh silahkan, cucunya biar Ibu yang urus, sehat deh Ibu pasti kalo ngurus cucu...".

Kalau sesuai rencana, Insya Allah Uda Dany bakal pulang tanggal 19 nanti sampe dua minggu, dan Papa pulang tanggal 23. Jadi, gue sangat sangat sangat nggak sabar nunggu akhir Februari dengan keluarga yang lengkap. Termasuk Ibu yang udah kembali pulih secara total. Biasanya Februari itu emang selalu ada hal-hal baru dalam hidup gue, entah pelajaran baru hingga gue jadi banyak bersyukur dengan hidup gue di bulan ini, atau cerita baru yang bikin gue ngerasa beruntung dan bahagia. Kalo orang lain mulainya bulan Januari, mungkin gue akhir Februari. Hehehe, nggak nyambung sih. Tapi mudah-mudahan akhir Februari ini semuanya akan jadi lebih baik, bisa kumpul sekeluarga di rumah. Cause home is where the heart is...

The love of my life

Happy weekend! Gue akan menghabiskan weekend ini dengan berada di rumah, nemenin Ibu dan ikutan istirahat bareng Ibu. Kayaknya seminggu pertama di stase baru ini, gue kurang tidur banget. Dan kurang ngobrol sama Ibu. Thank Allah it's Friday! :')

Second Opinion

2012-01-29T21:39:00.001+07:00

Before January ends, let's talk about resolution. By the way, this year 2012 what I would be like?

Probably most people may answer that question with series of resolutions they have had arranged way before new year. Some people may be passionately developing strategies to achieve those targets, and some other people might have competing to gain those spectacular missions they have dreamed of. And less people might have passed new year's eve by just sleeping.

Nah, I might be one of those less people who spent the new year's eve by just sleeping. It could be said that I never really into enthusiasm of new year's eve, moreover the day after that is holiday, so for me, as an intern dentist, even a brief holiday like that was precious that I must spend it sleeping. Hehehe.

Talking about resolutions, for me, resolutions shouldn't have to be made only in every turning year. They could be made every time you want a better change in life. Like me. What has had happened months ago has taught me that feelings sometimes blinds you. When you believe in one thing you like or you love, you believe that this would be like what you feel, besides, you just didn't get it that this might be your too-high expectation. So, the next thing you could probably do was just accepting again and again, that's what happened when you believe, but God does not believe it. That's what you should learn, that's when you think you know one particular thing would happen, but God does not think that you deserve it to happen, or it deserves you in return. So, ever since that time, I started to wash away what has made me holding on to such faith and start to give up on God to guide about whom or which I'll got faith on. Cause maybe I, unconsciously, thought that I have had already gave up on His plans, but in fact, I hadn't. Now, let's say this new year is another start, I think I will be only biding my time while giving up on Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala and trying to make a better me.

By the way, I got such a precious offer by the end of last year. An offer that has brought me to the thought of rearranging my future. An offer that could influence my future plans and choices. Future plans I have been dreaming since years ago. I have many choices, but this one has made me think twice. What's that offer? I can not tell you :p But this offer probably is one of His plans.

To make a decision about this 'gold' offer, I need a second opinion. Well, I have asked my closest ones about this choice, and they brought it back to me, some of them suggested me to have another second opinion, which will really mean to it. I mean, this another second opinion should be so much important for me that I could finally decide which one is the best, to accept this offer or not.

Okay, what is second opinion, anyway?

In medical, second opinion means another opinion from another doctor in order to get more treatment options and to gain more broad analysis to conclude the differential diagnosis, so that patients could choose which one the best they will take. It's like patient's privilege. But.... the second opinion in my case isn't like that, I mean, let's say, it helps me to conclude the diagnosis and treatment plans, but diagnosis here means my final decision to this offer, and the treatment plans is my other future plans which should be changed due to my final decision. Hehe. Too complicated to understand, huh?

Well, so I think I am in the need of this second opinion, a second opinion which will influence my decision, which will affect my future, hold a big role in my future plans. I don't make any target. Not anymore thinking that 'I can't imagine anyone else', all I have in mind now is just 'I can't imagine anyone'. I have given up. The best second opinion is on its way and yet to come.

Picture from weheartit.com

Mono-dialog Saya Tentang Ibu

2012-01-18T23:51:00.001+07:00

picture from weheartit.com

Ini kejadiannya dua hari yang lalu. Eh, nggak deng, ini sudah sering terjadi. Tapi kembali terjadi dua hari yang lalu, waktu sistem imun tubuh saya akhirnya kalah dijajah oleh bakteri dan virus penyakit ISPA (Infeksi Saluran Pernafasan Akut) dan saya lagi istirahat di rumah dengan manis dan lucu, sesuai saran dokter. Saya sekarang menjalani stase Public Health yang sama sekali nggak menarik perhatian saya. Apalagi, saya kebagian menjadi chief di stase ini. Oke, sudah tentang PH, saya cukup muak membahas itu.

Penyakit yang sedang menyerang tubuh saya ini membuat suhu tubuh saya mencapai 39.1 derajat celcius. Untung tekanan darah saya masih lumayan, walau pun cenderung rendah. Hidung saya terus-menerus mengeluarkan sekretnya yang encer dan... euuwhh lebih baik nggak dipaparkan di sini, walau pun nggak jijijk sih menurut saya, tapi kan yang baca blog ini bukan saya doang. Dokter nyaranin saya untuk istirahat minimal 2 hari di rumah, tapi saya harus melaksanakan program PH saya di Puskesmas di daerah Serpong lusanya. Jadi, dengan kebijakan yang saya buat sendiri, saya nggak masuk satu hari aja, dan akan masuk lusanya, di hari program.

Di hari saya istirahat di rumah, kerja saya cuma tidur, selimutan sampai cukup berkeringat dan nunggu suhu tubuh saya turun. Makan sedikit kurang bernafsu, minum obat, dan tidur lagi. Di rumah cuma ada saya dan Ibu, yang seperti biasa, sibuk dengan semua pekerjaan rumah. Semua. Perlu diulang.

Di siang bolong, sekitar jam sholat dzuhur saya terbangun gara-gara kedinginan dan mendapati Ibu tertidur di sebelah saya dengan ekspresi kecapekan. Sangat kecapekan sampai beliau nggak ngerasa dingin. Saya berhenti sejenak dari niat ingin bangun dari tempat tidur, saya pandangi wajah Ibu saya yang kelihatan terlalu capek. Lalu saya mulai berpikir, apa saja yang pernah saya lakukan hingga saya bisa secapek itu, apa saya pernah melakukan suatu pekerjaan yang membuat saya menjadi secapek itu, atau apakah saya bisa melakukan hal-hal yang membuat saya secapek itu. Semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu muncul di kepala saya bertepatan dengan sebongkah batu besar menghantam dada saya hingga sakit sekali dan membuat air mata saya menetes.

Saya perlu cerita sedikit tentang Ibu...

Ibu saya sudah hampir paruh baya. Beliau bukan ibu yang sama dengan kebanyakan ibu-ibu dari teman-teman saya. Ibu nggak kerja di kantor, nggak pergi ke salon kecuali untuk potong rambut pendek (nggak lain supaya memudahkan pekerjaannya di rumah), Ibu nggak pergi ke dokter kulit untuk perawatan wajah, Ibu juga nggak ke mall untuk berkumpul dengan ibu-ibu lainnya sekedar hang-out seperti yang mungkin saya lakukan kalau sudah jadi ibu-ibu. Ibu juga nggak suka makan di restoran, dan sering bosan dengan masakannya sendiri (padahal masakannya enak banget, dan semua orang suka). Ibu nggak suka pakai baju-baju mahal, lebih sering belanja di Tanah Abang daripada di butik. Ibu nggak sekolah tinggi, cuma tamatan SMA, dengan ijazah sejak SD-nya hilang entah kemana. Ibu dulu minder untuk nerima beasiswa sekolah yang lebih tinggi, karena nggak ada biaya buat ongkos dan beli ini-itu. Ibu nggak punya ayah sejak kelas 6 SD. Ibu nggak bisa bangun dari sujud terakhirnya di setiap sholat sebelum memanjatkan semua doa yang baik-baik bagi keluarganya.

Ibu saya adalah sosok yang bagi saya merupakan ibu dan istri yang sesungguhnya. Ada di rumah, menjaga dan merawat anak-anaknya dengan telaten, merawat seisi rumah beserta perabot-perabotnya, memastikan semua penghuni rumah sehat dan makan kenyang. Dan belum bisa makan malam kalau Papa belum pulang dari kantor, kecuali minta izin dulu dari Papa, padahal mungkin Papa nggak keberatan Ibu makan duluan.

Dan saya sangat membanggakan Ibu, apa pun tingkat pendidikannya, bagaimana pun pergaulannya, seperti apa pun kesehariannya. Saya nggak menemukan sisi jelek Ibu.

Eh, kok jadi banyak tentang Ibu?

Waktu itu saya nggak sadar saya mulai sedikit menangis ngeliat Ibu, otak saya mulai merinci apa saja yang sudah Ibu lakukan sampai jam segini sejak subuh tadi, dan saya tercengang sendiri di antara sesak di dada saya. Hampir semua pekerjaan rumah sudah beres. Dan Ibu nggak pernah berhenti melakukan itu semua. Pernah sesekali Ibu bilang capek, atau bosan. Tapi Ibu nggak seperti saya yang mungkin akan langsung berhenti melakukan rutinitas itu. Ibu tetap melakukannya.

Lalu apa yang sudah saya lakukan buat Ibu? Ini bukan pertanyaan yang baru pertama kali muncul di pikiran saya, sudah ribuan kali. Tapi saya belum bisa memberi jawaban yang memuaskan, yang nggak menimbulkan pertanyaan-pertanyaan baru seperti; Memangnya itu cukup untuk Ibu? Apa kamu yakin itu bisa menghapus lelah di wajah Ibu yang mulai banyak keriput? Apa kamu pernah tau apa sebenarnya yang diinginkan Ibu darimu? dan apa kamu peduli akan apa yang diinginkan Ibu?

Saya punya banyak cita-cita, keinginan, rencana hidup, apalah itu. Banyak banget, dan hampir semuanya ide cemerlang yang hebat, hampir semuanya pengen saya raih. Kalau semuanya itu saya ceritakan ke Ibu, beliau akan dengan bijaknya bilang akan selalu mendukung saya agar dapat yang terbaik, lalu beliau akan menyuruh saya tidur cepat sebelum larut, banyak istirahat, lupakan ide-ide saya untuk mengurangi jumlah makan, menjaga kesehatan, selalu berdoa dan memohon pada Allah dan rajin belajar. Ibu akan selalu menambahkan untuk nggak banyak mengeluh waktu saya menghadapi kesulitan-kesulitan sepanjang perjalanan saya meraih semua itu, Ibu akan selalu mengeluarkan jurus pamungkasnya berupa suruhan untuk selalu ingat bersyukur, dan melihat ke bawah, bahwa masih banyak orang-orang yang jauh lebih tidak seberuntung saya, memiliki kesempatan untuk bermimpi, bahkan mewujudkan mimpi-mimpi.

Jadi, apa cita-cita, keinginan, rencana hidup, mimpi Ibumu, Rahmi? Naik haji? Itu? Kamu sudah tau itu, Rahmi. Semua Muslim di dunia punya mimpi seperti itu, dan bisa melihat Ibu naik haji merupakan salah satu diantara banyaknya cita-cita saya. Lalu apalagi? Suara di dada saya kembali bertanya. Saya tiba-tiba ngerasa super jahat, saya nggak tau. Total blank. Apa, dong? Ingin punya cucu dari rahimmu? Ingin punya mantu? Ingin lihat kamu jadi dokter gigi? Itu kamu tau.

Rahmi, apa kamu berpikir semua yang Ibu inginkan berkaitan dengan dirimu dan saudara-saudaramu? Berkaitan dengan Papa? Suara itu menggema di dada saya. Saya rasanya mau nangis lebih kencang, tapi saya tahan, jadi dada saya terasa semakin sesak, leher saya semakin sakit, tercekik oleh pikiran-pikiran saya sendiri.

Coba saya pikir, bagaimana jika saya nggak bisa meraih semua cita-cita saya dan saya akhirnya hanya akan diam di rumah, merawat seluruh anak-anak saya dan suami saya, menjaga dan merawat rumah, memastikan seluruh anggota keluarga sehat dan makan kenyang. Jadi, apa keinginan Ibu? Dan keikhlasan sebesar apa yang membuat Ibu akhirnya bisa bertahan sampai saat ini?

Malam ini, Ibu tiba-tiba sakit perut yang sangat, sampai nangis. Saya bingung, saat-saat seperti ini lah saya merasa bodoh karena lebih memilih kedokteran gigi dibanding kedokteran. Saya cuma bisa minta Papa bawa Ibu ke IGD terdekat. Dokter belum tau Ibu sakit apa, belum sempat USG karena sudah terlalu malam dan dokter penyakit dalamnya baru ada besok pagi. Pulang dari IGD saya lihat salah satu obat yang dikasih ke Ibu: Tramadol. Oke, berarti rasa sakit yang diderita Ibu dari tadi adalah sakit yang sangat sakit.

Saya bukan anak yang rajin menunjukkan kasih sayang saya ke Ibu, bukan juga anak yang menangis di depan Ibu karena sedih melihat keadaan Ibu. Saya cenderung cuek dan pura-pura galak supaya Ibu istirahat dan minum obat. Tapi begitu Ibu tadi pergi ke IGD, saya nggak bisa tahan sesak saya di dada, rasanya semua membuncah, sedih sejadi-jadinya. Apalagi yang harus Ibu ikhlaskan? Rasa sakit itu tolong jangan terlalu membuat Ibu menderita. Cukup menyiksa saya, anak yang sering mengecewakan Ibu, dengan melihat Ibu sakit. Jangan lagi, ya Allah. Sembuhkan Ibu, angkat penyakitnya. Amin.

Imperfect True Friend

2012-01-04T21:52:00.002+07:00

Picture taken from www.weheartit.com

What do you expect for a true friend?

Okay, let's define what true friend is, first.

True friend here, means a friend that Insha Allah, will lasts forever, that keeps you when you sleep or awake. That spends the rest of a life time with you. That you love and loves you in return because Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala created you to be together.

So, what do you expect for your true friend?

Sometimes we, unconsciously, wanting to have a true friend who's nearly perfect. Even perfect. Besides, perfection only belongs to Allah. Sometimes, people expect a nearly perfect partner without looking back at themselves and ask, "have I already been good enough for them?" or, "am I deserved to have a true friend like them?".

Well, I don't say that people may not expect the best, it's humanly. I, myself, sometimes think about it. Everyone wants the best, but if that's so, what will happen with those who aren't the best? What will happen in this world if everyone looks for perfection?

According to my opinion, if you're meant to be with somebody, insha Allah they will become a 'perfect' one for you. No matter how many minuses they had. But how do you know a particular person is meant to be with you if you lock your door? Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala have told us that the good for the good, the bad for the bad. So why worry? Women with purity are for men with purity, men with purity are for women with purity (QS 24:26). I think we, human whose so many desires and mostly demanding, should always learn to be a better person. What better person? Besides ibadah, be better on many sides of life. I mean, some of you, including me, have bad histories. Move on, this is enough, do not look back and grieve over the past, for it has gone. And do not be troubled for future, but be humble for it.

For example, let's say there's a man, having some ordinary criteria for his future wife. It's okay to have some, but I think, don't be too tight. This man wants to have a wife who looks more beautiful with hijab/scarf. He wants that woman who keeps modesty. It's good! But who knows if a woman who's meant to be with him is a woman who hasn't committed for wearing hijab? Should he choose to not accept it?

I believe if one day, he could hold her hands and guide her that wearing hijab is an obligation, and it's good for her, for protecting her, and for him to love her more, and for Allah to give His mercy for their family, it will be much better. Isn't it more beautiful? I remember one thing Oasis had sung, true perfection has to be imperfect. Isn't this enough to explain that imperfection is a hidden beauty you have to dig?

So, why demanding? :)

I, put trust in Him. That no one is better for me except what He has sent to me. How to find the right man? By improving self.... and keep this heart solely only for him, not to lock it tightly, but to keep it 'fresh and clean'.

Women were made to be found and to be loved. So, why men, with all their superiorities, should also wait to be found? It's not your role, guys! :)

(Inspired after tough conversations with so-called wordsmith, feelosopher)

Malam minggu paling emosional

2011-12-26T22:48:00.000+07:00

picture from weheartit.com

Waktu itu, malam minggu yang paling emosional. Rasanya berantakan dan hancur, entah kenapa juga gue merasa gue sangat kesal dan kecewa. Gue marah sejadi-jadinya, marah yang nggak bisa dikeluarin sampe nyesek di dada.

Waktu itu, gue jadi supir bagi Papa dan Ibu ke resepsi pernikahan anak salahs atu kerabat Papa. Once more, it was Saturday night, and as another Saturday night, the traffic was so damn terrible, moreover, it was raining. Dan tiba-tiba di sebuah tanjakan di tol dalam kota yang waktu itu lagi padat merayap dan hujan, wiper mobil mati.

I should tell you, first. Ibu 'nggak pernah' setuju dengan ide bahwa gue akan menjadi 'supir' mereka ke resepsi malam itu. Ibu emang nggak pernah percaya bahwa gue bisa nyetirin mobil dengan baik dan benar, bahkan di dalam kondisi yang sulit sekali pun. Itu lah Ibu, cuma percaya Papa dan Uda Dany sebagai supir yang baik. Gue? Bukan pilihan. Ini sebenernya cerita yang sederhana, tapi the way I felt that night was so complicated. Ini bukan kali pertama Ibu mengeluh sepanjang perjalanan tentang cara gue nyetir mobil. Bukan juga kali pertama Ibu mendesah panik setiap gue ngerem sedikit atau nyalip mobil sebelah. Somehow, itu mengganggu dan gue sudah terbiasa untuk nyuekin ke-paranoid-an Ibu.

I didn't understand, kenapa malam itu rasanya gue kecewa dan ingin marah pada ke-parno-an Ibu yang semakin parah dan berlebihan. Waktu itu-yang biasanya gue bisa becandain ketakutan Ibu-gue malah terus nyetir dalam diam. Nggak peduli sama apa pun. Nggak mau ngomong. I was like angry and disappointed all at once. Gimana bisa seorang anak menjadi pandai kalau orang tuanya sendiri aja nggak percaya anaknya bisa? Gimana bisa seorang anak membuktikan bahwa dia bisa berhasil kalau orang tuanya sendiri nggak ngasih kesempatan untuk membuktikannya? I was so disappointed that I lost my appetite when we arrived at the reception even though I was starving along the way coming there. I even didn't give any smiles away to others at the reception. I was like gonna cry. Maybe it's too much. It was just too emotional.

I cursed at the way Ibu thought that I drive badly and how she never believed me for that. I was so sad and sometimes dropped my tears without her knowing. Everything might seemed simple, but the thing I felt was like an accumulation of everything.

Sampe akhirnya gue ketemu sama salah seorang temen Ibu dan Papa, seorang janda yang musim haji kemarin berhasil naik haji. Kebetulan beliau ini daftar tabungan haji nya barengan sama Ibu, but she's more lucky that she could go first while Ibu hasn't got the opportunity. Waktu itu hati gue lagi keras-kerasnya, gue bahkan nggak peduli gue ketemu sama kerabat orang tua gue yang mana, gue pengen cepet-cepet pulang dan tidur, berharap yang kejadian malam itu cuma mimpi.

"Alhamdulillah, indah banget di sana, pas liat Kakbah, rasanya pengen nangis, nggak mau pulang, ayo Bu Agam, cepet-cepet deh...", begitu kata temen Ibu dan Papa ini. Hati gue mulai melunak pelan-pelan.

"Iya, belom kesempatan nih, pengennya sih tahun depan, atau tahun depannya lagi." Ibu nambahin, gue kaku seketika.

"...Belom sempet nyisihin uangnya, iya sih, rencananya mau tahun 2012 ini lah kalo ada rejeki." Papa nambahin.

Gue inget satu dan lain hal, kuliah dan sekolah gue dan Adek yang masih jadi tempat utama buat ngabisin uang gajian bulanan Papa. Masa perklinikan gue yang nguras banyak uang untuk ini dan itu. Dan masih banyak lainnya. Gue inget Ibu suka banget jalan-jalan sendirian ke Pasar Tanah Abang, bukan untuk belanjain baju-baju kesukaannya, tapi selalu pengen beliin baju-baju untuk anak-anak perempuannya, padahal uang yang ada sebenernya pas-pasan. Ibu selalu nggak memikirkan dirinya sendiri. Gue berasa kayak anak nggak tau diri. Gue kan udah tau dari dulu, Ibu pengen banget bisa naik haji. Pengennya pengen banget. Dulu Ibu sendiri yang berusaha nyari tabungan haji yang paling bagus dan cocok, padahal sebenernya gue bisa nyariin, tapi gue waktu itu terlalu sibuk ngurusin urusan gue sendiri yang mungkin sebenernya bisa ditunda atau dikesampingkan. Gue inget gimana Ibu, yang tanpa pembantu rumah tangga, ngerjain hampir semua pekerjaan rumah sendiri, tapi bersikeras nganterin pasien full veneer gue yang udah tua ke kampus pulang-pergi selama perawatan yang lebih dari 10 kali pertemuan. Gue berasa kayak anak paling egois. Dulu Ibu pengen banget ditemenin daftar tabungan haji soalnya berharap gue lebih ngerti soal per-bank-bank-an walau pun gue bukan lah orang bank. Dan gue inget pas akhirnya gue nemenin beliau buka tabungan hajinya pertama kali dan nyetorin uang sisa belanjanya yang beliau kumpulin. Wajahnya berseri, penuh harapan bisa segera berangkat haji, selalu semangat nyeritain rencana-rencana hajinya, dan penuh doa setiap malam supaya diberi kesempatan dan cukup usia biar sempet ke tanah suci.

Tapi di bulan-bulan berikutnya Ibu mulai jarang dan nggak teratur nyetorin uangnya ke tabungan haji karena harus bayar ini itu yang lebih mendadak. Uang belanja pun kadang malah kurang dan Ibu harus nunda setorannya. Nggak bisa ngandelin dari mana-mana lagi karena emang cuma Papa yang kerja. Sementara gue masih aja jadi anak koass yang butuh uang banyak untuk ini itu. Jadi seorang sarjana yang belom punya penghasilan sendiri dan masih tergantung sama orang tua. Gue belom sama sekali menghasilkan apa pun.

Secara nggak langsung mau pun langsung, gue jadi salah satu penyebab Ibu belom juga berangkat naik haji, sampe sekarang.

Saat itu juga, hati gue yang lagi keras-kerasnya melunak dan rasanya pengen nangis keras-keras bahwa betapa hal sepele aja bisa bikin gue kesal sementara hal besar yang secara kronis terjadi pada Ibu akibat penundaan setoran hajinya karena pengorbanannya buat gue dan anak-anaknya yang lain, Ibu bisa sabar, dan selalu sabar, dan selalu sabar. Gue merasa seperti anak durhaka yang sempet punya rasa kesal dan kecewa pada Ibu, orang yang sebenernya mungkin sering gue kecewakan dan buat sedih. Orang yang nggak pernah berenti doain gue bahkan termasuk di saat gue mungkin lupa bahwa gue bisa hidup, berhasil, atau sehat, adalah karena doa dan kasih sayangnya yang nggak pernah ada absennya.

Waktu itu, malam minggu yang paling emosional. Rasanya seperti orang bodoh dan nggak tau diri. Gue tau kenapa gue merasa seperti itu, karena gue belom bisa ngasih apa-apa untuk Ibu dan malah berlagak seperti gue berhak merasa kecewa terhadap Ibu. Gue sedih sejadi-jadinya, sedih yang nggak bisa dikeluarin sampe nyesek di dada.

Selamat hari Ibu, 22 Desember kemarin. Maaf kalo Ami belum bisa memberi apa yang Ibu inginkan, maaf kalau Ami selama ini belum pernah bisa membiayai Ibu naik haji. Maaf kalo Ami suka lupa bahwa kasih sayang Ibu ke Ami nggak pernah berhenti dan nggak pernah ada gantinya. Semoga Ibu bahagia atas pencapaian Ami yang bukan apa-apa selama ini, semoga Ibu bangga punya anak seperti Ami. Ami sayang Ibu, dan nggak ada wanita lain yang lebih Ami sayang dari pada Ibu. Tau nggak, Bu? Ami sedang berusaha memberi Ibu "hadiah" yang terbaik, jadi menunggulah dengan sabar. Karena kesabaran membawa hasil yang terbaik.

Mungkin Ami adalah anak paling gengsi yang pernah ada di muka bumi, everyone knows it, but I hope you know that whatever I did if I ever hurt you, never meant that I don't love you. I might have done many stupid mistakes, but whatever I'm doing now is nothing else but for you to be proud and to live happily and always healthy.

Il Divo - Mama

Nb. This should've been posted last 22nd of December. I was too busy I lost my time in front of the laptop, I just found it today.

My Birthday: Overdose of Happiness :p

2011-12-11T12:31:00.001+07:00

This should've been posted in my birthday, almost a month ago. My 22nd biirrrthhdaaaaaayyy! Honestly I had no idea what to wished for cause I think the wishes have been the same for each year. And the older I am (I hope the mature I am), the more I think that I have to forget about the bad history and leave them behind, the more I assume that blowing birthday candles is like blowing out my times living in this world. The faster I will leave the people I loved (no, I don't mean to write sad things, sorry :D)

Well, I was on my Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery Stage in RSCM, my 5th day there when my birthday held. Since, OMF Surgery, maybe like other surgery stages in medical faculty, had never been too busy and hard, we only did SOAP (Subjective, Objective, Assessment, Planing) for the patients, minor surgery assistance, and major surgery assistance. Also seeing so many 'bizarre' cases (since RSCM is referral center hospital from all over Indonesia) so that I could learn many interesting new stuffs. It was all so fun, that I feel blessed having birthday in this stage, hehe this made me having another new wish like entering this specialty after being a dental surgeon later on, even though I haven't really decide where to go on specialty. Cause I had no full interests in other specialty programs :p

The moment I mostly remember from my birthday at this stage is a senior resident of OMF surgery practiced my stupid face. Acted like me when I was asked "So, you're the birthday girl?". I didn't believe I had that kind of expression. -_____-

My friends and family, they've been so lovely. I got many presents and surprises! The most beautiful thing I got was from Uda Dany. Not because of the stuff he gave me, but the way he made the surprise. Like what I have posted last month that he's now in East Halmahera for work, no signal and internet connection. I was surprised that in the evening of my birthday, a postman came and delivered a package from him. Actually it was from his girlfriend (a friend of his, a girl, I mean). She wrote a letter inside the package that Uda Dany had bought the gift way before he went to East Halmahera. I suddenly felt my eyes filled with tears (and still didn't wanna let them dropped). Gosh, I've imagined a birthday without my complete family (my sister was also at Jogjakarta), but their love never leave me alone.

What a wonderful birthday! Moreover, I had these people spared their busy times for me.....

They made me look like this...

Hahaha! Thank you guys, also very big thanks and love for my group D! Cannot post their pictures. :*

Teacher's Teaching

2011-11-29T20:21:00.001+07:00

"Jadi, kamu tau nggak sebenarnya langkah-langkahnya?", "Kamu nggak belajar, ya?!", "Kamu nggak boleh kerja lain kali kalo nggak tau langkah-langkahnya!", "Be*o! Fungsi ini apa? Apa saja yang kamu tau tentang ini? Bagaimana mekanismenya?!"

Bayangkan yang bicara itu, mukanya jutek, matanya melotot, ekspresinya melihat lo seakan-akan meremehkan lo, nadanya serius dan nantangin lo buat jawab pertanyaan-pertanyaannya yang sebenernya mungkin lo tau atau senggaknya pernah baca, tapi lo jadi have no idea gimana jawabnya, karena cara dia bicara udah pake emosi tingkat Dewi Kwan Im dan pembawaannya seperti dosen paling pintar seantero dunia keilmuan. Bayangkan beliau bicara seperti itu di depan lo. Gue yakin sebagian besar dari lo entah akan takut dan berdiri kaku dengan muka blo'on nggak tau mau ngapain, atau berusaha jawab dengan jawaban-jawaban yang walau pun benar atau salah, beliau akan tetap marah, atau lo akan nunduk nyerah sambil dimarah-marahin dan disumpah-sumpahin. Dan lo akan pulang ke rumah dengan dua kemungkinan; pertama, lo akan mencari tau jawaban dari pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu dengan segan, atau kedua, lo sama sekali nggak semangat dan ngerasa terpacu untuk tau jawabannya, semanta-mata karena lo nggak suka dengan cara si beliau ini menuntut lo untuk 'bisa'.

"Coba, menurut kamu gimana bisa jadi seperti ini?", "Emangnya apa aja yang mempengaruhi?", "Nah, jadi ini kan? Tuh bisa, ayo dikit lagi!", "Hah, kamu belum pernah denger? Coba nanti kamu cari tau, ya. Kamu udah pernah masuk bagian itu kan?", "Oke, jadi kamu kalau belajar jangan cuma hafal, tapi ngerti, ngapain kamu baca textbook banyak-banyak kalo kamu cuma mau ngafal...", "Coba kamu kerjain, nanti saya liatin"

Bayangkan, dalam kasus yang sama, ada orang yang bicara seperti di atas ini dengan sabar, senyum, kadang ketawa remeh kalo lo nggak tau jawabannya atau kebingungan, dan mencoba memancing lo untuk dapet jawabannya karena sebenernya yakin lo nggak se'bodoh' itu untuk nggak ngerti sama sekali. Orang ini nggak sama sekali menganggap lo bodoh dan nggak sama sekali mengharapkan lo langsung bisa sehebat dan sepintar beliau karena beliau tau lo masih belajar. Bayangkan orang yang bicara seperti di atas ngasih tugas ke lo, dengan cara yang menyenangkan seperti itu. Gue yakin sebagian besar dari lo akan terpacu untuk mencari tau jawabannya, bahkan jadi terpacu buat tau lebih dalam dan lebih luas sampe-sampe pada pertemuan berikutnya lo punya pertanyaan-pertanyaan baru di kepala lo yang pengen banget lo diskusikan dengan beliau. Tapi gue nggak menjamin juga bahwa nggak ada orang yang malah jadi nganggep remeh, itu sih menurut gue agak pengecualian, alias bebel.

Ada kalaya tipe pengajar seperti di atas ini marah, dan itu bisa bikin gue merasa gue sudah melakukan kesalahan fatal sehingga membuat beliau kecewa dan marah. Atau beliau marah karena gue malas, nggak ingat tugasnya, atau karena gue nggak merhatiin penjelasannya. I accept what he/she's mad at. Gue nggak akan minta maaf biasanya, tapi gue akan coba memperbaiki kekurangan gue dan bikin dia akhirnya bangga sama gue. Bikin dia merasa secara nggak langsung bahwa gue menyesal. That's my way of studying.

Which style do you prefer for studying? First or second? Kalo gue, tentu saja yang kedua. I am a kind of student who's gonna try the very best I could do until I get what I want, but in the same time, I am also a kind of student who don't like the way teachers pushes their students to be instantly as bright as them.

I'm never in to arrogance and heart-hurting. You know, words sometimes hurt, and they couldn't be taking back. Jadi, cara bicara dan bahasa sebaiknya yang baik dicontoh dan enak didengar. Sejujurnya, gue tipe orang yang agak sensitif dengan cara orang berkomunikasi dengan gue. Gue tipe orang yang nggak tega marah terlalu lama atau menyakiti hati orang lain. Gue nggak bisa marah. Once I did that, I'd feel guilty all the time. Jadi, gue pun nggak mau diperlakukan seperti itu, karena kalau gue bertindak seperti itu, gue akan ngerasa nggak enak dan bersalah terus.

Imagine, a person, he/she treats you well, very kind, patiently. Would you have a heart to disappoint them? Sama seperti ketika ada seorang pengajar yang baik, sabar, dan mengajar dengan caranya yang seru, asik, menyenangkan, dan mudah dipahami,akankah lo tega untuk males belajar atau ngelupain gitu aja ajaran-ajaran dari beliau? Kalo gue pribadi, waktu ada pengajar yang marah-marah terus, mudah tersulut emosi karena muridnya lama ngertinya atau lupa atau khilaf-khilaf yang lain, dan mencaci dengan 'berlebihan', gue justru akan jadi nggak suka dengan ajarannya dan jadi males buat belajar lebih lanjut tentang itu. I'm sorry, goodbye. Gue nggak akan menyentuh materi itu sama sekali, kecuali terpaksa supaya lulus. Sedih nggak sih, jadi pengajar yang muridnya belajar cuma supaya lulus, bukan untuk jadi pinter dan mau mengerti dan mengamalkan ilmunya? Gue sih, sedih. Gue akan merasa gagal.

Makanya, I never want to be a teacher. It's hard to be them. I can't be as tough as them, I'm not sure I would be able to be good enough for my students. Jadi guru itu berat dan punya tanggung jawab moral yang besar. Karena nggak ada murid yang bodoh, yang ada cuma guru yang nggak bisa mengajar dengan baik. (Reza Rifanto-3 Menit Membuat Anak Keranjingan Belajar).

Tapi, jadi guru itu mulia, jadi mulia itu nggak gampang, dan jadi guru itu harus teladan, jadi teladan itu juga nggak gampang. Jadi, menjadi seorang guru itu sulit. Hehehe. Makanya gue salut banget sama guru-guru dan dosen-dosen gue yang same sekarang berhasil bikin gue jadi kayak sekarang (walau pun sekarang juga belom jadi apa-apa). Salut pada bakti mereka, salut pada mereka-mereka yang berhasil mengajar dengan cara yang baik dan menyenangkan, dengan cara yang bikin gue suka.

I wish we, one day, will understand the way we love to study, and will be a good teacher, at least for our own children. Amin.

Nb. Gue nulis ini cuma karena kepikiran aja, sejak kuliah ini, gue semakin memahami cara belajar gue, cara pemahaman gue akan pelajaran-pelajaran. :)

Picture taken from weheartit.com

:') :') :')

2011-11-10T23:10:00.001+07:00

Buat Ami...

Maaf Uda ga bisa ada pas ulang tahun Ami... Ulang tahun itu hal yang amat kecil, jadi jangan sedih cuma karena pas ultah keluarga ga lengkap, Uda pasti selalu kirim doa buat Ami, biar sukses jadi dokter gigi dan bantuin Uda dan Papa buat sekolahin Adek... Dorong terus si Adek biar bisa masuk ITB...

Buat Adek...

Di ITB bukan cuma aspek akademis yang terbaik, tapi aspek sosialnya juga sangat baik, kalo Adek mau dapetin itu, caranya harus lolos tes SNMPTN ke ITB... Gimana pun caranya yang penting harus masuk ITB yah... Insya Allah ada rejeki untuk bayar kuliah Adek nanti, Uda sama Papa pasti usahakan, asal Adek harus belajar giat buat kejar cita-cita

Buat kalian berdua...

Mungkin Uda adalah anggota keluarga yang paling jarang ada di rumah sehingga waktu sangat sedikit buat Uda bertatap muka dengan kalian, Uda ga pernah sanggup bilang secara lisan kalo Uda sangat sayang sama kalian, tapi dalam hati Uda, Uda sayang banget sama Ami dan Adek...

* * *

Imagining his face, his style, his way of talking, I would never believe he wrote this letter. But this letter was originally written by his own hand, I've always known his handwriting style, it never changed since we were together going to the same elementary school and junior high. So does his attitude, he's always a guy with tough looks but tender heart. We grew up together with same cute shoes, his was blue and mine was red, with same plays, mine were dolls and his were kit cars, with same playground. We grew through many bad times and good times, he's been a 'cruel' yet loving brother. Until time separated us to different high school and university. Yes, we've been living under the different roof since about 8 years ago. Eversince that time, we only met once per month or two months, even more.

Time has taught many things, we grew up as big brother and big sister for our little sister. He's been a brother with bad temper, always easily get mad and offended. But maybe since we lived away, he got more mature each time we met again. Now that we have little sister (and he's the only man my dad would believe for guarding us), he never stops trying to be the best brother we've had.

He's now on his way to a new chapter of life, he has got what he dreamed of, working in a mine project, away from computers and desks. This letter was written two days ago, a night before he went to East Halmahera for work, for times I never knew how long. That night, he took me from my very last night shift at RSUD Tangerang, he waited patiently while I still handled my patient at the emergency room. 10 pm, my time was running, I finally handed my other friend that patient and got to the car briefly. I knew he should be at home soon and packed his bags. That'd be my last night with him before (maybe) months later. I felt hard things burdened my chest, I didn't know why this felt hard to let him go, maybe it's because we've been apart for too long and at the night I could go back from my dorm at RSUD Tangerang, why should I got home without my full-team family?

I was so tired that I felt asleep easily that night while he still had to pack his bags cause his flight would be at 2 am in the morning to Ternate. All I remember was he then say salam to me while I was sleeping, give me brief hug and kiss he very rarely did. Then, the morning I woke up, I didn't believe he's gone. It's very hard. I didn't understand. My mom then handed my sister and me, a letter he wrote specially for us. I held my tears hardly not to fall. I prayed to Allah for him, to protect him along the way wherever and whenever.

My sister, we've got the best brother everyone would envy at, mom, you've got the best son every mom would want to have, and dad, you've got the bravest and greatest son every dad would ever dreamed of.

And if anyone tried to hurt my brother, believe me I won't stay calm >:)

Have you ever fought on behalf of your country?

2011-11-04T21:23:00.002+07:00

Yea, it's not that you're a national football player or that you're a military soldier, but have you? I have. And it was amazing that when you 'bring' your country's name with yourself everywhere you go and whatever you do, you'll be trying to do anything in a good way. At least, that's what I held in mind. Others will judge, they will see you the way you behave, on behalf of your country. That's when I was one of the participant of IADR-SEA Division / Joseph Lister Award Competition 2011, last 30th of October in Singapore, as advanced level of the last competition I was in, last June.

The event was actually two annual meetings held in one. IADR-SEA Division 25th Annual Scientific Meeting and SEAADE 22nd Annual Meeting. It contained of general meetings, lecturers, seminars, research poster exhibitions, and many awards for researchers for dental surgeons, dental surgery students, and researchers. The participants were mainly from South East Asia, but I saw many people from outer South East Asia, also.

The participants from Indonesia were about 40's. From Universitas Indonesia, Me, Stella, and Ika were joining the Joseph Lister Award, and Dina was joining poster exhibition. Also some of my lecturers, residents, and many more, joining the seminars, meetings, oral presentations, and lecturers. In the second day of the event, two teams from Indonesia (Airlangga University and University of North Sumatera), won the 1st winner and runner up for SEAADE Student Prevention Table Clinic Competition 2011. And in the Gala Dinner for this event (where all participants from all countries had dinner together in a five-star hotel ballroom, man, this was amazing, never thought I could eat luxury foods as many as my belly would :p) we celebrated it. All delegates of IADR from Indonesia were in batik, brought Indonesian flags and took pictures together! Only Indonesia did this! All other participants from other countries just stare at us, some of them caught fascinated by our solidarity (hehehe). Even though I didn't know all them, but we supported each other, it was so touching. That's when I feel like, man, they were all hoping the best of me and for me! I bring their names indirectly, and our country's name of course.

Some of Indonesian Delegates in the Gala Dinner

My day was in the 3rd day, October 30th. The poster presentation of the award I, Ika, and Stella joined was held. I saw other participants from Hong Kong, Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, Philippines. Know what? I was nervous. I rarely felt nervous for any presentations before, but this one, I worried many things, since a girl like me still trapped on procrastination jails, I prepared the presentations only when I was on my way to Singapore, on the plane, 2 days before the D-day.

The judges were all professors from Malaysia, Hong Kong and a Caucasian man, maybe from the US (until now I haven't known his name yet). Their accents were all different, so it's another challenge for me to understand what they said in their 'own' English. Nearly to my time of presentation, I suffered dry mouth, as always. I drank many glasses of warm water and go in and out from restroom. I didn't feel as nervous as a night before, but since almost every delegates from Indonesia come and took pictures with us as we've become the champion it felt like it's such another burden for me.

It was surprising when in the lunch for Joseph Lister Award, my name was mentioned as the runner up. I didn't believe it, since after presentation, I once had lost my confidence of winning this award. Maybe I was a bit like stupid girl with mouth opened (haha!). I received the trophy and took some pictures with Ika, my amazing co-author and partner in crime (hehe), Stella, drg. Yosi, my lecturer, and the 1st winner from Hong Kong.

This is what I promised to myself, I didn't even hope to win for my university or country, I only hoped I did my best. I’m done. Even though I wasn’t the 1st winner, I feel blessed. I know maybe I hadn't done my very best, but with all friends and family’s prayers and support, this could happened. I am no one and will still be no one until people around me, love me. When my name being mentioned and followed by my country's name, it's like, wow! I'm proud of Stella also, she's great and I knew she competed very well, she's the winner in my eyes :), also my co-author, Ika. She's smart, without her help, we wouldn't win anything, and also Dina. Thank you, guys!

A great lesson I could learned from this is that you need people around you, you need to be loved, cause without their prayers and supports, you will be nothing. Even though you lost one love, you have many other loves from your loved ones. It worked on me, see I won't get any of these without them.

Alhamdulillah. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala was and is always guiding me.

Hari ke-6, Ramadhan Kemarin

2011-10-21T20:17:00.001+07:00

Setelah imsak, sebelum adzan subuh. Cuaca cerah sepertinya bakal memenuhi siang nanti. Seperti hari-hari sebelumnya. Cerahnya nggak bakal membuat saya juga merasa cerah yang sama, ditambah dengan asa yang menyesakkan di dada.

Jantung saya berdegup kencang. Serasa baru disuntikkan adrenaline, dan rasanya katup-katup jantung saya bekerja lebih keras membuka dan menutup, tiap bilik dan serambinya bergantian kontraksi dan relaksasi, lebih cepat. Kepala saya sakit karena memikirkan rencana bodoh itu. Saya coba ketik nomor yang memang nggak pernah saya hafal. Tiba-tiba saya nggak bisa merasakan jantung saya, kebal seperti orang gagal jantung, degupnya nggak keruan tanpa irama. Suara anda muncul mengagetkan, terdengar terburu-buru dan sedikit kesal karena kekhusyukan adzan subuh yang sedang anda siapkan terusik.

"Halo...?"

Saya berhenti sebentar, mengutuk diri sendiri, lalu tanpa hela nafas sekali pun, tanpa menjawab sapaan anda, saya bicarakan semua itu dalam hitungan detik. Selesai. Pembuluh-pembuluh darah saya berdilatasi. Lega.

* * *

Kemarin saya baru menamatkan Al Baqarah dalam rangkaian tadarus Ramadhan saya yang selalu saja berjalan lamban seperti tanpa progres. Biasanya tafsirnya saya abaikan, jarang saya coba pahami, tapi kali ini tidak, terutama ayat terakhir Al Baqarah. Saya mengulang-ulangnya karena dulu bagian itu lah yang paling saya hafal. Saya merasa dungu karena baru paham maknanya terlalu powerful bagi semua umat manusia yang ada di muka bumi.

Adzan subuh memanggil, saya sholat dan di akhirnya, saya baca lagi ayat terakhir Surah Al Baqarah.

Semoga kebijaksanaan-Nya membawamu pada kesadaran bahwa aku lah yang membisikkan 'semangat kecil' pada subuh saat Ramadhan hari ke-6. Aku yang membacakan ayat terakhir Al Baqarah untukmu, yang sebulan kemudian bahagia bahwa ayat terakhir itu bekerja padamu sesuai dengan tafsirnya yang luar biasa.

PS. Jangan tanya siapa 'saya' dan siapa 'anda'. 'Saya' dan 'anda' di sini bisa jadi anda sendiri, bisa juga saya, bisa juga orang lain, mereka bisa jadi siapa saja. Mengerti, kan?

Destiny

2011-10-13T00:12:00.001+07:00

We all know. God has planned everything, written on His big book called Fate. Sometimes I wonder if I could steal that book and write my own story, make my own destiny.

Can I?

No.

All we can do is accepting and keep moving. Like we have ever experienced, losing, getting, accepting, leaving, start loving, brokenhearted. Life is like a game sometimes, we start and then we end, we win, and then we lost. But sometimes we treat life too easily, like playing games. Sometimes we forget to appreciate our life. Sometimes we ignore God's warning. Sometimes we think we can rewind and start to play the same stage again so that we often underestimate every stage of the game. But that's what is different with life; we cannot rewind.

Two days ago, I was on a night shift at emergency room in RSUD Tangerang. It wasn't my first experience, but this one felt so touching. A 16 year old girl got motorcycle accident, she didn't wear helmet, with high speed, was going to exit a hallway and then suddenly bumped a car. She was then thrown meters away from the motorcycle and suddenly lost consciousness.

The moment she was carried to the emergency room, the Glasgow Comma Scale was only 4, she was totally comma. with her hands and feet kept moving showing she started to be hypothermia (but it also showed that she's still alive), and blood kept trying to get out from her body through her mouth, sometimes she vomited her stomach contents. She was having severe head injury. We did all we could, trying to save her life although we couldn't ascertain that we can. After about 1 hour doing the primary survey for her life support, goedel and cannula installation, infusion, resuscitation, suction for the bleeding, catheter, etc, her body activities started to stop. Her family started to whisper prayers through her ears. I saw her feet started to look pale, went up to her body and hands, and then.... I couldn't help hearing her mother cried, seeing her uncle dropped on the floor. The atmosphere suddenly felt cold.

That wasn't my first 'plus' case. But this one really has shown that fate works. God has planned everything, including how His creatures should end the stage of living this life; and also how His creatures should start the stage. At the same time of her death, I heard a baby cried, she was newly born in a cito surgery room right next to the emergency room. What a life! People come and go back from and to Allah Subhanahu wa Taala.

This one is dedicated to you guys who have fought for appreciating life, I hope you guys get a great place up there :)

Life Choice

2011-10-01T01:22:00.001+07:00

Beberapa waktu lalu, gue baca link ini, tentang gimana susahnya hidup di dunia medis, kerja dan mengais rezeki dari dunia medis, jadi dokter, dokter gigi, perawat, dan lainnya. Have you guys ever wondered? Gue bisa bilang yang ada di tulisan itu bener semua. Gue emang udah lama pengen nulis tentang apa yang gue sebut 'pilihan hidup' gue ini, kok ;)

Gue bisa bilang, gue sangat beruntung karena gue masuk fakultas yang sekarang bangkunya gue duduki lewat jalur SPMB, dengan biaya yang masih bisa cocok sama dompet orang tua gue. Beda jauh sama angkatan-angkatan setelah gue. Tapi segala konsekuensi yang didapet setelah masuk fakultas ini ya tetep ada dan harus diemban sepenuhnya. Terutama biaya dan lamanya waktu sekolah.

Some of you may have thought, ngapain sih sekolah kedokteran/kedokteran gigi? Lama banget! Umur habis di sekolah! You guys are not wrong. Emang lama banget, for god sake, bahkan sekolah gue ini bisa lebih dari waktu normal yang ditentukan. Banyak requirement yang harus diselesaikan dalam waktu 5 tahun (waktu normal yang ditentukan) yang mana jaraaaaaaanggg banget yang bisa nyelesain tepat waktu. Bahkan sebelum gue masuk sekolah ini, gue harus nerima konsekuensi bahwa gue nggak hanya bakal lulus dengan skripsi, sidang, ujian, tapi harus lulus dengan 'ujian-ujian' lainnya. Harus memenuhi banyak persyaratan, dan requirement yang mengedepankan pengalaman dan skill, mengutamakan keikhlasan dan kesabaran, menjunjung tinggi etika dan hukum yang ada, dan sangat memperhatikan jiwa sosial. Untuk bisa lulus dan menyandang gelar dokter gigi, banyak faktor yang menentukan, banyak hal di lingkungan gue yang membuat gue jadi 'tergantung' sama itu semua.

Gue diharuskan untuk terus belajar. Untuk jadi dokter gigi, otak gue diisi terus, tapi tangan gue juga harus belajar, kaki gue, punggung gue, leher gue, dan sistem imun gue semua harus 'belajar', etika dan kelakuan harus dilatih, termasuk penampilan yang harus dilatih (yang terakhir ini menurut gue aja, hehehe), dan yang paling penting harus bisa ngelatih kesabaran dan ketekunan, karena gue bekerja dan berkaitan terus dengan orang-orang di luaran sana, bergantung terus pada mereka untuk menyelesaikan requirement. Mereka ini yang disebut dengan pasien. Kalo ditanya soal udah berapa kali ngeluh sih, gue bakal bingung jawabnya, karena ngeluh itu udah kayak buang air, setiap hari pasti ada. Trus, gue inget deh sama kata-kata Ibu bahwa ngeluh nggak bakal nganterin kita ke keberhasilan, yang ada masalahnya tetep mangkal di situ. Hehehe.

Gue akan bekerja di dunia sosial, berkaitan dengan life saving orang banyak. Mungkin yang pernah baca beberapa postingan blog gue yang lalu-lalu, tau bahwa gue tertarik dengan hal-hal berbau rescuing, medic, dan investigation. Kalo di film-film serial, kayak di CSI (keren gak sih? Hahaha!). Dari dulu gue pengen jadi orang yang keliatan keren dengan pekerjaannya nyelamatin orang, ngejar penjahat, ngungkapin misteri kejahatan, dan sebagainya. Bisa jadi polisi, kan? Tapi gue boleh bangga dengan pilihan untuk nggak jadi polisi, karena polisi nggak bisa jadi dokter, tapi dokter bisa! Hehehe.

Dulu pikiran gue bahkan dangkal, gue cuma nggak mau repot-repot nyari kerjaan pas lulus kuliah, tapi gue nggak mau repot-repot belajar melulu untuk masuk fakultas kedokteran. Jadi gue pilih sekolah gue yang sekarang ini. Pas masuk, ternyata gue salah, kedokteran gigi justru sama ribet, bahkan pressure-nya mungkin lebih kerasa, dan gue ternyata nggak bisa ngarepin semudah itu, nggak bisa ngeliat dari dokter/dokter gigi yang udah sukses, hidup enak dan banyak harta. Kayak di link yang gue kasih, itu semua sama. Nggak gampang buat bikin orang percaya sama kemampuan kita, susah banget, it takes almost a lifetime to achive such things. Perlu banyak pengorbanan, sekolah hampir seumur hidup? Some of them, begitu. Belum lagi pemerintah kita yang belum sepenuhnya menghargai profesi-profesi penuh resiko kayak begini. Gaji dokter dan dokter gigi masih dibawah seharusnya. I'll let you guys know the link of proper salary for some jobs later on, ask me privately, I mean :).

Sekarang gue lagi menjalani stase Bedah Mulut di RSUD Tangerang untuk enam minggu ke depan. Ini rumah sakit rujukan di daerah Tangerang dan sekitarnya. Biaya pengobatan dan perawatan di sini termasuk murah (bagi kebanyakan orang yang masih bisa baca blog ini dengan koneksi internet lancar bin kenceng di rumahnya kapan aja di atas kursi empuk dan ruangan ber-AC) dan mahal banget bagi lebih banyak orang lagi. Menurut gue untuk setaraf rumah sakit rujukan, fasilitasnya masih belum memadai. Beda banget sama RSCM (yang juga bahkan mungkin belum memadai). Pasien-pasien yang dateng? Most of them are those who live mepet with a thin line between almost-a-bit welfare and total poor, I could say. Pasien yang nggak ngerti gimana cara-cara baik buat jaga kesehatan dan keselamatannya, pasien yang nggak paham dijelasin sama perawat dan dokternya, sampe pasien yang akhirnya milih buat pulang paksa karena nggak ada biaya, semuanya ada dan pernah gue 'hadapi' di rumah sakit ini.

Aps & Ban. September 2011

Harus apa buat jadi dokter/dokter gigi? Lebih dari hati yang besar, luas, lapang, dan mulia, menurut gue. Lebih dari usaha sekolah yang lama dan penuh pengorbanan, lebih dari sekedar nguasain teori. I'm saying this not because it's what all people know about working in medical field, but because it is what's true. And this has been my choice.

Gue 100% mengakui gue masih jauh dari hal-hal itu, masih belajar dan nggak ngerti kapan bisa jadi seperti itu.

Doa Terpanjang di Sujud Terakhir

2011-09-07T20:07:00.002+07:00

As I recall, waktu dengar kabar gembira itu, saya senyum simpul di angkot yang sedang saya naiki. Saya sumringah, mungkin waktu itu penumpang-penumpang lainnya yang notice, bakal mengira saya setengah gila.

Iya, saya senang mendengar kabar tentang anda, walau pun bukan dari anda. Kabar menggembirakan yang saya sendiri nggak tahu apa efeknya untuk saya. Hmmm... sepertinya nggak ada efeknya, karena yang saya tahu, setelah ini, anda akan seperti wax yang meleleh terbakar api spiritus, hilang dan habis, sisanya ada kalau memang ada, itu pun dengan bentuk yang nggak karuan. Yang saya tahu, saya sedih seketika.

Ngomong-ngomong, saya pernah ngobrol sama salah satu teman, dia cerita tentang doa terpanjang di sujud terakhir. Pernah lihat orang yang solat dan di sujud terakhir-nya lama? Iya, katanya berdoa di sujud terakhir itu insya Allah di ijabah, saya sendiri sampai sekarang belum tahu dalil-nya. Tapi yang saya tahu, saat sujud adalah saat terdekat kita dengan Yang Maha Pencipta. Jadi, apa yang didoakan teman saya di sujud terakhirnya? Dia berdoa tentang dan untuk orang yang dia kagumi, dan dia nilai 'pantas' untuk menjadi separuh pelengkap ibadahnya.

Tahu nggak? Saya jadi berpikir sama dengan dia. Walau pun sampai sekarang saya nggak tahu doanya sudah di ijabah atau belum, tapi rasa-rasanya akan sangat bagus sekali kalau meminta di sujud terakhir. Itu so sweet, nggak sih? Banget kalau menurut saya. Bagaimana kalau di dalam sujud terakhir saya, saya menyebut nama anda setelah nama orang-orang terdekat saya? Bagaimana kalau di dalam sujud terakhir saya, saya memohonkan segala kebaikan untuk orang-orang yang paling dekat di hati saya, setelah itu saya memohonkan kebaikan untuk anda?

Bagaimana kalau memang anda adalah doa terpanjang di sujud terakhir saya?

Sepertinya akan jadi hal yang manis sekali ya kalau saya berdoa tentang kesuksesan, keberhasilan, dan kebahagiaan bagi anda. Hmmm... saya juga mungkin akan bertanya pada Sang Pencipta Hati dan Raga, dalam 'bentuk' apa sebenarnya saya dan anda di deretan rencana-Nya.

Kalau kita punya telepati, dan anda tahu yang menelepati anda itu saya, kasih tahu saya ya, apa rasanya berada di doa terpanjang di sujud terakhir seseorang. Karena kita belum tentu akan jumpa di lain waktu.

PS. Jangan tanya siapa 'saya' dan siapa 'anda'. 'Saya' dan 'anda' di sini bisa jadi anda sendiri, bisa juga saya, bisa juga orang lain, mereka bisa jadi siapa saja. Mengerti, kan?

About a thing called Ikhlas

2011-09-06T00:42:00.000+07:00

Risty. picture by HendroAS

Hello! First of all, better say Eid Mubarak! Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum, everybody. Amin :)

Why I put the title like that? I don't know, I just remembered some times ago when I learned hard about being ikhlas. Now, I am confronted again with that such thingy. I know, in daily lives, ikhlas always holds big role. In everything we do, in every single count of time.

If you guys remember, I had posted a blog almost one year ago related to this. In the past, I've tried hard for accepting what might have been written for me by God. It was hard cause I built many expectations, I told everybody my willing, I convince anyone I'd get those. I closed my ears and eyes for any advises if they weren't going the same direction as mine, even though I knew those advises were for my own good. I put my beliefs (or for some cases can be said 'confidence') too high that I couldn't consider whether they were good or bad, all I knew was I believe I knew the best for myself. I sometimes forgot that there is One who holds my fate, arrange my future. He had His own rules. Once He say yes, it will be yes, once He say no, it won't turn to be yes. He's Almighty Allah Subhanau Wa Taala.

I used to hold tight my own favorite statement "when I say I can, then I can". No, actually I still hold that statement. I always get what I want, at least after trying my very best. Once or twice I didn't get it, I believe that's just because I didn't do my best. I'll then turn my decision, or retry the same until I can prove my confidence won't go wrong. That was me.

By the way, before we continue, I have some stories as well...

Few days ago, I spent my Idul Fitri holiday at my mom's aunty's house at Sukabumi. I don't know why almost all people to whom I did 'sungkem', ask 'Kapan nikah? Calonnya mana? Kok ga di bawa? Orang mana calonnya? Praktek di mana sekarang? Udah lulus kan? Segerakan lah, jangan tunggu terlalu lama, bla bla bla...'. Not only me, I know almost everyone at my age being asked the same. How to catch the right answer?

Papa and Ibu always pray the same. I don't know exactly for how many times. I used to not to be taking it too hard in mind. But for this time, it feels like so serious (Papa had whispered his wishes 3 times right through my ears, hehe). They've been asking, not insisting. But it somehow feels like a responsibility for me. I look back, I haven't done any of my big plans successfully yet. I haven't been graduated to be dentist, I haven't found the right guy to fill the blank in 'the answer' should've been stated. It's true when we all can say that we're our parent's child, we will never been able to refund their money for growing us up, we will never be able to pay their sacrifices, moreover, we will never be able to replace their prayers for us, regardless that sometimes we do forget them. But I want it. I want it to be true. I want to bring their dreams come true. I just haven't met the chance (maybe, I hope I didn't pass any).

One more story, I bumped my dad's car in Malam Takbiran, not a big incident, no victims, just some scratches on my dad's car and the other man's car. I had to pay 200k for his insurance, cause I was the one who did wrong. I did feel so sorry about that. For how many times I've disappoint my parents, they didn't get mad at me like I've had imagined. Still the guilt fills my mind.

Yes, Ramadhan has got me contemplating, 'what have I done for my parents?'. Back to my tightly held statement, I believe I can do many things for them. But this feels too hard since until this time, I haven't done anything, yet! Well, I don't want to take it too hard knowing they never insist me anything. But don't you understand? You WANT to make it happen, but you haven't got the key.

Well, back then I know ikhlas plays bigger role for this case. I actually have some dreams, I've arranged many things related to this new 'responsibility'. I've known I have to do this one day, I've been dreaming about who, when, how, and where. I also have told my closest ones. I feel happy I have this in mind. And then, one thing come to me, made me realized I have to learn more about ikhlas. Sometimes I do have to forget what's been dreamed behind. I must learn more more moreeee about ikhlas. When I'm pretty far from it, it gets me heartache. </3

I'm not sad, I just feel like, okay, I'll soften my heart. Sometimes things just happen, not to be asked or answered. Sometimes we just have to go on, because it's the way it is. I only can say 'sabar' to those who wait :) (cause I should be so much more than being patient). Imam ‘Ali (AS) said: “The one who practices sabr will never be deprived of success, even though it may take a long time.” [Nahjul Balagha, saying #153]. Be patient, I can be sabar for one more time. Allah SWT has been sabar with me for a life time. How can I not be sabar for another minute or another day or another week or another year?

Me, as human being, is bound to make mistakes. Perhaps He delays the solutions to my problems because He wants me to realize the mistakes I have made.

Well, I don't know why I feel this post is a bit confusing. I just don't know how to write it in a better way. Hope you guys doing okay, then.

Don't worry, I don't demand :)

2011-08-22T20:45:00.001+07:00

I don't know why I post this. I think it's kinda nice knowing I've had greatest man and woman behind me. I think my role models are taken from them. The people whose names I always say in my every prayers.

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Kemarin gue nemenin Papa ke Depo Bangunan beli beberapa barang-barang buat benerin rumah dan perabot yang rusak, juga beli lampu besar buat di ruang tengah. Pas sampe di sana, gue bosen. Apa sih yang orang liat dari toko segede ini? Alat-alat elektronik, bahan bangunan, cat, pintu, bata, perlatan listri dan per-mesin-an lainnya. Ga ada serunya sama sekali.

Satu hal yang menarik dari Papa adalah, beliau ngerti semuanya. Se-ngerti itu dan se-semua itu! Dari mulai benda-benda yang gue ga tau apaan dan fungsinya apa, sampe hal-hal yag gue ga tau bahwa itu ada di dunia ini! Gue bahkan baru tau kalo ada yang namanya fischer buat 'nempelin' lampu ke langit-langit rumah, dan tiap jenis langit-langit rumah (gypsum, tembok, triplek, dsb) beda-beda jenis fischer-nya. Gue juga baru tau ada yang namanya dret (sampe sekarang gue ga tau tulisannya apa) yang dipake buat sambungan keran dan pipa, atau ukuran-ukuran diameter kabel dan serat-serat yang mengisinya. Belum lagi bahan-bahan pintu, dari mulai kayu sampe triplek, alumunium, dan kombinasi antara keduanya atau ketiganya, dan lain sebagainya. Oh iya, ada lagi sambungan pipa dan saringan wastafel cuci piring (gue juga ga tau namanya apa), belum lagi mesin mobil dan lain-lainnya. Papa, tau semua tentang itu. Semua-muanya! Ga ada kecuali. You guys can ask anything in Depo Bangunan to my father, and he'll be certainly answering perfectly! That's my all-he-can-all-he-know father. Beliau kerjanya bukan di bidang-bidang itu, walau pun beliau memang orang teknik, beliau ini sekarang kerjanya lebih ke manajemen dan marketing. Sedangkan hal-hal macem ini beliau paham bener.

Menurut beliau, semua yang ada di depan mata, kita seenggaknya harus tau, apa lagi kalo nanti punya rumah atau mobil sendiri, semuanya harus kita pahami, punya rumah kan ada banyak yang harus diurus, dari mulai tanah, taneman, pondasi, air dan pipa-pipanya, listrik dan sambungan-sambungannya, loteng, dan lain sebagainya. Belum lagi mobil, selain bisa bawa mobil, harus ngerti juga soal mesin, ngerti cara kerjanya mobil dari mulai di starter (apanya yang bekerja) sampe jalan dan berhenti lagi. Belum lagi semua mesin-mesin dan 'barang-barang' berat yang ada di rumah, atap, genteng, langit-langit, tangga, lantai, tembok, pintu, jendela, kamar mandi, dan lainnya. Semua printil-printil-nya pun Papa paham. Jenis sekrup untuk tiap purpose juga beda. Begitu pula jenis-jenis barang-barang lainnya. Guess what? Apa yang akan terjadi kalo ada cowok yang ga ngerti begini-beginian? Repot juga ya kalo gue punya contoh semacam Papa yang semuanya serba bisa -_____-. But don't worry, I don't demand :D

Terus sorenya gue bantuin Ibu masak rendang di dapur. Should I let you know, Ibu adalah masterchef luar biasa yang pernah gue tau. Comparing her with those masterchefs on TV? She's number one! Gue pernah berpikir untuk minta Ibu supaya ikutan Masterchef yang ada di TV, tapi mengingat sang juri, berupa tiga orang chef master yang suka marah-marah dan mengejek masakan pesertanya, gue jadi ga minat lagi. Enak aja nyokap gue mau dimarah-marahin. Who are you guys?! Hahaha jadi melenceng kemana-mana.

Kalo omnivora adalah pemakan segala, nyokap gue bisa masak segala. Ya, segala! Percaya ga percaya, ga ada satu pun masakan beliau yang ga enak, udah dicoba sama banyak orang, dan semuanya selalu bilang enak dan bahkan ketagihan. Some of them bahkan kadang mesen rendang beberapa kilo untuk acara-acara tertentu, atau lebaran. Bukan cuma rendang, semua masakan beliau bisa, dari masakan Indonesia, sampe masakan mancanegara. Beliau pun jago banget buat bikin kreasi-kreasi dari teknik-teknik memasak. Maklum, beliau ini dulu pas SMA, jagonya di bidang tata boga. Gileee gimana coba bokap ga betah?? Hihihi :p

Gue pernah mikir, haruskah seorang wanita Padang/Minang bisa masak kayak Ibu? Ibu emang bukan lahir dan besar di Padang, tapi darah Minang mengalir deras di tubuhnya, belom lagi Papa yang lahir dan gede di Bukittinggi. Huahaha kurang Padang apa coba? Gue juga jadi mikir, dari sebanyak ini bahan masakan dan makanan, how would I know and understand one by one? How to make them possible to be eaten? Apa yang bakal terjadi kalo ada cewek yang ga ngerti dapur dan masak? But don't worry, I don't demand (myself), hehehe :D

Tapi ya, dari semua yang gue sebutin di atas, kayaknya bisa ngejelasin bahwa kedua orang tua gue Alhamdulillah-nya bener-bener paham peranan masing-masing dalam rumah tangga. Dan mereka 'ahli' di bidangnya masing-masing. Ibu, ibuuu banget, Papa, papaaa banget. Ngerti kan? Semoga nanti gue bisa jadi orang tua yang as cool as they were... Amin!

Sometimes I think my time isn't long enough to learn those many things...
But, I don't demand. Life isn't that hard, kok. Nothing to be forced. ;)

Will I be like them in the future? Or will I make new trends? Lol :p

Which are we?

2011-08-16T21:40:00.002+07:00

Just thought about my mom's all time favorite quote to advise her children: Looking down is better than looking up, you'll be thankful for all of you've got and you've had.

That's true, I can't even deny it that sometimes we do need some comparisons of things or ones lower than us to be the 'winner' or to feel we're already in the comfort place, right choice, right path, nice life, with pleasure things. But back then I realize one thing ironic: Why do we need ones who are lower than us to feel thankful? Why those unlucky people are 'used' to be seen by us to make us feel we're much luckier than them. We're thankful while others are suffering. Ironic, huh?

Well, but that's life. Maybe sometimes we're just thinking that we deserve things we get, so that we seldom feel thankful at the very moment we get pleasure things. We sometimes forget that it's not that we deserve it, but because Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has planned our life path, and none of our luck and pleasure things we get describe our personality or our iman, those are what Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala sees in human. Like what has been written in The Holy Quran (19:74-76), God sees good deeds in human, not our wealth, pretty face, cars, houses, cool gadgets, jobs, position, etc. Even sometimes He could give human He chose never-ending happiness and abundant wealth and pleasures just to make us learn, can we be thankful for them and will we consistently pay zakat and share and keep our iman in the heart?

So, which ones are we? Those who love to be in 'unlucky area' but never got bored of showing gratitude or those who have been very lucky but always think that those are just because we deserve it? Or none of them?

Well, I'm still considering.. Hope I'm a part of those who are always feel thankful. Amin.
By the way, Happy Ramadhan! Hehehe, it's been the 15th day, wish us WIN this year! :)

Good Life - Good Dentists

2011-07-29T01:50:00.013+07:00

Hey there, just passed cause I found this music video on YouTube last night. It's Paul Dateh and Ken Belcher's (my favorite indie musicians of all time *actually has only been 4 years and a bit more, hehe) video. I used to put Paul Dateh's video on my old friendster page. Hahaha, it's been so long until last night I accidentally opened his videos again on YouTube. Well, the lyrics of this video remind me of my friends and I, lately have been too stressed about our requirements in co-assistant period. So this music video is dedicated to us. Enjoy! (dengan nada seperti gue yang membawakan lagu ini, nyehehehe...)

Lyrics - Good Life
from the album "The Good Life"
Written & Performed by Paul Dateh & Ken Belcher

some people think that you need to travel wide and far
while others say that you need to try everything bizarre
some people claim that you need to live the life of a star
to prove that you are living the good life

some people think that your worth is only what you spend
they say that you will be alright as long as your cash flow never ends
some people claim that you need to have all the latest trends
to prove that you are living the good life

but all that matters is that you know what you want
to accomplish in your life
because i know that you can be what you want to be
you can do what you want
just keep your eyes on the prize and just hold on
because confidence is all you really need to life your life in style
so just do what you got to do

some people think that you need to have expensive shoes
yeah, it's all a game where your score is based on all the fancy things that you accrue
some people think that it's all about the win or lose
that determines whether or not you live a good life

you know you got to do what you got to do
you got to do what you got to do
when the road gets tough
you got to keep the trust in yourself.

This. I believe the key is to keep in mind that we are profoundly and certainly gonna be dentists in the future. No need to worry. Well, sometimes I do worry, but back then, I think being worry won't accomplish our requirement, will it? Being a good dentist isn't about winning or losing, or rushing in time, it's about about being patient and honest. I don't think I need to worry too much, cause I had been worried and stressed, it wasn't good for myself until I realized that I just have to go on.

Hope this will uplift our spirit, yeay! (imagine me jumping like cheerleader when saying those previous words :p) So just do what you got to do, when the road gets tough, you got to keep the trust in yourself ;)

By the way, it's 1.52 am, my laptop time, I just awaken from long sleep after Maghrib and this morning I'll be having denture discussion with my lecturer. Myself won't sleep again, feeling this eyes are still widely opened. Well, think it's better stop youtube-ing Paul Dateh for a while. Good night!

Let's talk about love! :D

2011-07-24T09:20:00.010+07:00

Last night, I had a meeting on a regular saturday night with closed friends. We've been apart for almost 6 months since we're in ten different groups in our co-assistant period. There had been many stories told, each of us updated our story from the last time we met until today. From night shift experiences with many bizarre patient cases, clinic requirements, gossips, until we reached the most time-consuming yet curiousing-plus-interesting-at-the-same-time talks: Love stories.

Yes, love stories never die. I don't wanna share those stories as well. I just want to pour what's been filling my mind lately. My old friend once said that true love is making you always happy even though it actually should've made you hurt so badly. Yes I agree that's what true love is. What I've learnt from last night is we are happy. We all are happy. No matter how the story went, being proposed, being attracted by a stranger guy, being silently in love with an old friend, preparing for a wedding ceremony and reception, getting curious, expecting sudden meeting with a particular person, or even being in a 'matchmaking', or starting back to get along with hi-school crush. It was all a happy story, well, we shared those stories happily.

If I'm asked what kind of love I've had, I'll be answering a kind of love that is true. True because now I feel happy, being with my closed friends, always getting supports from family, loving and tender mother, great and wise father, smart and nice sister, cool and mature brother, being attracted by a fine guy (stating 'attracted' and 'fine' sounds much simpler than explaining what those words should've been replaced with-red.). True because I 'm given barriers from stressful feeling of my co-ass/clinic requirements, seeing my loved ones happy, etc, etc, etc. Those are happy things, right?

One of my friend said something remarkable last night; "You look much happier, more colorful and nicer than before, you don't write sad stuffs anymore, you don't tweet glooms, you laugh more, you look much alive". That's what love is, making you an amazing creature. I don't know why, the only thing I could explain (but I didn't explain) is that yesterdays perhaps weren't true love. All I know is that I feel so free! Hehehehe :D

Well, true love, for me, is when no matter what happen with you, you'll still feel happy, you don't get chances to talk to the one you've been in love with, you still smile, you can't tell them you love them, you're stiil happy, you only can reach them via their soc network, you still feel amazed, you get stuck with all efforts you've done, you're still accepting that this is still making you somehow complete. The feeling you keep in the heart warms you and stays creating barriers for such heartbreaks. And true love is you finally feel ‘this is the one’ at the moment you see them eyes on eyes (but to be frank, I haven't experienced this before, my friend has, he told me that :p).

One thing for sure is that true love is when you see your mother's eyes you feel you're blessed, and when you hug your father, you feel safe. True love is when you pray to Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala, you feel warmed and peaceful, you feel you're blessed and always want to be thankful.

Love is like this, having closest people to give warm hug in a very cold day. @ Dataran Tinggi Dieng, January 2011

Love is happiness. It is somewhat charmed. It doesn't hurt or damage your feeling and logic. At least that's my opinion. You feel happy, that's when you're in love. You're happy with your job means you love your job, you're happy making surprises on a family member's birthday represents how you love your family. It’s this simple.

So, there's no sadness in love.. Irresistible!

A Piece About Her

2011-07-13T21:49:00.002+07:00

Tadi mati listrik, pas mati listrik ini nggak ada yang bisa dilakuin selain bergolek-golek di kasur sambil nunggu listrinya nyala lagi. Waktu bergolek-golek itu gue kepikiran dan sadar, tiap ada pemadaman listrik di rumah, apalagi kalo malem, Ibu pasti beberapa kali bangun tidur buat ke kamar gue dan adek (Uda Dany ga tinggal di rumah) buat ngipasin kita berdua supaya tidurnya tetep nyenyak, nggak kebangun, dan nggak kegerahan.

Besoknya pagi-pagi buta Ibu harus bangun lagi buat nyiapin semua-semua yang seluruh anggota keluarga perlu buat memulai aktivitasnya masing-masing. Terus Ibu ditinggal sendirian di rumah sampe sore-malem, waktu semua orang udah pada capek dan nggak banyak bicara.

Gue nggak tau gue udah bisa kasih apa buat Ibu.

I Don't Know What Title It Should Be

2011-07-03T03:32:00.003+07:00

Plakat di atas ini yang membuat timeline twitter gue penuh dengan ucapan selamat. Alhamdulillah.
Jadi seperti yang pernah gue tulis di postingan sebelumnya, bahwa tanggal 25 Juni kemarin abstrak penelitian gue pas skripsi yang iseng-iseng gue kirim ke kompetisi yang diadain sama International Association for Dental Research/IADR, tau-tau masuk 5 besar dan harus ikut penjurian final berupa oral presentation 28 Juni lalu di kantornya J&J Indonesia.

Gue cuma punya waktu dua hari sebelum penjurian final untuk nyiapin bahan presentasi tentang penelitian gue yang sampe seratusan halaman menjadi hanya lima slide berbahasa Inggris yang informatif dan efektif. Dan gue juga cuma punya waktu segitu buat belajar dan mengingat-ingat lagi isi dari penelitian gue dan referensi-referensinya. Berhubung gue menderita procrastinate kronis yang mana merupakan satu-satunya sifat yang gue sumpahin supaya ga nurun ke anak-anak gue nanti, gue baru membuat slide di H-1. Bahkan gue ga sempet latian biar bisa ngoceh Bahasa Inggris lancar dan bagus di depan juri.

28 Juni 2011, pukul 09.30 pagi.
Gue, Ika, dan Stella, yang kebetulan sama-sama anak UI yang lolos final, udah sampe di gedung J&J dan ketemu sama dua finalis lain dari dua universitas berbeda di Surabaya, yang satu seangkatan sama gue, yang satu lagi setaun di bawah gue, yang mana cuma iseng ngelakuin penelitian dan iseng juga ikutan kompetisi ini (Meen, gue pas di tahun dia, masih main-main mulu kali!). Setelah kenalan dan sedikit ngobrol-berbagi ketegangan di ruang tunggu (nyehehe), gue iseng-iseng nanya judul penelitian apa yang dipake sama dua finalis Surabaya ini. Jleb aja doong, dari judul aja gue udah mulai pusing, ga ngerti mereka-mereka ini kenapa canggih-canggih banget penelitiannya. Menurut gue yang rada-rada kurang tertarik dengan dunia riset dan cenderung males untuk sering nge-lab atau berkutat dengan banyak jurnal, penelitian mereka keren banget, kayaknya canggih aja gitu, dari judul aja gue bingung. Beda banget sama penelitian gue yang sederhana banget, mudah, dan menurut gue, kurang kece aja gitu. Waktu itu gue mikir, wah ini orang dua-duanya pasti pinter banget nih! Terserah deh menang apa enggak, yang penting udah sampe tahap ini udah syukur banget. Tapi waktu itu gue nggak ada deg-degannya sama sekali. Ngalir aja kayak biasa. Alhamdulillah lah, soalnya biasanya gue bisa mengalami xerostomia (mulut kering) mendadak kalo nervous.

Singkat cerita, setelah semuanya selesai presentasi, kita tinggal nunggu pengumuman dua pemenang yang Oktober nanti bakal dikirim ke Singapore buat ikut kompetisi regional level se-Asia Tenggara di 25th Annual Scientific Meeting-nya IADR. Kita semua nunggu sambil nonton Crazy Little Thing Called Love di laptop-nya Ika, sambil nyemil, makan berat, ngobrol, main game, dan gue, sambil tidur (semalem tidurnya telat gara-gara buru-buru benahin slide, sumpah jangan ditiru ya sifat gue ini!).

Akhirnya pengumuman keluar, semua finalis masuk ke dalem ruang penjurian tadi, dan ketemu sama tiga juri dan staf-staf dan direktur J&J untuk Indonesia. Abis sedikit ngomong-ngomong, salah satu jurinya, yang formerly dekan FKG UI (favorit gue) nanya, mendingan ngumumin finalisnya dulu semua, apa langsung ke pemenangnya. Gue sebenernya waktu itu berpikiran, kalo diumumin finalisnya dulu, ya sama aja, kita berlima semuanya kan finalis. Tapi ternyata beneran aja, beliau nyebutin finalisnya dulu loh (hadeeh), pas finalis ketiga disebutin dan dikasih sertifikat dan nama gue belom juga disebut, Stella ngelirik gue; "Mi, kita yang menang?", gue yang kebetulan saat itu mengalamin ke-dodol-an sesaat karena masih belom nyambung sama yang dimaksud 'finalis dan pemenang', cuma bengong aja. Trus pas akhirnya diumumin "And so the winners are...", gue baru sadar kalo gue jadi salah satu pemenangnya. Dan begitu lah selanjutnya...

Belakangan, setelah diajak ngobrol-ngobrol sama para juri, gue tau kenapa gue menang, dan nilai-nilai apa aja yang bikin penelitian dan presentasi gue masuk ke regional level. Ternyata dari segi further implementation penelitian gue dan how fluent I talked or the way I delivered the presentation. Alhamdulillah, I should thank God for it :). Setelah ini, plakat yang gue dapet ini pasti rasanya tambah berat. Bukan berat fisik, tapi bebannya yang berat (apa coba bedanya?), menurut gue, untuk maju ke level yang lebih tinggi dari ini bikin jiper duluan. Secara gue kan anaknya santai-santai-cuek-sradak-sruduk gimana gitu ya, dan gue harus ngelawan peneliti-peneliti muda lainnya dari seluruh Asia Tenggara. Gue? Iya gue. Si anak malas yang suka lemot dan tukang menunda-nunda pekerjaan.

Well, let's see, gue ga berharap banget buat menang, dapet fasilitas sekeren hadiahnya untuk bisa dateng ke Annual Scientific Meeting-nya IADR dan presentasi disana aja udah alhamdulillah banget. Btw, gue harus submit abstrak lagi sebelum masuk ke regional level, dan abstrak itu bakal di seleksi lagi, layak apa nggak buat dipresentasiin di Annual Meeting-nya nanti. Jadi lah, dua hari lalu gue mati-matian ngerevisi abstrak gue yang rencananya mau di-compile sama abstraknya Ika dari 300 kata jadi cuma 250 kata dengan deadline hanya dalam hitungan menit. Bayangin aja ribetnya. Semoga ini bisa jadi tembok (bukan batu lagi) loncatan bagi gue supaya kedepannya lebih baik lagi. Amin.

PS. Pada saat gue menulis ini, ada tikus di bawah meja di belakang gue. Kayaknya gue ga bakal berani turun dari kursi deh sampe tikusnya pergi. Padahal udah ngantuk banget ini. Haduuhh....

Why Happy?

2011-06-25T23:43:00.010+07:00

I've been waiting for someone to post new blog but seems like he's been too busy lately that every time I passed to open his link, still the latest update was the same. FYI, I love listening to the musics he put on the blog, so I leave the link opened in another tab whilst doing many other things on my laptop, doing tasks, watching movie, youtube-ing, or browsing.

By the way, hi! Meet me again, far different with the person I mentioned on the previous paragraph, it's been my 5th post for this month. I don't know, I just feel like I want to share many things happening this month. One of them is about why I am happy. Why? My friend asked what's had been happening with me lately since I looked so happy in almost all things I do in my daily (they did guess I'm in love, lol!)

I couldn't answer those questions quite good, all I know now is I'm just happy. As happy as I should. As happy as I deserve to be. I just feel my life now has been nearly perfect. Regardless there's no perfection in life, I do feel that. The imperfection itself, makes me feel perfect.

Why shouldn't I be happy when my friends are happy? Why should I be gloomy in my friends birthday? Why shouldn't I be smiling when my family is around and saying they're proud of me? Why should I be wistful when knowing my patients in the clinic put their faith on me to be their dentist? Why should I be melancholy when the people around me, love me? Why shouldn't I be stressful when my parents are always there to support me? Why should I be feeling alone when it comes to my hi-school mates tiny reunion? Why shouldn't I be happy knowing my hi-school friends are getting graduated? Why should I be blue when welcoming my friend's wedding? Why should I be lonesome when my loved ones are always "is typing..." on the WhatsApp Group? Why should I feel gloomy when love is staying close in my heart? Why should I be feeling downhearted when there are too many things I should be thankful for? Why should I be sad for those delightful things happening in my life? Why do I need to complain? What more should I ask for?

Well, since the beginning of 2011, there have been too many things happening in my life, there have been so many changes, from bad to good, from good to better. Some of my friends are now in new relationships, some of them are getting married, my brother has finished his final project on geology (I forgot what it's called), my sister got much better score in school, my parents stay healthy and happy, my patients are quite great and cooperative, my old friends are missing me (I am too!) and getting graduated from the university, my research project has been accepted to join award (actually I should've been preparing for it tonight instead of writing this blog :p), and I ~~might have been falling in love again~~... with my life. :D

I know sometimes sadness comes, failures happen, bad luck ruins, mood swings. My life path wouldn't always be smooth. But after rain, there should be a beautiful rainbow and sunshine. And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has been very kind to me cause He never forgot to send me the rainbow and sunshine after the rain :).

Because life is good.... :)

Since today is the first day of the rest of my life, I think I'll try my best not to mess it up! ;) Wish you guys have a great one, too!

Accidentally Touching Scenes

2011-06-18T23:11:00.002+07:00

D: Di scetchbook saya, anda masih hutang ngorek2 gigi saya sepertinya x)

A: Hah?? Serius diim? Itu kapan yaa gw nulis di buku lo itu?? Hihihi

D: 4,5 tahun yang lalu

A: Ya ampun dim, itu sebelum gw lulus SPMB apa gimana? Huaaaa masih disimpen ajaaaa :((

D: Will always mi, harta gw itu

A: Dan sekarang gw udah bisa ngorek2 gigi orang beneran *berkaca-kaca* berkat doa lo juga tuh, hehe sini gw korek2 gigi lo :D

D: Haha diawali dengan tulisan, berakhir dengan tandatangan kelulusan. Adit punya mimpi ke ITB, diijabah. Lo pengen jadi tukang ngorek-ngorek gigi. Fifi pengen ke farmasi. Dan gw bersekolah di jogja. Hahaha buku itu gw simpen pasti

A: Hahaha gimana skripsi lo? Kapan sidang?

D: Tinggal revisi dikit, abis itu baru daftar sidang, hehehe

D: Kemaren gw abis mindahin posisi rak-rak kamar gw gara2 ada tikus masuk, trus nemu buku2 SPMB sama UM UGM gw, ketemu deh sketchbook itu. Gw kalo kangen suka ga bilang, maklum kurang ekspresif, jadi ga gampang bilang kangen

A: Hahaha lo anaknya gengsian siih :p

D: Udah ah gw kebelet makan, jangan ikut2an kangen kayak gw lu yeee, susah kalo jaraknya jauh.

...

A: Silaturahmi kita harus tetep terjaga ya, nanti kalo gw nikah lo yang jadi fotografernya deh, (loh) hahaha nanti gw jadi dokter gigi lo

P: Ga mau mi, lo cari aja yang lebih baik, kalo keluarga gw sih dokter gigi-nya lo. Harus kudu.

A: Kenapa ga mau? Parah nolak rejeki dari keluarga dokter dan dokter gigi ternama *calon tim dokter kepresidenan* *uhuk-uhuk*

P: Haha sayang soalnya, masih banyak yang lebih bagus.

A: Kalo gitu gw ga jadi dokter gigi keluarga lo deh, yang lain aja masih banyak yang bagus.

P: Hmm tapi gw tau lo bagus buat gw, udah cukup tuh. :p

A: Lah kan gw belom tau, maka gw harus mencoba lo dulu

P: Ga usah coba biar ga tau :p

A: Ahh merendah mulu lo, ntar rendah mulu lo

P: Merendah di depan orang, bukan buat diri sendiri :p

A: Haha tapi lo harus bikin target dong. Pas nikahan gw lo udah harus bisa jadi yang lebih bagus, begitu, jadi lo termotivasi masbroo

P: Hahaha selalu kok Mi. Tapi gw pengen dateng ke nikahan lo sebagai tamu :D. Kan lebih enak

A: Kok jadi terharu ya

P: Hahaha lebay oncom!

I don't know what to say to this. Sometimes I become someone who's been too focus on my current life without looking at the people around. Sometimes I don't see that I still have so many closed ones who aren't only stay close when they're needing me, but it's an all-time devotion.

Maybe I mostly forget my promises to some important people in my life. Maybe I said them easily but forget them much easier. But once they remind me those things. I get to be touched. They're not just reminding me that they're still there watching over our growing-apart friendship, but also trying hard to keep it, with or without themselves knowing. You must know they're great people! I bet they're gonna be a very successful human being in the future. And one very important thing is maybe they're not like me, they're very caring. Sometimes I wonder why I still have those lovely friends. Sometimes I wonder whether I deserve them or not. I miss them, and it's becoming more severe since last night. I think it's getting pathologic :)

PS: If anyone of them are reading this post, I bet they'll be laughing at me. LOL, sure, I'm laughing at myself, too! :p

Only on My Own Perspective

2011-06-14T21:40:00.000+07:00

Kenapa gue kasih judul kayak gitu? Karena yang bakal gue tulis berikut ini emang cuma dalam perspektif gue, pemikiran gue. Before you continue to read this post, do bother yourself to reconsider first, soalnya ini pemikiran gue yang ga pinter-pinter amat, ini cuma perspektif gue yang sok tau :D.

Jadi begini, tadi pagi pas berangkat ke kampus, naik bus, seperti biasa kududuk di samping pak kusir yang sedang bekerja. Nggak deng, duduk di pinggir deket jendela. Macet, jam 6.55 pagi (yaeyalah gue telat berangkatnya). Trus di sebelah bus gue ada bus lain yang di badannya terpampang iklan layanan masyarakat baru dari BkkbN (Badan Kependudukan dan Keluarga Berencana Nasional) "Menikah di Usia Muda Banyak Problemnya, Raih Prestasi, Tunda Pernikahan Dini..." Gue udah beberapa kali sih liat billboard gede dengan tulisan ini. Awalnya gue cuek aja, toh gue belom tau pasti akan nikah kapan (tunggu tanggal mainnya aja ya, wekekek). Tapi kalo dipikir-pikir, kalimat tersebut seperti mengandung sisi negatif deh (sekali lagi, ini hanya perspektif gue aja).

Bagi yang belum tau apa itu BkkbN, singkatnya aja, itu adalah sebuah badan non-kementrian atau non-departemen di Indonesia yang bertugas mengurus keluarga berencana dan keluarga sejahtera gitu deh (correct me if I'm wrong). Jadi yang dari dulu punya slogan "Dua Anak Cukup" dan diperbarui dengan "Dua Anak Lebih Baik, Laki-laki Perempuan Sama Saja" itu ya si BkkbN ini. Nah, untuk slogan yang baru ini, mungkin maksud dari 'menikah di usia muda' pada kalimat tersebut untuk menekan angka kelahiran dan laju pertumbuhan penduduk di Indonesia yang kita semua tau udah penuh sesak, bikin mumet pula. Tapi (menurut gue), tahukah kalian, kalimat "Menikah di Usia Muda Banyak Problemnya" itu seakan-akan men-judge bahwa setiap pasangan yang menikah muda seperti terterror oleh banyak problem-problem di depan mata?

Menurut perspektif gue, bukan menikah muda yang jadi masalah, karena apa? Karena menikah tentu saja jauh lebih baik daripada pacaran aja, dan yang sering terjadi di masa kini, free sex. Menurut gue, daripada anak-anak di usia muda ditahan-tahan untuk menikah (kecuali kalo emang mereka belom mau nikah), dan di biarkan pacaran terlalu lama, mendingan dikasih menikah aja, setelah itu ikut program KB dulu mungkin, atau mengatur jarak yang pas setelah punya anak pertama untuk punya anak kedua. Gapapa kan? Sekali lagi, dalam perspektif gue, itu oke-oke aja. Bahkan menurut gue pasangan muda-mudi yang udah pacaran sekian lama nih ya, trus punya rencana kedepannya oke dan mau nikah, itu bagus banget. Tanda bahwa mereka ga cuma main-main tapi emang mengarah ke arah yang lebih 'baik'. Perlu didukung itu! Hohoho

Beberapa temen gue, senior gue, dan kerabat-kerabat gue ada yang udah nikah dan punya anak, padahal masih kuliah, masih koass, atau baru aja lulus. Dan problemnya apa sih misalnya? Finansial? Ngurus anaknya gimana? Pendidikan si orang tua dan anaknya? Masa depan anaknya? Kondisi psikologis dan emosional sang PUS (Pasangan Usia Muda) yang tergolong labil? Dan lain sebagainya. Menurut gue, tentu saja, sebelum menikah segala sesuatunya harus terrencana dengan baik, dan seharusnya hal-hal mendasar seperti itu sudah terpikirkan sebelum memutuskan untuk menikah kan?

Dalam perspektif gue, ga ada yang salah dalam menikah muda, orang istri Rasulullah (Aisyah) aja menikah di usia 9 tahun kok. Kemudian soal "raih prestasi, tunda pernikahan dini" seakan-akan terkesan kalo nikah muda, prestasi kita terhambat. Kembali lagi ke perspektif gue, bahwa pernikahan itu kan harus didasari rencana yang udah bener-bener mateng. Kalo masih kuliah dan udah niat untuk melaksanakan setengah ibadah penuh kita untuk menikah, ya insya Allah ada jalannya. Buktinya temen gue, udah nikah dan punya bayi, masih koass, tapi bisa lulus S1 dengan tepat waktu kok, dan koass-nya berjalan lancar. Salah satu senior gue, nikah muda, punya bayi, bisa tetep koass dan lancar semua, bahkan dia Mapres Utama FKG UI di tahunnya. Eksis berat di berbagai organisasi dan kepanitiaan. Curriculum Vitae-nya penuh berjejer. Dan salah satu temen gue yang gahul abis dan gue ga kira-kira bakal nikah muda, bilang "beneran loh, pacaran setelah nikah lebih enak rasanya, blablabla..." Ok, gue no idea soal itu, gue belom pernah pacaran setelah nikah soalnya, hehehe... tapi mungkin itu salah satu motivasi baik buat menjadikan suatu hubungan 'pacaran' menjadi lebih sesuai sama agama gitu.

Nggak, menurut gue nikah muda sama sekali nggak menghalangi untuk tetap berprestasi. Semua itu tergantung pribadi masing-masing. Soal KB dan alat kontrasepsi lainnya, tentunya perlu pencerdasan bagi setiap pasangan yang mau menikah kan? Gue rasa kita ga perlu "melarang" orang menikah muda, tapi hanya perlu memberi lebih banyak pencerdasan mengenai KB itu sendiri. Di usia berapa baiknya memiliki anak pertama lalu kedua, dan sebagainya.

Sekali lagi, ini dalam perspektif gue doang. Bagi gue, orang yang nikah muda harus udah disiapkan segalanya, termasuk gimana kemungkinan-kemungkinan problem yang akan dihadapi dan penyelesaiannya. Tentu saja, peran penting orang tua masih dibutuhkan buat membimbing anak-anaknya yang mau nikah ini. Dan soal prestasi, nonsense banget bakal terhambat. Prestasi itu soal niat dan usaha (serta luck factor, hehe) sih menurut gue. Jadi, ga ada salahnya nikah muda, asal siap dari segala aspek (aspek-aspek apa kek yang berkaitan dengan itu, gue belom paham soalnya, belom kepikiran, wekekek)

By the way, gue ngomong soal ini bukan karena gue ngebet pengen nikah atau karena gue ngerasa gue cukup alim untuk milih nikah cepet-cepet daripada pacaran kelamaan atau karena gue udah pernah nikah (yakali udah pernah, hahaha). Bagi gue, ketika udah cukup dewasa (ga selalu diliat dari umur, kan?) dan siap dari segala aspek yang gue ga sebutin satu-satu diatas tadi, udah ada calonnya, silakan nikah. Dan bagi yang belum siap padahal usianya udah kelewat, ya itu urusan lain. Tapi menurut gue lagi nih ya, ya belajarlah untuk menyiapkan diri untuk itu. Insya Allah, Allah bakal ngasih kemudahan-kemudahan deh kalo niatnya emang bener-bener. Nikah ada pahalanya loh (ciee gue udah kayak yang paling bener nih ngomonginnya pahala). :p

PS: Mungkin ada beberapa pertimbangan medis soal nikah muda ini, gue belom sempet diskusi sih sama temen-temen 'anak tetangga' di kampus sebelah. Mungkin nanti kalo udah ga sibuk (kapan ga sibuknya wooy?!) bisa kita tanya-tanya. So if you're interested, keep remind me I should find out more about this :D

Can I Just Stop?

2011-06-07T20:30:00.001+07:00

Live life to the fullest

To be thinking about some particular things. Pretending like I don't expect but I really do want to have them in my life.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to give love until the very end. Deep inside, I just won't worry it away. Once I had lost my sight of good sides of life, I felt like hell, besides, God created Heaven, even on earth! I don't wanna experience losing my sight of good things happening in my life anymore. I wish love comes in, and love here, doesn't always mean a man&woman thing, but one thing people do need to not get stuck again in a very low light.

I see people fall in and out of love, but I want to fall in love. Fall in love with my life, my wonderful days, my great friends, my amazing family, my job, my daily life. I want to fight bad moods, I want to fight my own minuses. I want to fall in love with all things God had planned for my life, I want to be thankful. I want to be blind about my most minuses (written on my previous blogs), I want to be careless about what people said that might hurt me. I want to give love. I don't want to forget, I don't want to hurt.

So can I just stop guessing if something's meant to be or not? Can I just stop wondering and making my own scenario of 'uncertainty'? Sometimes when it doesn't go as I wish, it drives me feeling stupid.

I hate being fooled by delusions.

Stase Klinik Integrasi dan Jerawat

2011-06-02T23:10:00.000+07:00

Selamat bulan Juni! Wish you guys have a happy June! Ga kerasa yah, udah masuk tengah tahun 2011. Perasaan awal tahun ini gue masih jalan-jalan sama temen-temen kampus keliling Jogja-Wonosobo dan masih orientasi klinik serta sibuk-sibuk persiapan wisuda sarjana yang mana setelah orientasi klinik gue mendapati nama gue masuk ke dalam salah satu kelompok dari 5 kelompok yang masuk stase klinik lingkar dalam alias klinik integrasi. Pertengahan Februari kemarin dimulailah semua rangkaian stase klinik (koass). 5 kelompok ke klinik lingkar luar (stase Bedah Mulut-RSCM, RSUT, Puskesmas Serpong, Oral Medicine, Radiologi, dan Pedodonsia-Ilmu Kedokteran Gigi Anak) yang mana setiap stasenya berdurasi 6 minggu kecuali radiologi. 5 kelompok lagi masuk ke klinik lingkar dalam, yaitu bekerja layaknya dokter gigi di Rumah Sakit Gigi dan Mulut Pendidikan FKG UI. Klinik lingkar dalam ini durasinya kira-kira 6 bulan tanpa libur (perlu di-italic supaya lebih dramatis).

Namanya aja klinik intergasi, maka semua kegiatan yang terdapat di dalamnya adalah terintegrasi, semua stase-stase ~~kecil~~ seperti bedah mulut, periodontologi, ortodonsia, prostodonsia, penyakit mulut, konservasi, dll masuk jadi satu selama 6 bulan. Menganut sistem belajar dari negeri sakura yang mana mahasiswa koass nya harus bisa mandiri dan mengatur semua kegiatan sendiri, termasuk pemenuhan requirement kasus, diskusi, seminar, dan lapsus (laporan kasus). Dengan ini, klinik integrasi secara mutlak membutuhkan kegigihan, ke-pantang-menyerah-an dan kekuatan mental serta dana dalam pencarian kasus pasien serta beradu cepat dengan waktu stase yang cuma 6 bulan untuk requirement yang bejibun (ditambah pengurangan waktu bulan puasa yang jatuh pada bulan Juli-Agustus nanti yang mana pasiennya pasti lebih sedikit karena alasan berpuasa. sigh.)

Nah, sebenernya gue mau cerita tentang apa?

Suatu siang setelah semua lelah kerja di klinik dan sedang bersenda gurau di lobi klinik sambil bercerita dan ketawa-ketiwi, terjadilah sebuah pembicaraan singkat antara seorang residen perio, gue, dan seorang senior gue di klinik.

Residen Perio (RP): Wuiih, udah bisa jerawatan kau ya.. *dengan nada meledek* (fyi, residen ini S1-nya di USU, jadi biasa banget kalo doi ngomonya 'kau' instead of 'kamu' atau 'lo')

Gue: Ah, ini cuma gara-gara kecipratan air scaling bang... *ga terima dengan adanya satu buah jerawat cukup besar dan bandel di pipi kiri gue* (fyi, jerawat menurut gue adalah benda asing yang muncul di kulit wajah karena gue hampir tidak pernah punya jerawat seumur hidup).

RP: Aku tiap hari scaling banyak orang, ratusan, nggak pernah aku jerawatan *logat medan --> perlu banget nih ditulis!*

Gue: *kehabisan alasan*

Senior Klinik (SK): Salah lo ngomong gitu ke doi.. Hahahaahaha...

SK dan RP: *Ketawa bahagia meledek gue karena mendiagnosis etiologi jerawat gue adalah karena gue sedang ~~jatuh cinta~~.*

Gue: Pulang yooookkkk......... *afek datar*

Begini, di dalam kegiatan klinik integrasi, semuanya harus dilakukan sesuai SOP (Standard Operating Procedure), dari mulai melakukan pemeriksaan lengkap umum-acc-scaling-acc-pengisian rekam medik khusus-acc-indikasi-baru deh kerja sesuai anamnesa dan diagnosis-acc lagi-kontrol-acc lagi. Berhubung harusnya dilakukan scaling (pembersihan kalkulus/karang gigi) di hampir setiap sebelum tindakan apa pun, maka jadilah requirement itu yang paling cepat selesai. Nah scaling ini merupakan tindakan dasar yang masuk dalam bidang periodonsia, maka bisa dibayangkan berapa banyak seorang dokter gigi melakukan tindakan tersebut, dan bandingkan dengan seorang residen, atau spesialis periodonsia (ya, mereka sih udah males kali ngerjain scaling, terlalu ecek).

Alat yang dipakai sederhana sih, ada yang manual ada yang ga manual (pake mesin). Kalo tindakannya disebut scaling maka yang dilakukan adalah to scale the calculus dan alatnya adalah scaler yang terpasang di Dental Unit. Alat tersebut mengeluarkan air secara otomatis dengan kuantitas yang bisa di-adjust yang bertujuan untuk mengurangi bau tak sedap dan resiko termal yang dihasilkan scaler saat bertemu dengan gigi. Permasalahannya adalah, cipratannya saat masuk ke mulut pasien dan saat sedang berjuang merontokkan dinding-dinding kalkulus yang kokoh tersebut terjadi kadang suka kena ke muka operator (dalam hal ini, gue). Jorok ya kedengerannya? Tapi begitu lah, segala sistem kontrol infeksi kadang susah juga diaplikasikan dalam keadaan kayak begini (kasus kalkulusnya kadang suka lebay). Udah pake masker, kacamata kerja, hanskun rapet-rapet. Tetep aja kumannya beterbangan. Jadilah mungkin bersarang di kulit wajah gue yang saat itu mungkin sistem imunnya kurang (mulai nyalahin sistem imun).

Bisa ga bayangin pohon-pohon dan salju dan bebatuan yang mengelilingi gigi besar itu sebagai karang gigi? Itu lah yang disebut kalkulus kelas 3 ++ dimana mungkin sekali pasiennya menderita gingivitis atau periodontitis dan 'banjir darah' waktu di-scaling.

Sehingga, sejak klinik pertengahan Februari lalu gue mungkin sudah mengalami jerawat hilang-timbul-menetap selama 2-3 kali. Dan sekarang lagi ada beberapa jerawat kecil bandel yang menggemaskan (untuk dimusnahkan) di jidat gue. Besok-besok gue scaling pake cadar sama kaca muka kali ya sambil berlatih supaya posisi gue lebih keliatan profesional, ga cupu, masa kecipratan?? Zzzzz.

Jadi, gue tetep berasumsi bahwa jerawat itu etiologinya adalah kuman-kuman yang ada di klinik. Bukan asumsi-asumsi yang lain!

Semangat Baru!

2011-05-24T22:58:00.000+07:00

Hi fellas! These days, I've been visiting someone's blog. He inspires me without him knowing. Yaa ga yang gimana-gimana banget sih, tapi suka aja baca blog nya. Dia kayaknya pinter nuangin cerita-cerita di keseharian yang mungkin bagi kita biasa aja, jadi tulisan yang renyah (cieilee renyah) dibaca. Gue ga tau sih dia siapa, abis di blognya ga ada sama sekali data-data tentang dia. There's only his name. Tapi dari beberapa postingan blog-nya, gue akhirnya tau dia 'anak tetangga' as known as kuliahnya di fakultas sebelah fakultas gue, dan setingkat di atas gue. No further information and no contacts. Nah, dari beberapa hal yang cukup menginspirasi adalah the way he wrote his life in medical faculty, moreover, his life as a co-assistant (co-ass) in a medical faculty. Gue pun terinspirasi buat nulis tulisan-tulisan yang berkaitan dengan kehidupan 'nyata' gue selama jadi dokter gigi (muda) alias koass, bukan nulis hal-hal yang melulu tentang filosofi kehidupan sehari-hari gue sendiri (hehehe). I actually feel curious about who he is, kalo ketemu mau gue bilang gue suka banget baca blog-nya! Beneran! Hahaha! ~~

Emang kehidupan koass (menurut gue) adalah kehidupan di mana segala sesuatunya bisa dibuat cerita yang seru. Dari suka-duka di berbagai stase, jaga malam, ketemu pasien yang macem-macem, termasuk bumbu-bumbu getting a crush on seniors, doctors, dentists, or residents. Hahahaha... yang ini gue kurang begitu ahli menceritakannya :p

Perlahan-lahan lulus jadi dokter gigi beneran! Amin!

Salah satu cerita seru hari ini adalah gue seneng sekali karena akhirnya gue dapet juga pasien yang indikasi full veneer crown (kalo bahasa awamnya jaket gigi atau mahkota tiruan cekat). Dari sekian banyak requirement klinik (koass) yang harus dilakuin dan dikerjain, kasus yang satu ini emang 1 : sekian, alias mejik banget untuk bisa nemuin kasus itu dalam sekali indikasi. Biasanya, menurut pengalaman orang-orang atau senior-senior klinik gue, ada yang sampe 5,6,7,8, bahkan 9 kali indikasi baru deh bisa dapet kasus ini. Alhamdulillah banget kan?

Jadi begini ceritanya, gue galau banget soal pasien Gigi Tiruan Sebagian (GTS) 1 gue yang mana semua orang kasusnya hanya kehilangan 1-4 gigi dengan oklusi (gigitan) yang stabil, nah loh, untuk kasus yang gue punya ada 7 aja gitu yang hilang. Mana gigi posteriornya free-end alias udah ga ada giginya lagi. Belom lagi dimensi vertikal posteriornya kok rada-rada aneh. Cetak model studi dapet oklusi stabil, pas cetak model kerja oklusinya jadi ga stabil (usut punya usut ternyata pasien mengalami kesulitan mengunyah di sebelah kiri karena ga ada giginya dan sakit ~~kalo makan kerupuk dan sejenisnya~~ sehingga doi selama ini ngunyah sebelah kanan terus, jadilah giginya yang udah banyak ilang di belakang makin ga stabil gara-gara ngunyahnya cuma sebelah). Terus, ada gigi molar 3 atas (graham paling belakang) yang impaksi parsial dan sepertinya mesti di odontectomy dulu, alias operasi pengangkatan gigi molar 3 impaksi. Nah loh, kok ya lama-lama kasus gue ini jadi kompleks dan jadi rada-rada mirip GTS 2?!

Kemudian datang sebuah kabar bahwa pasien gue ini pindah kerja ke tempat yang jauh dari klinik. Deng! Bingung, hampir pasrah dan mau ngerjain kasus doi pas klinik tambahan aja beberapa bulan lagi setelah gue selesai stase klinik lingkar luar (RSUT, RSCM, Oral Medicine, Radiology, Puskesmas Serpong, Pedodonsia, dll). Beberapa minggu dan bulan pun terlalui tanpa ada kemajuan signifikan dari kasus ini. Lalu perkataan pasien gue senin kemaren pas gue restorasi dua gigi belakang bawahnya cukup membawa angin sejuk "Aku mau di buatin gigi depannya aja yang ga bisa dilepas-lepas, yang nempel terus gitu". 'CRING!' muncul lampu nyala di atas kepala, siapa tau bisa indikasi brigde (cari sendiri definisinya deh ya, hehe, jembatan? Bener juga sih...)

Pas pulang, di rumah Ibu juga bilang bahwa salah satu ibu-ibu di pengajiannya ada yang giginya patah, orangnya udah cukup tua. CRING! Idup lagi lampunyadi atas kepala, jadilah hari ini gue bawa pasiennya ke klinik buat di indikasi, dengan harapan seenggaknya kasus prosto gue ada kemajuan lah, ga parah-parah amat, GTS 1 melayang (dan digantikan dengan pasien ~~yang butuh ketekunan khusus untuk menanganinya)~~, GTS 2 belom jelas pasiennya, GTP (Gigi Tiruan Penuh) ridge tulangnya udah hampir rata sama vestibulum, belom ada kasus dowel crown (mahkota pasak), dan lain-lain.

Pasien datang tadi siang bareng Ibu, pas di periksa awal di klinik distribusi, dokternya bilang 'wah jarang nih kasus begini". Meen, dada gue kembang kempis (lebay) karena ngarep banget bisa indikasi full veneer (supaya buku requirement prosto gue ada paraf dan nilainya, hehehe). Foto rontgennya menunjukkan gigi patah cukup besar, tapi usia pasien yang cukup tua membuat lapisan pulpanya semakin kecil dan tidak terjamah oleh gigi yang patah tersebut, ga ada keluhan nyeri atau ngilu. Jadi, singkat kata: "yak indikasi, kamu cetak ya sekarang, jangan lupa gigi-gigi yang hilang ini di buatkan gigi baru juga". Gue nahan girang sok cool gitu lah di depan supervisor.

Maaaak, kasusnya indikasi full veneer crown! Yes, makasih temen ngaji Ibu, kasusnya ajaib, makasih juga makanan keras yang dimakan sehingga membuat giginya patah sedemikian rupa (hehe). Selain kasus full veneer itu, ternyata di dalam satu mulut pasien baru gue ini, ada kasus GTS (mudah-mudahan) 2, dan beberapa gangrena radiks yang harus di cabut, serta ada kalkulus kelas 3 untuk di-scaling. Oke, dalam satu mulut ada kasus prostodonsia, periodonsia, dan bedah mulut sekaligus. Alhamdulillah...

Entah kenapa, rasanya jadi semangat banget, semangat untuk nyelesain status kasus pasien GTS 1 gue supaya segera bisa gue indikasikan bridge (amin) dan semangat buat memberikan perawatan terbaik bagi pasien baru gue ini. Selain beliau temen Ibu, beliau juga kedepannya bakal membantu banyak bagi kesuksesan kehidupan klinik gue. Gue juga jadi pengen buru-buru nyelesai kasus pasien-pasien gue yang (yang makin kesini kasusnya makin membuat gue takikardi *lebaylagi*). Baiklah, mari semua berdoa, semoga ini adalah langkah baru gue buat maju dan semangat di klinik, dan semangat kayak gini semakin bertambah setiap harinya! Amiin...

Future Once More :D

2011-05-17T11:09:00.008+07:00

It's called obsession, I think. Gue ga tau sih arti harfiah atau arti yang sebenarnya dari obsesi. Dulu jamannya kuliah psikiatri diajarin tuh macem-macem penyakit jiwa, nah salah satunya obsesi. (Sebenernya gw takut salah ini termasuk penyakit jiwa apa bukan, correct me if I'm wrong, ya! Hehe).

Gue dulu pengen banget punya license terbang pake paralayang, pengen bisa nulis nama gue di pasir puncak Mahameru, mancing ikan di Danau Segara Anak di Gunung Rinjani, pengen punya license diving dan ngelakuin dive tour di semua laut-laut Indonesia. Pengen keliling Indonesia. Di antara sekian banyak cita-cita orang yang pengen keliling dunia, gue masih loh pengennya keliling Indonesia! Soalnya menurut gue, di Indonesia itu aja udah ada berratus-ratus budaya berbeda, ada ratusan bahasa, ada ribuan keanekaragaman. Menurut gue, kurang afdol aja gue sebagai orang Indonesia asli kalo ga kenal banget sama negeri gue. Hehehe :D

Gue juga dulu pernah pengen punya cita-cita jadi seorang jurnalis, nulis, nge-report kejadian-kejadian unik dan fenomenal di mana-mana. Masuk ke daerah-daerah bahaya atau jarang di datengin orang buat meng-explore apa-apa yang ada di sana. Itu gue dulu, pas gue masih SMP. Pengennya keliling-keliling, pengennya jalan-jalan, ketemu orang-orang yang beda-beda. Seru deh.

Dan pertengahan tahun 2007 tau-tau gue nangkring aja gitu di sebuah fakultas yang lulusannya bakal ngobok-ngobok dan ngobrak-ngabrik isi mulut orang. Gue bahkan berjuang dengan gigih buat bisa 'nangkring' di fakultas ini. Kalo kakak gue yang jurusannya Geological Engineering punya kaos yang tulisan di punggungnya "Geology, We Explore The World", bisa-bisa kaos gue tulisannya "Dentistry, We Explore People's Mouth". Dan gue tetep bersyukur karena ternyata exploring people's mouth itu berasa seperti exploring the world. Kenapa? Ini dia alasannya....

Weekend kemaren, tanggal 14-15 Mei 2011 gue ikutan seminar tentang Dental Career Development yang diadain sama ILUNI FKG UI. Gue ketemu sama banyak lulusan-lulusan kampus gue yang totally inspiring. Ada yang masuk institusi pemerintahan, mengabdi sebagai TNI, jadi dokter gigi kepresidenan, jadi researcher dan mengabdi di dunia ilmu pengetahuan umumnya, dan dunia ilmu kedokteran gigi khususnya, buka klinik sendiri atau kerja sebagai pengelola rumah sakit, kerja di depkes atau dinkes, jadi dosen, ngambil spesialis, ngambil overseas studies, ngambil S2 atau S3, atau ga praktek sama sekali dan melakukan changing career jadi pengusaha, kerja di bank, atau yang lainnya, kayak Chairul Tandjung gitu lah. Dengan segitu banyak bidang yang (ternyata) bisa gue ambil sebagai pilihan setelah lulus, gue jadi punya lampu "CRING!" di atas kepala gue bahwa, by exploring people's mouth, I can explore the 'world'. :D

Gue suka ga bisa ngebayangin, ada loh ya di dunia ini orang yang segitu eager-nya buat dapetin cita-cita, segitu rajin dan niatnya buat nggak jadi biasa aja, buat jadi luar biasa. Meen, menurut gue syarat untuk melakukan riset supaya dapet beasiswa ngambil S2 Oral Pathology di Jepang merupakan hal yang me-malas-kan. Atau untuk bisa paham tentang DNA Profiling buat seorang S2 atau S3 forensik adalah hal yang membosankan. Orang-orang yang kayak gitu yang menurut gue ga pernah merasa 'cukup' dengan kapabilitas yang mereka udah milikin. Pinter, cerdas, tapi masih pengen lebih pinter lagi, masih pengen lebih cerdas lagi. They're total inspirations!

Dan pulang dari seminar itu gue mikir macem-macem. Jadi deh, galau masa depan. Hahaha, gue masih pengen loh nyicipin keliling Indonesia, teteeep akhirnya abis lulus mau PTT ke daerah-daerah menantang dan terpencil, mengabdi di daerah sambil ngejajal gunung-gunungnya atau diving di lautnya (sambil nulis-nulis atau mulai nyusun novel mungkin, hehe), terus ngumpulin duit buat ngambil spesialis yang gue sendiri belom tau mau ngambil spesialis apa (Zzzz...), terus mau ngambil S3 forensik kalo ada (pernah nonton CSI? Most of the cases need dental record and dentists are needed to investigate, apalagi buat kasus-kasus dimana korban udah ga bisa didekteksi secara fisik luar gitu). Terus, terus, terus.... (ga ada puasnya, hahaha.. Tinggal gimana implementasinya aja nih, konsisten ga ya gue? :P)

Pas cerita ke Papa sama Ibu, mereka seneng tau rencana-rencana gue, tapi terusnya nanya: "Nikah nya mau kapan?" (Eeeyaaa, *antiklimaks* orang tua jaman sekarang pengen anaknya sukses tapi pengen punya mantu dan cucu juga cepet-cepet). Terus terjadi sedikit diskusi antara kami bertiga dengan kesimpulan: Whatever path you will take for your future, consider your mate. Who he will be, that's who you'll be, too, where he will be, that's where you'll be, too. Karena sebaik-baiknya wanita adalah wanita yang patuh dan setia pada suaminya, kayak gini nih...

Whaterver will happen, you and your husband must always stay together, side by side, hold each other's hands. *cieee...

Jadi, (obsesi) masa depan gue masih bisa dibuat fleksibel. Ok, di kepala gue kayaknya masih banyak opsi sih, tinggal di-synchronize :P

Picture credit: my weheartit.com

Bright Future Requires Sacrifices and Non-stop Gratitudes

2011-05-08T21:09:00.002+07:00

Hello again!

Seminggu ke belakang entah kenapa gue kurang bersemangat dalam pemenuhan requirement klinik. Sementara temen-temen lain kejar-kejaran sama requirement-nya. Berusaha secepat mungkin menyelesaikan setiap langkah requirement-nya. Sementara gue? Kok ya bagian-bagian yang seharusnya cepet dan banyak pasiennya, gue malah belom. Kerrrr..... -_____-

Dan akhir minggu ini, tepatnya dari hari Kamis sampe Jumat, gue mengalami penurunan kondisi fisik, alias sakit (lagi). Pas sakit itu lah, gue makin males gerak dan males 'bertele-tele' untuk sekedar pemeriksaan lengkap umum dan acc kerjaan. Gue tau sih gue ga seharusnya manjain badan gue sendiri walau pun lagi sakit, harusnya sih semangat gue kebakar pas liat temen-temen gue udah selesai reqirement diskusi tatap muka perio-nya dan gue belom. Mungkin gue cuma kurang gesit dan 'ngeh' sama kondisi pasien yang bisa dijadiin requirement ini-itu. Atau gue mungkin cuma kurang mau ribet-ribet buat nyiapin bahan diskusi dan sebagainya.

Gue jadi inget Jumat minggu lalu waktu gue jadi responden untuk skripsinya dua orang anak Teknik Industri UI. Sebut saja mereka Landra dan Bayu (emang nama asli, nyehehe). Panjang kalo diceritain secara detil, yang jelas mereka udah dari lama kapan tau deh nangkring di klinik FKG UI buat ngukur-ngukurin tinggi, berat, dan lain-lain-nya anak-anak klinik, udah gitu minta kita satu-satu pada isi kuesioner tentang badan kita dan keluhan kita pas kerja, yaa yang berkaitan sama ergonomi gitu deh (ga ngerti juga sih gue sebenernya), gue bisa bayangin betapa susahnya, karena anak-anak kalo lagi pada kerja klinik kan sibuk banget, susah buat cari waktu luangnya. Setelah mereka dapet data kita semua, diseleksi lah yang kira-kira bisa mewakili tubuh ideal yang tinggi, sedang, dan kecil (bisa tebak kan gue bagian yang mana? Hahaha!). Akhirnya gue, Shinta, dan Kak Lovi diajak ke kampusnya mereka buat ikut simulasi ekstraksi gigi dan scaling (yang setelah dilihat dari hasil kuesioner, jadi kerjaan yang paling banyak bikin dokter gigi sakit punggung). Pulang klinik, Landra jemput di kampus Salemba, dan Bayu siap-siapin semuanya di lab kampusnya di Depok. Pas sampe ke lab tersebut. Surpriseeeee...! Ada banyak makanan kecil, DVD film-film drama (Bayu bilang, "Lo pada kan cewek-cewek, gue pinjemin nih DVD-DVD drama yang cewek-cewek suka" dengan polosnya, padahal ga gitu juga sih), dan beberapa majalah cewek dan bahkan novel dan iPod fully-charged buat kita semua.

Sampe di sana kira-kira jam 15.30, gue masuk lab buat simulasi jam 16.00 dan baru keluar jam 20.00. Bayangin aja, belom lagi Shinta dan Kak Lovi. Oh iya gue perlu cerita tentang keadaan gue di dalem lab yang menurut gue canggih gila itu, gue dipasangin marker-marker di beberapa titik tubuh gue dan gue berada di ruangan luas yang dikelilingi semacam kamera yang nantinya bakal nangkep sinyal dari marker-marker yang nempel di badan gue saat gue melakukan simulasi scaling dan ekstraksi gigi. Nah terus hasilnya akan masuk ke sebuah komputer canggih yang nantinya akan membentuk gerakan-gerakan gue pas kerja. Prosesnya lamaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget! Gue scaling cuma 40 detik, proses di kompiternya bisa hampir sejam sendiri. Jadilah gue mesti nunggu lama. And guess what? Di dalem lab itu Bayu udah nyiapin majalah dan iPod-nya, serta sprei buat gue nunggu, supaya ga kedinginan atau bisa tidur kalo ngantuk. Dan dalam selang beberapa waktu tangannya Bayu atau Landra masuk ke dalem buat ngasih minum atau makanan buat gue (berhubung gue pake jilbab jadi mereka berdua, yang notabenenya cowok, ga boleh masuk, jadi yang di dalem adalah temen-temen mereka yang cewek). Setelah gue selesai, masuk lah Kak Lovi, dan seterusnya. Selesai jam berapa semuanya? Jam 01.15 pagi! Kerjaan Landra dan Bayu ga selesai disitu, tapi harus nganter gue, Shinta dan Kak Lovi pulang ke rumah masing-masing (belakangan gue tau Landra sampe rumah jam 3.10 pagi, dan jam 08.00 pagi harus udah di kampus lagi buat simulasi responden-responden yang cowok, begitu juga Bayu).

Gue ga mau nyebutin satu-satu yang mereka lakuin buat skripsi mereka, karena gue ga tau (yang gue tau aja udah panjang banget kalo ditulis, apalagi gue mungkin bisa bikin ceritanya jadi mengharukan, you know writers! Haha!). Tapi dari yang gue liat aja, gue rasa mereka berhak loh dapet nilai bagus banget buat skripsinya. Soal hasil secara akademik nya gue pastinya ga ngerti, tapi liat usaha dan perjuangan mereka yang ga tanggung-tanggung menurut gue pantes dapet nilai lebih. Gue sampe bilang ke mereka: "Lo berdua harus dapet nilai paling bagus buat skripsi ini, awas aja kalo sampe enggak!". Kenapa? Yah, kalo dibandingin sama skripsi gue semester lalu, ga ada apa-apanya banget skripsi gue. Bayu dan Landra cuma salah satu contoh dari beberapa orang yang gue tau pasti gila-gilaan banget buat nyelesain skripsi.

Kalo dipikir lebih logis, emang sih, mereka ini ngerjain skripsi atau TA (Tugas Akhir), ya emang terakhir, secara abis lulus mereka pasti (Insya Allah) bisa cari kerja dan punya uang sendiri (amin), sedangkan gue dan temen-temen di FKG, ngerjain skripsi buat dapet gelar sarjana doang, tapi belom bisa kerja nyari duit sebagai dokter gigi. Masih ada koass dengan requirement-nya yang bikin hampir gila, dan Ujian Dokter Gigi. Anggep aja, skripsi-nya Landra dan Bayu adalah proses klinik-nya gue dan temen-temen di FKG. Jauh lamaan gue sih, tapi dari waktu yang jauh lebih sedikit, Bayu sama Landra maksimal banget, parah! Sedangkan gue? Kadang semangat, tapi kalo ga ada pasien, malah males dan cuma duduk-duduk ga ada juntrungannya. Nyia-nyiain waktu yang ada buat nyelesain requirement. Parah!

I should've been wiser in using my time given. Beneran, diluar sana orang-orang susah payah bisa dapetin tempat duduk di kampus gue. Dari yang punya 'harapan', sampe rada-rada punya 'harapan'. Gue sering banget liat anak sekolah tawuran, dan suka denger pengalaman temen-temen yang lagi stase RSU Tangerang yang jaga IGD dan dapet pasien cilako alias celaka akibat tawuran. Ada lah yang matanya ketusuk clurit, tangannya putus, apa lah. Kasian sih, tapi mau apa? Mereka kan harusnya sekolah kan? Harusnya bersyukur orang tuanya masih bisa kerja buat biayain mereka sekolah. Terus mereka malah jemput kematian sendiri. Mau jadi apa coba? Suka sedih tapi kesel juga liatnya kan. Meeen, emak bapak nya kerjanya susah, bukan orang-orang yang bisa gampang buat ngeluarin duit untuk pendidikan anaknya, mereka rata-rata orang-orang yang harus ngencengin ikat pinggang nahan laper buat sekolah. Ini yang gue bilang rada-rada punya 'harapan'.

Dulu gue punya prinsip jadiin pendidikan seperti ibadah, kalo bisa dapetin yang terbaik, kenapa harus dapet yang kedua atau ketiga terbaik? And then here I am, duduk di kursi kuliah nya FKG UI udah lewat (alhamdulillah), dan sekarang duduk di Dental Unit-nya FKG UI buat dapetin gelar drg di depan nama gue. Papa bentar lagi pensiun, kakak gue udah mau selesai kuliahnya, adek gue mau masuk kuliah. Gue mungkin termasuk orang-orang yang paling beruntung yang ada di muka bumi. Termasuk orang-orang yang bernasib baik sebagai warga negara Indonesia, masih bisa ngunyah bangku kuliah (jelek ye bahasanya), dan masih punya harapan buat jadi berhasil, bahkan gue udah dipastikan lulus sebagai dokter gigi, tinggal gimana gue-nya aja mau kapan jadi dokter gigi-nya.

Pada dasarnya, mungkin semua tergantung kita masing-masing kali ya. Kalo mau, pasti ada jalan, kalo niat pasti ada harapan. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala ga pernah ga denger doa hamba-Nya. Mungkin gue dan beberapa temen-temen gue (yang mungkin suka ngerasa kurang semangat di klinik juga) cuma kadang lupa caranya bersyukur atas nikmat luar biasa ini. Semoga semangat gue di sisa waktu klinik ini tetep terjaga baik dan selalu bertambah, dan semoga selalu ada jalan yang memudahkan dan melancarkan pemenuhan requirement gue di klinik. Amin. (Ga sabar juga gue pengen cepet-cepet beliin Papa sama Ibu ini-itu pake duit gue sendiri).

Dari berbagai stase; klinik integrasi , RSUT, Oral Medicine, Pedodontics, Public Health, Oral Surgery. Lulus sama-sama tepat waktu! Amin! :D

Semoga temen-temen gue dan kakak gue yang lagi pada nyusun tesis dan skripsi, diberi kelancaran dan selalu terjaga semangatnya buat bisa berhasil dan lulus dengan nilai terbaik. Amin.

Mean it

2011-04-24T22:32:00.002+07:00

What so called 'Love Bridge', Tidung Island, April 2011.

If anyone of you have been following this blog since the first post, you might have known someone I used to call 'you' or 'dia'. It's been more than one year I don't see him. I don't know how he is, how he look like, whether he's doing fine or not.
I must admit that he's someone who's really remarkable in my life. But that doesn't mean that I should put him on the list of my priority of thinking, or worry about, or to-love-list, or to-care-for-list, etc, etc, etc. I don't feel worry as much as I once have felt about his life, his health, his problems, his personal life, his love life, his job, etc. I don't really care as much as before I decided not to be going on in this life with his presence anymore.

But it's not that I've thrown the memories of him away to the garbage and left them behind. No, I'm just too stupid in forgetting this 'uncategorized yet broken' relationship. I've had been in my lowest part, so sad, never in a good mood for anything, always wanted to be alone and not talking to anyone. That's when I knew what I've been hoping wouldn't ever be coming true. When I knew that what I deserve wasn't what I want. Then again, times and problems teached me. Pains have left me many things to learn, so I went on with acceptances and understandings. To realized that he'd never be good enough for me, and I'd never be good enough for him, I need to open my mind widely and to release all of my ego. And that took so many sacrifices and tears. But it gets easier each day, not because I've lost my feeling or because I don't care anymore, but because I try to understand that this might have been the best for me. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee. - Umar bin Khattab.
So maybe destiny said that this has to be happened.

In yesterdays, I felt like I was the one who messed everything up, I regretted almost everything. I blamed myself for making mistakes, or for being too far involved in his personal life. Today that it's been long not talking to each other, I regret that we've never been able to keep the silaturahim between us, good. I tweeted something few days ago, "I don't hate the place you were born, the city you live, the company you worked for, the university you studied at, when I want to forget you. I'm just respecting silaturahim, that's sunnah, that's why I always try to knock on your door even f it's locked only for me."
I didn't mean to argue or be getting involved in his bad history. But it was sad when he then replied my tweet without mentioning me, saying that the only one who knows best about his past and how he's been feeling is him, and I don't know anything and that's why we're different, that's why he found it hard to not correlating the place his past had been born, or the city his past have been living, etc to the bad history of his life.

Really, I knock on his door just because I respect silaturahim, I respect that I have known a person like him, that he once had stayed in my life even just for a while. I knock on his door not to ask him to open the lock for me, but to remind myself that I shouldn't have ignored the fact that I know him, the fact that he's still alive in this world and that he's not my enemy. Not to be stranger like now. At least that's what I feel. But I felt disappointed the time I read his tweet. It's true that I don't know how hard to be him, I know nothing about his feelings, I don't feel the same. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I have them too and I can be hurt. The fact that I don't face the same problems like him doesn't mean that he's facing the hardest problems in the world. I could feel as bad as he feels even though it's way too different. I never meant to get into his life anymore, he doesn't want it, I don't either. One thing that I don't understand is how we have turned to be stranger to each other?

Well, I'll never know if I never try to forgive my past, so I forgave my past, I let all go, and look forward to a happier life. Then Allah showed me many things I should thank Him so much every single day. I hope he's just as happy as I am now. And I don't wanna care anymore about anything related to him.

Massive Power of Love

2011-04-17T00:14:00.000+07:00

“Saat kalian menghadapi suatu tantangan, mungkin kalian tidak sadar bahwa yang merasa paling sakit adalah orang tua, mereka sangat ingin membantu kalian melewatinya tapi mereka tidak berdaya karena kalian tetap harus berjuang sendirian.” - Ibu Hilda Assiyatun

I found this quoted by someone I follow on Tumblr.com and I suddenly remembered Ibu. My only one Ibu. She never said that it hurts not being able to help me in my hardships. But I remember she has said some things like; "Ibu bisa apa dong? Kamu jangan mengeluh terus, Ibu juga bingung harus bantu apa, Ibu kan nggak ngerti.", "Sini kalo ada yang pegel Ibu bantu pijitin", "kalo pusing Ibu buatin susu ya.", "Makan dulu trus tidur sebentar baru di kerjain lagi kerjaannya. Jangan dipaksa." Then she hugged me.

Times pass. When we were child, we cried for something and our mother and father always could be there to help and stopped our tears. As we grow older, we sometimes forget how our parents never take their sight away from us. They wish they could accompany us until the very end, but we had our own business, we entered our own new world and got our own responsibilities. They couldn't help us any way when we found difficulties. Even when we finally cried like a baby.

Once Ibu became my patient, she never stopped telling Papa that my work was done so well and she's satisfied with her new cleaned teeth. One thing that will always be marked inside my heart is her hug every time I feel so hard, every time I'm facing difficulties. That day, after I've done scaling her teeth, she was willing to go back home, (fyi, we never do hugging for purposeless thing), she hugged me without saying anything, I just kiss her hand and say Salam.

At that very moment I know her hug was as a replacement of her help for me through the rest of the hard days cause she hoped she could help me through that warm hug. And for the rest of the day, I feel much easier. I believe that was the power of the warm hug who held the steer.

Lombok, 2008
She's really the greatest gift Allah has given me in my whole life. Makasih ya Allah :)

Charice Pempengco - A Song For Mama

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My Most Minuses

2011-04-14T21:09:00.009+07:00

It happened when I was in elementary school, I accidentally hit my friend when we played basketball and she got hurt. She cried cause it felt hurt too bad. You know? I was petrified like a stupid mess. I couldn't say anything but useless sorry. I went home full with guilt inside my chest. I began to cry myself along way back home. I was really afraid and at night I couldn't fall asleep cause all the bad thoughts started to ruin my night. I was worry about her. I worried about herself, about her family (who might have had mad at me), about our other friends' thoughts, and about our friendship. I cried all along the night, I could't close my eyes.

And the day after that, I came to school and began to cry again in the corner of the class. I was really afraid and didn't know how to apologize. Even one of my friend told me that she's okay even since yesterday, I still feel sorry. It was that bad in my opinion. But then again, she came to me and said that she's really okay and I didn't need to feel sorry anymore. It was a very nice smile I saw that day, my friend's smile when I finally known she's just okay.

It's true that I am a human with too sensitive heart. You may say I'm just overestimating myself. Up to you, but it's true. When I hurt someone physically and she/he feel hurt, I might have been feelin more hurt mentally or 'heart'-ly just because I was afraid something bad would happen to him/her. If I ever made someone mad at me, I will feel guilty in my whole life before he/she really say that everything's okay right through my eyes.

My most minuses are that I'm too concern about what other's think about me and I am so afraid of losing. I might have never been good enough to be a superstar cause I can't stand through bad things other people think of me. If I did something wrong to someone, I'll feel guilty all the time, and the worst part is that I don't know how to apologize. I don't have nice words to be said, I don't know how to act when I feel guilt. All I feel is buried inside my chest and suffocating my neck. I'm worrying anything after that.

If I hurt somebody, I'll feel sorry all the time without knowing how to make everything feels right again. I'm just too stupid to make a relationship back to normal when I think I've already made a mess in it. And sometimes even when I'm already forgiven, I still feel a hole remains in my heart. I always think that if I'm being hurt by someone (I don't know why) I couldn't be mad at them. I'll be okay with them cause I know myself will feel too much guilt if I were them. So I won't be mad, I'll try my best to state that it's all okay and I'll be fine, and without being asked, I'll give my open hand to welcome his/hers. I'll open my heart to forgive. I don't want to hurt others, I don't want to make them feel guilty because of me, too.

I'm not overrated. I just feel like... Why do things in front of me sometimes look so scary? Why do I often feel worry all the time? Why do I feel too afraid of hurting anyone while others may think that it's just insignificant? I just don't want to hurt anybody.

Sometimes a fool doesn't know he's a fool
And sometimes a dog, he don't know he's a dog
But sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it at all
Sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do.
- Babyface

Marked Question of Today

2011-04-08T00:58:00.001+07:00

We are now having an exchange student from Holland in our faculty. Today was her third day in clinic. Me and my friends were too busy every day, and this morning there were no patient of mine and I was waiting for discussion with my lecturer when she finally took time to have a little conversation with me.

Started with some usual questions like "have you tried some Indonesian foods?", "Periodontitis sometimes takes no recession, but it has loss of attachments, bla bla bla..." or "Do you have the same methods in studying dentistry in your country as well?" and "Yesterday I saw a group of girls who did odontectomy and it amazed me how the teacher let the girls did it themselves while in my country there always be the oral surgeon guiding us, bla bla bla...". We continue to other questions such as summer vacations, hiking places in Holland, our charity program in here, etc, etc, etc.

It took almost 20 minutes and we've already had so many things to talk about. Then someone allegedly a patient, walked in front of us wearing very short skirt. She looked at her for a while and asked me, "Is it common to see people wearing that kind of cloth here?"

I began to tell what I think I can explain to her about how the culture of eastern should be. I was afraid of being wrong and made her got a wrong perception. Then she said that she'll go to exchange to Malaysia too after Indonesia and she thought that the people in Malaysia would be more stricted to the modest culture. "Last Tuesday I went to Grand Indonesia and I saw more girls wearing clothes like that, too, so well yeah, I think it's been usual to wear it in here now." She raised her shoulder telling me that she's understand.

Then she asked me, "Do you spend so much time on wearing that over your head every morning? How long it takes?"

I was a little bit surprised, well it was the first time of mine being asked by someone who's maybe unusual with hijab culture in her daily.

Then I murmured, "Oh no, it only takes about 5 minutes, even less."

She looked amazed by my answer and said, "Oh wow, it looks like you have to wear it all day long, and also cover your feet, wearing socks, and so on and so on. I don't think I can do that. It looks hot."

"Hahaha, yeah especially in Indonesia, where the temperature could reach almost 40 degrees, you need to be getting used to it."

"Hahaha yeah, it's hot here, even the hottest summer in my country is less hot then here, it's only 27-30 degrees. So what you wear over your head before it?" She nodded to my inner hijab.

"We call it inner hijab, we wear it and then cover it with the scarf and then pin it. Then it's a wraaaap!" I laughed.

"Hahaha yea looks like you had nothing to do with your hair. Well, you look like you've already been easy with that, it needs time to be getting used to it, huh?"

"Yea, the first time I wore it, I felt hot, too and I thought it'd be hard to wear it for the rest of my life, then my mother and teacher said 'you must wear it with your heart, knowing that it's a must and it's good for you, it protects you from bad things', so I started to believe that this is for my own good, so I commited to wear it, and it feels good now. It feels like... You know, safe." I smiled.

She smiled.

Then we went to other topics.

I always understand that there must be many people who's very much better than me. Rasulullah Salallahu Alaihi Wassalam's wives and his daughter were and are the ones who are 'perfect' as muslimah. And it took more than hundreds of years for me to be exactly like them. I need to learn more and more every single day about how to be a good muslimah. To cover not only my head and my body but also my heart, to keep my attitude, etc.

So when it came to me such question like this morning, I feel I should tell proper explanation about how and why I should cover my head and body. Honestly I'm still in a process of learning to be a good muslimah. I prefered to wear it before I really understood about why God commanded us to cover our whole body. But I know that I should keep on learning to be better and better. Wearing hijab is not only modest clothing, but also as a sign that I commit to God's rule, for my own good. All I know is that I hold to Quran and Hadith which guide me through this temporary life on earth. Like what Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala said in Surah 24, An Nur, Ayah 31 of the Holy Quran.

Reminiscing ♥♥♥

2011-03-27T23:01:00.002+07:00

In my leisure times, I like to browse many things through the internet. Browsing my sister's facebook page, visiting my friends' photos, reading some of old conversations in messenger, blogwalking, reminiscing, and so on and so on and so on.

Tonight I browse my brother's facebook page and find some new pictures of him with his friends. He is now sooooo adventurer! You know, I told you some facts about him in this blog several months ago and he's now so. I mean, he's a manly man! Like I have told you, I always adore a man like him. Well said, I often did some fights with him, yea like almost all siblings do, some brother-sister kinds of fighting. And yet, years passed by and we grew older, more mature and become so different in the way of thinking. He's now becoming a very mature big brother for me and my sister. He's an ideal brother a sister should have, in my opinion. Hehehe...

And my sister, she grew up so fast! Oh my God, what in this world has made time feels flying so fast right everytime I think that she's still a 3 years-toddler I could kiss and hug every night before we go to bed together? And now she's almost 17 and starting to consider her future major in the university.

I contemplate. What if I ever exchanged my position with one of my siblings. I mean, if I were my sister, then would it be possible for me to still play galaksin or surf the friendster pages and never got permission to come home late? While in the other hand, my sister is now so mobile by having her handy BlackBerry phone and going to Java Jazz. She might have been feeling such 'depressed' by being the youngest between us. Having to follow atleast the same grade with her big sister and brother in academic. But I actually think I could never be good enough being her. You know, she's too smart, she could get the highest IQ score and the big 5 ranks in her class without being a bookworm (in my dictionary, bookworm means to study very hard). She's just so young, the way she thinks, so young, she's too in love with her teenages. And I think that's okay.

Or if I were my brother, will I be like me now? Being busy in clinic, facing my patients' mouths, 'exploring' their teeth and mouth problems, learning about how to treat them. While in the other hand, my brother has been going to so many great places on earth. Exploring mountains, ascending and descending in the caves, climbing the rocks, camping in forests and seasides surveying for coal and oil mines. I like adventuring, such hidden hobby I've been keeping inside. If I were my brother I wouldn't have had times to be spent in malls or cinemas. I might have had more times to be spent outdoor. And I don't think I could stand for it since I found it so hard to work with 'physics and mechanics' basics.

My mother often said that we all have our own paths according to God's plans. And she told us His plans are the best, so why worry if our life has been arranged so well? As long as we know which ones are good and which ones aren't, as long as we hold on to Quran and Hadist, we'll never be lost.

So, now that me, my brother, and my sister are getting older in age, we're changing, I just feel like, Oh Allah, I miss our old times, having time together, doing some cool holidays together even if it was only at home watching TV, fight to watch our own favorite shows. Me for Sailor Moon, my brother for Popeye, and my sister for Jiban, and ended up together watch Doraemon! Hhahaha...

I hope we can grow to be successful people in the future and do make Papa and Ibu proud of us. Yes, I know we can, and we will. :D Wish us luck, guys!

Eyes Closed

2011-03-18T01:34:00.003+07:00

Sita, GWK 2010. By Hendro AS

Sometimes when you want to forget something you have to push your mind not to think about it all time. But for me, it's better off letting the time teach me how to. Because honestly, I never get it out from my mind. Because without trying not to think about it, my daily activities teach me how to.

Proven, I didn't close my eyes and when I am given the scenery of the memories, I remember, but no such the same feeling as they used to be.I was busy, I am busy, I will be much busier each day, and it kills the feelings of how hard it is when remembering the memories. So, it gets easier and like what John Legend has said, each day gets better.

I'm busy doing tasks, taking care of my patients in clinic, busy fighting for my own war, busy fighting for my much better future. Because, I know I have a beautiful future. I believe it. :)

I didn't close my eyes, I was just too busy to think about why and why. Too many things fill my mind and compete to take my most attention. Until I feel my mind just too fulfilled with so many thoughts that it could be replaced. Time heals, time teaches. So, when I see it again, I try to close my eyes, but it gives no effects. Then I open my eyes again and see it bravely. I just feel like, 'so what? I have already accepted everything and why do I have to worry? It happens, it's just happened and I can do nothing more unless accept it.'

Memories will never be forgottern, but the feelings when we remember them will eventually change. So no need to worry. I don't care as much as I did anymore. See I face it. :D

February Endings Part. 2

2011-02-27T23:49:00.009+07:00

What in this world can make you feel complete when you haven't got married and had your own family, a successful and lovely husband and cute kids, watching them growing up to be successful people?

What in this world can make you feel complete when you haven't gone pilgrimage and haven't graduated from your college and haven't been able to buy stuffs with your own money?

What in this world can make you feel any happier than when you know the one you love, loves you in return?

There are always the people who put their attentions on you, not because you're popular or too bright to be true. Not because the way you dress up or the way you talk, not because you have your own car and can go abroad every holiday, but because they always want to watch over you if you ever needed them and be there as soon as you wish they do.

Even when you have no excuses to be sad, they give you space to be so, and when you're done, they stay, waiting for you to laugh together again. When you think you're ugly, they know when to be true to you and where to find your pretty side. They will be there in the front line beside you when you're about to fight your war. They are those who want to know your updates when nobody cares or just too curious, because for them, you are a part of their story in life.

They're those for whom you look when you're about to tell so many stories, when you have so many things to share. They are those who keep your bad stuffs, who laugh at your most stupid attitude, who said "you're not even funny" at your jokes but they keep on remembering the way you joke and not even got bored of it. You could never stand for your next meet ups with them. They're those whom you miss a lot to have lunch together when you all are in a very busy times.

When you are at your lowest, they don't care that you don't use Blackberry and can not be reached by Blackberry Messenger, you got them in your monitor, buzz-ing you at Yahoo! Messenger and asking you 'howdy?'.

So isn't it amazing if you have them in your life?

February, february, you always gave me so many stories to be told :D

In life, sometimes you just need to take a rest for a while, enjoying your happy times. Don't rush, because at that time, you feel complete and happy :)

What I feel in This Year's Maulid Nabi.

2011-02-15T20:56:00.003+07:00

Kemaren gue ngepost blog tentang masa lalu yang belum terlalu berlalu, gue berpikir itu cukup oke untuk di post, bukan untuk dibaca orang-orang, tapi sekedar untuk mengungkapkan yang gue rasain secara tiba-tiba saat itu aja. Seperti gue biasa mempergunakan hak-hak gue di blog gue ini (cieilee...). But then I think it was really not cool. Posting about that again is really so last year. So I decided to remove it. I've made a pact for myself to write more useful things starting from early 2011. Insya Allah :)

Dan hari ini gue mikir lagi tentang postingan kemaren, betapa gue bertindak seperti orang yang paling bisa mencintai, atau menyayangi orang lain, padahal gue kadang masih suka lupa, ada Yang Punya Cinta, ada Yang Menciptakan adanya rasa cinta itu atau gue ngerasa gue udah bisa mencintai paling-paling. Padahal ada yang paling mencintai. Atau gue mungkin bertindak seperti yang paling ngerasa sakit, padahal Allah SWT pasti nggak akan membiarkan gue ngerasa sakit tanpa memberi pelajaran. Ya kan? :D

Bismillah...

Jadi gue sebenernya awalnya lupa hari ini itu libur nasional apaan. Astaghfirullah, pas liat twitter salah satu orang yang gue follow, dua hari yang lalu, baru lah gue inget hari ini Maulid Nabi. Kesibukan yang cukup menyita waktu belakangan ini emang agak bikin gue jadi kurang multitasking (padahal harus jadi super multitasking selama di klinik, hiks).

Terus, tadi pagi, gue bangun dan nonton siraman rohani pagi, Alhamdulillah gue masih lumayan suka nonton siraman rohani pagi-pagi, walau pun biasanya sambil gradak-gruduk siap-siap berangkat ke kampus dan ujung-ujungnya ga fokus dan tivinya dibiarkan menyala sementara gue heboh siap-siap. Nah, berhubung hari ini libur, jadi bisa nonton beneran. Pak Ustadz nya bilang hal yang sederhana, semua orang pasti tau dan pernah denger; tentang betapa Rasulullah Salallahu Alaihi Wassalam mencintai ummatnya. Bahwa di detik-detik beliau diambil nyawanya oleh malaikat pencabut nyawa, beliau masih sempat memikirkan ummatnya, ummatnya, dan ummatnya.

Saking cintanya beliau sama ummatnya, beliau nangis sebelum meninggal karena mikirin kita, ummatnya. Pak Ustadz tadi pagi di tivi juga cerita tentang gimana sedihnya sahabat-sahabat saat ditinggal oleh beliau. Gue tiba-tiba jadi mikir, gimana kalo saat itu gue udah ada, gue jadi saksi hidup bagi keindahan perangai dan perilaku beliau. Dan gue jadi saksi saat beliau meninggal. Ya ampuun, Malaikat Jibril aja sedih pas beliau dicabut nyawanya, katanya gini, "Siapakah yang sanggup melihat kekasih Allah direnggut ajal?" (gue nangis loh pas baca tentang ini! Huaaaa....)

Nah, terus sampe deh di bagian muhasabah. Gue kalo nonton siraman rohani di tivi jarang banget bisa konsen di bagian muhasabah, biasanya malah gue diem aja, cuma liat, hehehe...

Salah satu kalimat di muhasabahnya:

"Ya Allah, sempatkanlah aku untuk bertemu dan melihat wajahnya, beri kesempatan aku untuk bertemu dengannya, walau pun hanya dalam mimpi..."

Trus gue jadi mikir (tetep ga konsen ke muhasabanya, malah konsen ke pikiran gue sendiri), iya juga ya, gimana ya kalo gue dikasih ketemu sama beliau lewat mimpi? Kayak gimana beliau? Wajahnya, ketampanan fisiknya, gue naksir ga ya (saking ngefans nya, hehe), kayak gimana ya senyum beliau yang katanya paling menyejukkan, kayak gimana ya tatapan matanya, gimana ya tutur katanya. Dan kemudian gue tiba-tiba mikir, apa yang bakal beliau katakan, atau apa yang bakal beliau rasakan saat bertemu gue, salah satu ummatnya yang masih sering ingkar, yang masih banyak banget berbuat dosa. Meeen, langsung luntur khayalan gue. Berasa ga pantes berandai-andai bisa ketemu Rasulullah. Kayaknya gue masih mesti ngantri berribu-ribu atau berjuta-juta antrian untuk bisa melihat beliau kalo emang ada antriannya. Dan antrian-antrian di depan gue ini adalah orang-orang yang ibadahnya jauuuuhhh sekali melebihi gue.

Tapi, balik lagi, Rasulullah sangat mencintai ummatnya, beliau nggak milih-milih waktu berdoa untuk ummatnya. Hal yang paling sedih kalo gue baca cerita tentang beliau ya di bagian beliau meninggal. Gue suka nggak kebayang kayak gimana ya hatinya beliau, beliau itu udah dijamin pasti masuk surga, tapi beliau masih mau nunggu ummatnya pada masuk surga juga, coba! Yang paling merinding waktu Malaikat Maut dateng buat mencabut nyawanya. Kita semua tau kan, orang-orang baik, orang-orang yang taat, pasti meninggalnya tenang, pasti dicabut nyawanya nggak sakit, tapi Rasulullah menahan sakit. Ya Allah, kan kan kaan.. Beliau hatinya cuma putih doang, ga ada itemnya, beliau terlindung dari perbuatan dosa sekecil apa pun. Tapi masih kerasa sakit? Sakit karena sedih dan khawatir akan ummatnya kali ya?

http://thebeautyofislam.tumblr.com

Dan kita semua pasti tau, apa kata-lata terakhir beliau. Begini kira-kira ceritanya, gue ambil dari blog orang lain.

“Jibril, jelaskan apa hakku nanti di hadapan Allah?” Tanya Rasululllah dengan suara yang amat lemah.

“Pintu-pintu langit telah terbuka, para malaikat telah menanti ruhmu. Semua surga terbuka lebar menanti kedatanganmu,” kata Jibril. Tapi itu ternyata tidak membuat Rasulullah lega, matanya masih penuh kecemasan.

“Engkau tidak senang mendengar khabar ini?” Tanya Jibril lagi. “Khabarkan kepadaku bagaimana nasib umatku kelak?” “Jangan khawatir, wahai Rasul Allah, aku pernah mendengar Allah berfirman kepadaku: ‘Kuharamkan surga bagi siapa saja, kecuali umat Muhammad telah berada di dalamnya,” kata Jibril.

Detik-detik semakin dekat, saatnya Izrail melakukan tugas. Perlahan ruh Rasulullah ditarik. Nampak seluruh tubuh Rasulullah bersimbah peluh, urat-urat lehernya menegang.

“Jibril, betapa sakit sakaratul maut ini.” Perlahan Rasulullah mengaduh.

Mata Fatimah terpejam, Ali yang berada di sampingnya menunduk semakin dalam dan Jibril memalingkan muka.

“Jijikkah kau melihatku, hingga kau palingkan wajahmu Jibril?” Tanya Rasulullah pada Malaikat pengantar wahyu itu.

“Siapakah yang sanggup, melihat kekasih Allah direnggut ajal,” kata Jibril.

Sebentar kemudian terdengar Rasulullah mengaduh, karena sakit yang tidak tertahankan lagi. “Ya Allah, dahsyat nian maut ini, timpakan saja semua siksa maut ini kepadaku, jangan pada umatku.”

Badan Rasulullah mulai dingin, kaki dan dadanya sudah tidak bergerak lagi. Bibirnya bergetar seakan hendak membisikkan sesuatu, Ali segera mendekatkan telinganya.
“Uushiikum bis-shalaati, wa maa malakat aimaanukum – peliharalah shalat dan peliharalah orang-orang lemah di antaramu.”

Di luar pintu, tangis mulai terdengar bersahutan, sahabat saling berpelukan.
Fatimah menutupkan tangan di wajahnya, dan Ali kembali mendekatkan telinganya ke bibir Rasulullah yang mulai kebiruan.
“Ummatii, ummatii, ummatiii!” – “Umatku, umatku, umatku”

Gue merasa belum cukup mengenal beliau, manusia paling mulia yang pernah ada di muka bumi. Idola utama gue yang gue selalu tulis dari kecil di diary-diary biodata temen-temen waktu jamannya suka tuker-tukeran diary buat diisi biodata. Manusia paling pantas di hormati, pemimpin paling berwibawa dan paling sempurna yang langsung diutus sama Allah SWT dan dicintai sepenuhnya oleh yang dipimpinnya. Kalo ditanya siapa idola gue, yang pertama gue tulis atau jawab pasti beliau, tapi gue sendiri belum bener-bener mengenal beliau, buku-buku tentang cerita Nabi dan Rasul dari jaman TK, sampe novel-novel, sampe biografi-biografi, kayaknya belum semua gue baca, dan kayaknya ga ada abis-abisnya dibaca.

Rasanya malu, kalo gue ngaku-ngaku beliau idola gue, tapi gue masih suka mengecewakan hatinya, masih suka membuatnya sedih, dan masih suka males untuk mencari tau lebih banyak dan belajar lebih banyak tentang beliau. Astaghfirullah. Padahal kalo soal aktor favorit, atau siapaa gitu, energi stalkingnya luber.

Semoga gue dan kita semua selalu ingat beliau. Seenggaknya, sedikitnya, setiap solat, pasti kita mengirimkan shalawat untuk beliau. :)

It wasn't only just a dream :')

2011-02-08T00:17:00.001+07:00

Waktu Bedah Kampus UI 2007, masih ngimpi di pinggir danau UI, mikir bakal sering ngerjain tugas sore-sore di pinggir danau di bawah pohon, sambil minum es jeruk, hehehe :D

Tahun 2007 lalu, pas gue masih SMA kelas tiga dan masih cuma bisa mimpi masuk Perguruan Tinggi Negeri, masih cuma bisa pegang cita-cita jadi dokter gigi, masih cuma bisa ngayal nanti kerja di klinik-klinik dan Rumah Sakit, masih cuma kagum-kagum sama white coats-nya para dokter, dan masih cuma bisa doa dan ngarep biar bisa lulus SPMB (Seleksi Penerimaan Mahasiswa Baru), atau yang beberapa tahun setelah jaman gue, namanya jadi SNMPTN, atau dulu-dulunya namanya UMPTN, dan lain sebagainya.

Nah, di awal tahun 2007 itu UI ngadain Bedah Kampus, yaa semua orang mungkin tau tentang cukup bergengsinya acara itu buat anak-anak SMA yang pengen masuk perguruan tinggi, dari yang niat masuk UI, masih bingung, atau cuma mau ngeceng (biasa lah anak SMA, hahaha), tapi gue dateng waktu itu demi satu tujuan (cieh..), yaitu dapetin informasi lebih jelas dari informasi cukup jelas yang udah gue dapetin tentang FKG, kandidat terkuat dari pilihan jurusan gue, dan UI, universitas satu-satunya yang mau gue masukin untuk jurusan tersebut (alias ga mau yang lain, hehehe), kalo bisa jadi yang terbaik, kenapa harus jadi yang nomer dua atau seterusnya?

Kalo diinget-inget mungkin saat-saat itu adalah saat dimana gue paling rajin seumur hidup, belajar mati-matian, ikut semua jenis try out di mana aja, gena (gede napsu) ngerjain soal susah gila sampe dapet jawabannya, ambil banyak tambahan di bimbel, pulang malem dari bimbel dan bangun malem buat tahajud dan lanjut belajar lagi sampe pagi, trus sekolah, tidur di kelas, dan ngaburnya pun ke bimbel. Waktu itu gue mikirnya, kalo gue ga masuk ke perguruan tinggi, gue ngulang taun depan, masalahnya kuliah di perguruan tinggi swasta (yang FKG) mahalnya suka bikin sakit jiwa, lagian waktu itu gue pengen masuk jurusan yang mana gue ga perlu repot-repot nyari kerja. Yaaa pikiran anak SMA banget lah (tapi gue bangga loh, dulu gue mikirnya sangat maju ke depan, udah nyusun rencana masa depan sejak saat itu, sejak nentuin pilihan kuliah, hehehe). Udah gitu gue selalu mikir untuk dapet yang terbaik, honestly, in my whole life, I never got number 2, I always got number 1, ga dalam arti tersurat sih, dalam banyak hal, gue terbiasa untuk usaha sampe mati, trus gue nikmatin hasilnya dengan 'firasat' udah tau bakal berhasil. Songong ye? Tapi itu yang bikin semangat gue bisa menggebu-gebu (saat itu, wekekek).

And last January 7th, me and my friends in FKG UI were declared graduated from pre-clinic stage, and got bachelor degree in dentistry science after our names. What a journey! Kalo diinget-inget gimana deg-degannya nunggu pengumuman SPMB di internet rumah yang masih pake dial-up connection jadul, Ibu yang lagi pergi pengajian, Papa yang sok cool pas ngidupin komputer, dan gue yang sok santai padahal ketar ketir. Tapi jujur waktu itu gue ngerasa peluang lulus gue besar banget, dan alhamdulillah-nya, beneran aja lulus, yang kasih tau waktu itu sahabat gue lewat telepon kalo dia udah liat nomer peserta gue dan masuk di kode FKG UI. Aaaaah rasanya super banget!

Left: I can't find the 2007 photo of me standing there, this is the 2007 photo of Gedung Rektorat without me, Right: Me, last February 2nd 2011, wearing Toga, after graduation rehearsal. :D

Dan sekarang, gue udah masuk klinik, udah wisuda, udah dapet gelar Sarjana Kedokteran Gigi, alhamdulillah perjalanan gue ternyata diridhoi Allah SWT, hingga gue sampe di titik ini, gue di kasih satu langkah (besar) lebih dekat dengan gelar dokter gigi, dari yang tadinya cuma punya cita-cita dan ngarep doang. Walaupun di kampus sekarang, semua rasanya orang hebat-hebat, pinter-pinter, canggih-canggih, rajin-rajin, dan gue? Jadi lah anak paling santai sejagat raya, hahaha. Salah sih (jangan diikutin ya, adik-adik), tapi gue tetep bisa survive lah alhamdulillah :D

Walaupun banyak yang bilang (dan gue pun megakui) bahwa wisuda gue kemaren cuma wisuda semu, soalnya ga bener-bener pisah sama temen-temen, tetep ngampus (koass), bahkan lebih sibuk dan riweh. Tapi bagi gue, momen-momen wisuda, pake kebaya, rapih cantik, didatengin sama orang tua yang sangat bangga nganterin anaknya ke balairung UI buat wisuda, foto bareng temen-temen, foto bareng orang tua yang tanpa mereka gue ga bakal bisa jadi kayak sekarang, dan foto bareng gedung rektorat yang konon bergengsi buat jadi background foto di UI (menurut gue sih biasa aja, tapi orang-orang pada foto, gue juga harus dong! Hahaa), itu hal yang cukup esensial dan perlu dilakuin. :)

Alhamdulillah pokoknya, it wasn't only just a dream, dengan rahmat-Nya, dengan doa papa sama ibu, berkat dukungan dan semangat dari temen-temen dan kakak adik, jadi lah Rahmi Aulina, SKG. Berat juga sih beban sarjana, soalnya gue serasa masih anak kecil yang masih main-main mulu otaknya, tapi insya Allah pelan-pelan bisa ngubah sikap jadi yang seharusnya dan yang sebaiknya. Amin :)

I Envy Happy Endings

2011-02-04T18:27:00.001+07:00

Happy Ending in South Halmahera :D, photo credit by bang heri.

Through movies, sinetron, music video clips, or even others' story, we often found happy endings. I usually think that those happy endings are only happened in movies, or some things like those. In real life, there's no such happy ending.

A guy would swim the ocean just to propose his girl, or a rich man would fight for his maid girlfriend, or a-not-so-beautiful girl had a popular guy falling in love with her and would do anything for her happiness, a lost kid finally found his new family who loved him just the way he was. A guy who's unintellectual in cooking could met an amazing rat who can cook luxurious and tasty foods and ended up he became a great chef and had a beautiful girlfriend, a broken friendship saved by the love between them and they become lovers. etc, etc, etc...

You know? In my own story, I haven't experienced having a happy ending, I mean such happy ending like those I mentioned in the previous paragraph, those are almost impossible kinds of happy ending. Okay, it's not the end, they say. But what else could I name it if it feels like the end? At least, the end with a particular thing or person (and of course the world will go round again and another story begins). Isn't it called an end when you don't even have a single contact anymore with a particular person or thing? Everything's changed between you and him/her. You don't even know how to make things feel right again. They have changed a lot and you become unfamiliar with them. And then you've finally known that they have found someone else, and they don't need you, they don't want you anymore (in their life). It's sad, but it just happened. It just happened. What more could you do? No, you don't even know.

Honestly, I envy those who finally found their happy ending in one of their life story. But then again, I look at myself, I have my own happy endings. For example, my study in dentistry, I finally got the bachelor degree title after my name. But everyone got that, huh?

What about messed-up endings? I have a story to tell you. I thought this could be a happy ending of mine, but I was wrong, it ended messed up. I think there's no need to talk about this messed-up ending, hehehe. But who would experience losing? Who would experience a messed-up ending? Who would have someone used to be so close with you walk out of your life and never notice that you're still alive?? Who would like to hear a story about a poor girl, whose job is as a maid and never got her boss falling in love with her and she ended up forever alone? Who would like to watch movie about a guy who didn't have any intelectuals in anything, ended up no one likes him and he become forever alone and suffered? No one would. So, I envy happy endings. Clear enough to explain why. :D

But my friends say, everything will be okay in the end, so when it's not okay, it's not the end. There are still "to be continued"s if it feels not okay. Everything will be amazing in time. In this term, I haven't ended my story, it's 'to be continued', they say.

Well said, I just stated that I envy happy endings, almost impossible kinds of happy endings. Hehehe, Who don't envy?? Everyone wants to have beautiful endings of their stories. But I won't wait, I think I'd better leave them flowing :D.

I just envy. Is it okay? I envy. Okay? :D

Why I Write

2011-01-23T21:08:00.005+07:00

writing in a small coffee stall. (I don't drink coffee, anyway! Lol)

Maybe most of great writers don't explain why they write, or they may not tell anyone the reason why they choose writing as their another way of talking. But here I'm not gonna tell you that I'm a writer, I may be not a writer, not a good one, but I find writing has been my way of talking without being interrupted or as a way of letting anyone knows what I feel without having to tell them.

I have been a person without a good capability of talking if that something is serious, I mostly find it hard to say things related to my feelings. I've been growing to be a fussy kid with too many jokes, and laughs. I grew up by building so many dreams. I may often appear as a person without seriousness or uncontrolled jokes. And in the other hand, I may also appear as a gloomy kid with unfriendly face and rare smiles. Sometimes the people around me, judge, they tell me things they think they know, they tell me things they see in me physically. Well, they could also judge me through what I posted or wrote (Geez! Even sometimes people can write fake things!). That's the reason why I have things in mind I feel I need to write.

I've been writing since I was in elementary school, I wrote about things, short story about kids life, plays, 'cinta monyet', or anything. I wrote in the back side of my school book, and when it got to be a long story, it'd meet my school work in the middle of the book. I've been writing about teenagers in America when I was in junior high. I wrote a four-sided story with my junior high mates, we bought a book and wrote a story together in it. I wrote diaries since in elementary school (but now I quit writing in diaries). I write, I'm writing, and I'll write.

I write because I want to remember and because words hold more truth than memories sometimes. I write because I'm afraid of forgetting and being forgotten. I write because if one day I'm getting older and my hands get wrinkled and weak, atleast I still have my eyes to read. I write to remind myself that I once have had an idea to be written. I write because people always leave, the only thing remain may be just a single memory (when we always know that memory remains the same even when the person who owns it changed a lot). I write to let myself understand that not all things in this world can be explained by words said. I write because it hurts to love someone but we can't tell them what we really feel, because sometimes we get hurt without them knowing, we get jealous even if we don't have right to feel it. I write because they won't try to understand what we really feel but at the same time, these writing tools always let me 'talk' to them unstoppably.

Even when I find it hard to compile words to pray to Him, I write.

And when people keep asking why I post blogs, and let the world read, I keep answering that everything I post in media, won't assure you that those are the way I really feel. That doesn't mean I'm not honest, but don't worry, I have boundaries about which one is private and which one isn't. In fact, there live many people in this world who have the same feeling as mine, it's such a fun thing to share, for me.

So guys, I'm fine! :)

Clarification.

2011-01-17T23:25:00.000+07:00

Okay I feel little bit sorry about my previous post on this blog. I said it's okay cause our parents won't let us expelled from college or be failed. They still want us to be dentist, they sent us to this university with expectation of their children to get good education. Sooo, when they have to pay some money in order to facilitate us, they don't hesitate, yea, most of them may find it hard to pay those money. But back to their expectations, they will do it for their children.

But, if I realize that what our parents have been hoping about us (by releasing their money or trying to loan money from wherever, or spending their savings for their old times, or whatsoever), feel like unclear, I feel sorry for posting my previous post. I know my parents will do everything, but I'll feel sad knowing they haven't got the clear purpose of the money they'll release.

God, please make it easy for us. We don't wanna grow to be money-oriented or 'balik modal'-oriented dentists. Amin.

Parents' Rule: Tiap Anak Ada Rejekinya

2011-01-15T06:49:00.003+07:00

Pertengahan Desember lalu, gue chat sama temen gue yang lagi mau ambil S2 di Magister Manajemen UI, dia lagi agak-agak pusing dengan hasil tes masuknya, tiba-tiba ragu-ragu mau masuk apa enggak, mengingat biaya yang dipake buat masuk MM UI ga murah, dan masuknya pun susah, dia mulai ragu dengan tujuannya sendiri mau masuk MM UI, mana waktu itu bapaknya lagi ribet sama keuangan, adeknya juga kuliah dengan biaya yang nggak sedikit, yah galau lah dia waktu itu gara-gara mikirin masa depan, lanjut dengan niatnya masuk MM UI, apa banting stir kerja, usaha apa aja, jadi wiraswasta kek, apa kek.

Sampe akhirnya gue masuk (lagi) ke "adegan" dimana gue seperti berada di posisi dia saat itu. Tapi yang ini kejadiannya lebih detil: Dekanat kampus gue bikin pertemuan orang tua mahasiswa dan ngasih tau pemberlakuan biaya masuk program profesi dokter gigi gue (Dana Pengembangan/DP) yang tadinya ga ada, yang di angkatan-angkatan sebelum gue ga pernah ada, bahkan hanya disuruh melanjutkan SPP per semester seperti biasa. Dan biayanya "ga biasa" buat sebuah Perguruan Tinggi Negeri. Dan yang paling bikin kaget, pemberitahuannya sangat mendadak, di saat gue dan temen-temen gue mulai pusing dengan biaya-biaya lain, biaya sneli dokter, biaya wisuda sarjana, biaya alat-alat, belom lagi biaya pasien. Pertemuan itu akhirnya rame sama gue dan temen-temen gue yang mau liat langsung prosesnya, mau ambil andil, dan mau ngajuin protes atau sekedar suara untuk mempertanyakan transparansi dana tersebut. Dalam sekejap timeline Twitter berubah rame dengan hashtag #FKGUI07 tentang masalah ini. Senior-senior klinik, senior-senior dokter gigi, dan adek-adek kelas mulai respon dan gue bisa bilang ga ada satu pun dari mereka yang setuju sama kebijakan baru yang sepertinya ga bijak ini.

Mungkin mereka ga lupa, kami ini bukan anak kecil, kami mahasiswa, pikiran kami udah secara otomatis terlatih dan terasah untuk bekerja kritis. Kami udah belajar untuk ga gitu aja nerima dan percaya sebelum dapet bukti dan sebelum usaha (secara kita belajar pake sistem PBL/Prolem Based Learning, men!), karena mereka kayaknya siap dengan semua sanggahan gue dan temen-temen gue waktu itu.

Oke, gue mungkin sampe sini aja ngebahas soal gimana peliknya masalah ini, gue mau cerita tentang orang tua gue. Abis keluar ruang pertemuan orang tua dan dekanat itu, semua orang tua ketemu sama anak-anaknya yang nunggu di ruang sebelahnya, gue perhatiin aja satu-satu. Anak-anak yang baru ketemu orang tuanya pada ngedumel, pada kesel, ada yang netesin air mata karena emosi. Tapi, orang tuanya ga ada sama sekali yang nunjukin kecewa, kesel, marah, atau muka putus asa karena takut ga bisa biayain anaknya lanjutin koass. Begitu juga orang tua gue, Papa sama Ibu, biasa aja gitu, kayak abis rapat orang tua yang ngasih tau bahwa gue lulus dengan nilai baik dan boleh lanjut ke tingkat lebih tinggi. Biasa aja. Padahal gue udah mau nyerocos soal ke-nggak-setuju-an gue tentang kebijakan itu. Di jalan pulang, Papa bilang "udah kamu tidur aja, biar nanti malem bisa belajar buat masuk klinik", trus lanjut konsen nyetir sambil denger musik, sambil ngobrol-ngobrol santai sama Ibu.

Gue jadi inget sama chat gue dan temen gue yang mau masuk MM UI, sekarang dia udah lulus masuk MM UI dan udah orientasi, tinggal tunggu masuk kuliahnya aja. Gue waktu itu bilang semangat-semangat aja ke dia. Ingetin tujuan awal dia mau masuk MM UI apa, bilang sama dia kalo tiap orang tua dikasih amanah anak sama Allah buat dijadiin insan yang berguna dan berdedikasi, bahwa orang tua di kasih tanggung jawab buat ngebentuk anak-anaknya jadi berhasil, bahwa orang tua kerja keras buat siapa lagi kalo bukan buat anak-anaknya, tiap anak ada rejekinya. Allah ga gitu aja ngasih anak ke orang tua tanpa rancangan rinci dan jelas tentang masa depannya. Semuanya udah diatur sama Dia. Buat apa kita takut?

Bener, gue beberapa jam lalu ngerasa kayak hampir mau putus kuliah, apa gue nikah aja, sama siapa kek gitu, atau apa gue kerja aja, apa aja, yang penting ga ngerepotin orang tua lagi. Kalo otak gue bener-bener miring dan ga bisa dilurusin lagi, kalo pikiran gue pendek, gue mungkin bakal ngelakuin itu; putus kuliah, toh gue udah sarjana. Tapi gue inget lagi sama chat gue itu. Men, masa gue bisa nasihatin orang, gue ga bisa nasihatin diri gue sendiri. Gue dan temen2 gue pasti sering ngerasa capek dan bosen, rasanya males ngerjain tugas kuliah atau screening calon pasien, tapi bayangin juga kalo bapak ibu kita tiba2 capek, bosen dan males? Abis udah, mau jadi apa, coba? Otak gue masih cukup cerdas lah buat ngambil keputusan yang baik. Orang tua gue juga ga bakal mau gue nyerah, mereka aja ga nyerah buat ngebiayain dan nyemangatin gue biar gue jadi orang yang bener-bener berhasil. Bego kalo gue punya pikiran kayak gitu.

Kenyataannya, biaya-biaya itu emang mahal bagi gue dan temen-temen gue, walaupun mungkin ada di antara kami hidup agak di atas garis pas-pasan. Ya, gue juga idup mepet di garis sih (tapi bukan berarti gampang ngeluarin duit segitu meeen). Tapi pasti ada jalan. Mana ada orang tua mau liat anaknya hopeless. Mereka juga masih mau punya anak sukses. Hehehe. Tinggal gimana gue dan temen-temen gue ini bersyukur dengan keadaan dan tetep ga nyerah, masih banyak usaha yang bisa kita lakuin untuk "menggagalkan kebijakan ini" (hehe), atau setidaknya keringanan, atau setidak-tidak-tidaknya, mendapat kepastian dan transparansi dana yang kita keluarkan. Amin. Dan yang paling penting diantara yang penting, ga pernah nyerah untuk terus kuliah, dapet pendidikan yang layak dan terbaik, karena kita masuk kuliah di sini juga bukan dengan cara yang ga baik, kita usaha pake otak, masa mau nyerah gitu aja kayak nyia-nyiain otak kita. Masa mau ngecewain orang tua lagi. Get a life lah, Ibu juga pernah bilang tiap anak ada rejekinya, udah kewajiban orang tua buat biayain gue dan kakak-adik gue. Kalo gue ga belajar yang bener, berantakan semua harapan mereka. Mau jadi apa gue? Rot in hell? Hell no!

Semangat semua! :)

Hey 2011, Been Longing to See You!

2011-01-10T00:55:00.005+07:00

In yesteryear, I've experienced being sad and happy, being left and be coming, being forgotten and always remember, being mad at, being failed, being succeed, dropping tears of sadness, feeling triumph of happiness, having a broken heart and having great love from surroundings at the same time. I've experienced flying and falling. I've known what it feels to be loved and unloved, to be needed and needing. All those got me learning. I don't say I've changed to be a much better person, but I'm not saying I haven't been anyone better.


Finishing chapters, closing cycles, opening new pages. Sundak Beach, Jogjakarta, January 2011.

For me, resolutions are not always made at the end of the year or the beginning of a new year. They can be made everytime we need to change ourselves, and that's the cause why I've been trying (too) hard to change myself whenever I feel something wrong in me, whenever I feel I've done something bad. I've punished myself for not being a better person in the past or punished myself for being so hard to understand or punished myself for being unloved and forgotten, and also punished myself for being so loose in doing some essential things. I've done those punishments alone and finally found the answer. Yeah, lesson learned from the last 2010 is about accepting. Life is about trying, accepting, and keep moving. Because things pass and the best we can do is to let them go away, and to move on. So that we have to tell ourselves things that have passed will never come back. That's the point of "life goes on".

So in this new year, I am and will do/hope/try/be:

I'm officially graduated from pre-clinic stage in my study and now having a bachelor degree in dentistry science and called Rahmi Aulina, SKG. So it means I'll have my bigger step in my study; clinic stage! So I hope I'll be much more spirited for it since they say clinic is hard to pass. x_x
More mature in each way of thinking and less complaining before proving that I'm not the reason of the problems.
MORE THANKING GOD and praising Him.
More traveling. I know in clinic stage, it's seemed like there's no leisure time, but I'll make it simple, I promise :D
Paying attention to those who love me more than to those who loved by me (because it's like, automatically done. You know, when you love, you'll take a very good care of them)
More appreciating my given health.
To sleep before midnight every day.
Playing musics again (PS: I've been longing to play my fiddle again)
Write more useful and fun things (and start to write my own project)
Stop wondering of how you are. You'll always be okay and fine and happy. I know it.
Fall in love again, with the right one.

So ready or not, I have to be ready to rock this year! I'll make some rooms for new memories and let the past be just memorable history, because the past just doesn't fit to my life anymore :)

Bismillah...

Prologue and Thank you's

2010-12-24T18:15:00.005+07:00

Puji syukur saya panjatkan pada kehadirat Allah SWT atas segala berkah dan rahmat-Nya sehingga akhirnya penelitian ini dapat diselesaikan tepat pada waktunya. Karya ilmiah berupa penelitian ini merupakan salah satu persyaratan untuk memperoleh gelar Sarjana Kedokteran Gigi di Universitas Indonesia.

Saya menyadari masih banyak kekurangan yang terdapat pada penelitian ini, namun di balik itu semua, saya juga mendapat dukungan dan bantuan dari berbagai pihak sehingga kekurangan-kekurangan tersebut dapat teratasi. Oleh karena itu saya mengucapkan banyak terima kasih kepada:

Dr. drg. Yosi Kusuma Eriwati, MSi, selaku dosen pembimbing pertama saya atas segala perhatian dan kesabarannya dalam membimbing dan mendampingi saya selama penelitian ini, meluangkan waktunya untuk memeriksa tulisan demi tulisan yang saya buat, meneliti semua pekerjaan saya, dan memberi semangat yang luar biasa besar setiap selesai diskusi dan bimbingan agar saya dapat menyelesaikan penelitian ini dengan baik.
drg. Siti Triaminingsih, MT, selaku dosen pembimbing kedua saya yang juga memberikan perhatian dan kesabarannya dalam membimbing saya selama penelitian ini, atas waktu-waktu yang diluangkannya untuk memeriksa tulisan-tulisan saya dengan sabar, atas izinnya untuk menggunakan laboratorium, dan juga masukan-masukan yang luar biasa bermanfaat bagi penelitian ini.
drg. Andi Soufyan MKes dan Dr. drg. Harun Atjiek Gunawan, MS sebagai dosen penguji saya yang telah meluangkan waktu untuk membaca karya ilmiah saya dan juga memberikan masukan-masukan dalam rangka penyempurnaan penelitian ini.
Ibu Fauziah dari Departemen Farmasi Kedokteran FK UI untuk bantuan serta bimbingannya dalam proses pembuatan ekstrak teh hijau hingga menjadi mouthwash untuk penelitian ini.
Segenap staff pengajar di Departemen Ilmu Material Kedokteran Gigi FKG UI yang juga memberikan semangat, dukungan, dan rasa kekeluargaan yang nyaman bagi saya sehingga saya akhirnya dapat menyelesaikan penelitian ini dengan baik.
Bapak Iwan dan Mbak Santi dari PD. Fondaco atas bantuan dan kebaikannya dalam meminjamkan alat Vita Easy Shade untuk penelitian ini.
Mbak Maryamah dan Pak Slamet yang selalu stand by setiap kali saya membutuhkan bantuan, atas pengertian dan kesabarannya membuatkan surat-surat yang berhubungan dengan penelitian ini dan atas waktu yang diluangkan untuk menemani dan membantu saya selama bekerja di laboratorium.
Segenap staff Perpustakaan FKG UI yang selalu siap membantu dalam pencarian buku-buku dan jurnal referensi penelitian ini dan menunggu sampai saya selesai menulis di perpustakaan.
Papa, Aulia Rang Agam, dan Ibu, Meira Jenny sebagai kedua orang tua saya yang tak pernah henti memberikan semangat lahir dan batin bagi saya, yang doa-doanya selalu menguatkan saya, yang segala perhatian dan kasih sayangnya tak pernah dapat saya bayar dengan apa pun, yang prjuangan dan pengorbanannya selalu membuat saya malu untuk menyentuh kata menyerah dan memicu semangat saya untuk dapat berhasil dan membuat mereka bangga dan bahahgia.
Kakak saya, Dany Auliansyah, dan adik saya, Rany Aulianty atas doa dan semangatnya selama ini, atas persaudaran yang luar biasa menyenangkan dan hangat, atas canda tawa, bahkan pertengkaran yang membawa kita semakin dekat, atas kekompakan dan juga rasa bangga yang saya dapatkan karena memiliki kalian sebagai saudara kandung saya.
Seluruh rekan-rekan yang juga bersama-sama saya dalam penelitian di Departemen Ilmu Material Kedokteran Gigi, Putu, Dena, Apsari, Fairuz, Ari, Katherine, Fero, Dara, Mandy, Endang, Dina, dan Ela atas kerjasama dan keseruannya selama bekerja di laboratorium dan di mana saja sehingga semua beban terasa lebih ringan. Juga untuk teman satu tim saya dalam penelitian ini, Dhee dan Ika atas kebersamaannya selam penelitian, atas semangat yang tak pernah putus, dan atas bantuannya dalam merealisasikan penelitian kita ini.
Seluruh sahabat-sahabat saya, Dewi, Linda, Herlis, Nia, Sita, Rizu, Risty, Ika, Dina, Endang, Orri, yang selalu ada setiap saya membutuhkan semangat dan bantuan, untuk kemampuan SPSS, cara penulisan, dan termasuk sharing masalah apa pun yang sedang saya hadapi, untuk pengertiannya atas kekurangan-kekurangan saya dan untuk keceriaan dan tawa setiap hari yang meringankan beban pikiran.
Teman-teman BPI FKG UI yang telah bersama saya selama tiga tahun, atas semangat dan canda tawanya, atas doa dan ukhuwahnya.
Seluruh keluarga FKG UI 2007 yang tak pernah henti meneriakkan semangat untuk satu sama lain walaupun masing-masing sedang dalam keadaan sibuk, yang selalu mengirimkan doa-doa untuk kesuksesan satu sama lain, yang meluagkan waktu untuk datang dan memberi semangat saat sidang dan ujian, dan juga untuk kekompakannya selam 3,5 tahun ini.
Dia yang kadang membuat saya kesal dan sebal, yang karena itu kadang saya seperti ingin melemparnya dari kereta express yang sedang melaju, atau mendorongnya jatuh dari atas menara BCA Thamrin, yang kemudian karena itu pula saya mungkin mencelakai atau membunuh diri saya sendiri untuk menyelamatkan dia sebelum dia terluka sedikit pun. Dia yang pernah menjadi yang terbaik dan pernah memberi semangat luar biasa, yang pernah menemani saya mengerjakan tugas kuliah sampai malam dengan lelucon-lelucon, yang pernah mendoakan saya, yang pernah membutuhkan saya, dan yang pernah membuat saya tertawa bahagia. Yang pernah dan sudah tidak lagi.
Arti, Farah, Chandradewi, Fifi, Wiwid, Sandrina, untuk waktu dan kesabarannya mendengar keluh kesah saya, untuk semangat dan doanya, untuk persahabatan yang telah terjalin selama hampir tujuh tahun ini.

Akhir kata saya berdoa agar Allah SWT membalas segala kebaikan dan memberi rahmat dan berkah-Nya untuk orang-orang yang telah memberikanbanyak pengaruh bagi saya selama penelitian ini. Amin.

Jakarta, 22 Desember 2010

Rahmi Aulina       

PS: This post was edited here and there. This is the real prologue I wrote. But the prologue I printed was a bit different than this one. xD and I post it on blog because I think it's a cool idea, since the people I mentioned were those who meant so much in 2010 (or even before 2010). Let's just take it as my thanks to them for being my best in 2010, too.

Business might kill, but my birthday still went on!

2010-12-21T23:18:00.004+07:00

It was more than a month ago, November 15th, me and my friends were in the stage of a very busy hurry time, and I, was almost stressed out by the error datas I got from my research. It was like I have to remake the research from zero. Like hell, I was like going to cry all day. Until stupid thought came to mind "is it my last birthday on earth?? Feel like gonna dieeee!". *Astaghfirullah*

That day went just like the other days, with more business and hurry here and there. I was sitting in the library and trying to do something with my datas. I don't know maybe I looked like contemplating on something really serious. Even though my friends and seniors one by one came to say hi and happy birthday and gave me little hugs or kisses, my mind was stuck in front of the notebook, looking for how to solve that problem. Geez! You can say I almost forgot that day was my birthday! Look, how could a birthday girl crying in her day because true sadness's and failures?? Well, let's say, I was having such a huge problem relating to my heart and it was worsened by this research thingy. I cried almost all day since the beginning of November. See how November began so unwelcome to me?? So I couldn't hope anything on my 21st birthday later on. I was just wondering if someone would be coming back in my birthday as a cool yet simple present. But still it was left just a dream. (Well, we don't have to be too concern with this one I think). The thing was, I was on the lowest part and felt so limp and tired. I really wanted to go home soon!

When I tried to get home with Ika (who was patientfully saying that she's gonna go home soon, too), Ika said that we'd have Risty, Herlis, Endang, and Dewi in the car. They're going to look for some "ajojing" time, yeaa, some kinda refreshing. Well, I really didn't expect anything but got home immediately. "Ok, as long as we're getting home, let's just go", I said. I was too tired and sad (I write this for the 2nd time, hehe). But then again, when we got Istana Negara, Ika turned to Monas and Jl. Thamrin, still I didn't realize what happened. All I think was my other friends were going to go to Plaza Indonesia, and so, maybe Ika was just willing to drop them by (fyi, that way was never be our choice to go home). But then again, Ika turned to Sarinah (and I still guessed my friends had just changed their plans to Sarinah), well okay. But (another 'but') then again, Ika parked the car (AND STILL I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HAPPENED). Dewi and Endang got out from the car and dissapeared like the wizards in Harry Potter, and the rest of my friends and Ika said "Sebentar ya, ada yang mau gue cari". And sooo, I followed them. I didn't know what was happening. We got into the elevator and arrived at a place for singing alooong: Karaokeee! Soon when I got into the room, there were Dina, Linda, Nia, Rizu, Sita, Endang, Dewi, Herlis, Ika, Risty sang: "Happy Birthday to youuu" and gave me many things, from hugs to kisses, from gifts to posters, from cards to CD's, from that karaoke room to Whoopper Burger King which were my desires after all those busy and stressed days. I was like gonna be crying. To be frank, it felt like: "God, I still have them in my life! Why do I worry about one or two??"

All was sudden, I couldn't think logically at first, I really didn't expect anything. I was just putting concern on my own problems lately, being too silent every day, looked miserable, looked like had no options in life, looked like too much broken, keeping a bunch of sadness's inside my chest. I just remembered Linda said to me through YM four days before my birthday:

L: if that's alright with you then that'd be alright with me, perlu gw telp? in case you need somebody to talk to :)
A: ga dulu deh lin, makasih :)
L: okay then :)
L: just let me know if you need me, okay?
A: siippss
L: can I tell you something, sayang?
A: yes, please?
L: you should know..that the person you are right now..is not the person you want to be :)
L: you know that, ami my dear :)
A: so do you think what i want to be??
L: I used to know my cheerful friend, a loving one, a wise one
L: a person that always keep me from anger :)
L: you used to keep me from that, and now it is my turn to do that for you, mii
L: but you have to let me..you have to listen to me,
A: okay i let you
L: alhamdulillah..:)

And on and on, I thanked Allah for giving me this blessed life, loving and caring friends and family (which had another surprise for me after I finally got home). Like heaven on earth. Ever since that time, I could conclude that atleast if we can't be happy for ourselves, or we haven't found a way to solve our problems, or we haven't been able to go on hardships, atleast be happy for those who love us. I bet they're dying wanting to see us happy, no matter how hard they should try. They really do feel sad when they're failed to draw a smile on our faces (because I feel so, too). Whatever burdening your head and heart, believe in what Allah has planned, it's what I always put in mind. Again, love happens when you least expect, see? I got love from those who really do, when I forgot how to wish, when I almost felt like never know how it feels to have expectations. And I was totally happy for having that beautiful day. My 21st birthday. Thankyouuuuu :*

For funny, cool, amazing, touchy, and happy moments, like these:

PS: Regardless 'the idea' of Sita and the rest of you for the great surprise on my birthday, I still thank Allah for all your kindness's and loveess. Aaaaa *HUGS*

For good, indeed ;)

2010-12-05T20:03:00.006+07:00

This may be a stage of life, to be happy, you must do something that make you happy, to feel better you have to do something that make you feel better, nothing can make good things without investing efforts. No good thing happens without trying, and one of things I'm learning on is good thing happen with sacrifices. In life, we sometimes have to give away things or ones we love to get happiness, or sometimes we need to let go of things or ones we love to come through new phase of life, because life itself, goes on.

Well what I'm trying to share is something simple. Two days ago, I went home from campus in the afternoon when the traffic flooded Jakarta more than the other days. Yes it was friday afternoon, almost weekend, and all the people in Jakarta tried to go on relaxing weekend after the super busy weekdays, they came home immediately or off to some hang out places just to refresh their tired minds. It's okay then, and I, as usual, tried to get home soon, I still had so many things to do at home (yea, those research thingy,-red). I got into a non-AC bus flooding with people. If I wasn't in a hurry, I'd wait for another bus turn, a better one, with air conditioner and not-so-flooding with people. But then I got into that bus, stood among those tired people, sweaty, and danky. It's sooo public transportation, you know. It's an usual view in Jakarta and I'm enjoying it. Seeing new people, yeah, such heterogenity in life, I could say. There're people busy with music through headphones, others busy with their phones, others enjoying sleep even they're standing! Amazing, huh? And one thing took my attention that time was a crying baby with her mother sat in the front seat.

I forgot how it feels to be a baby but I simply understood why she's crying, she's tired, or hungry or suffered from the heat and danky temperature. It's common for a baby. She wouldn't stop from crying and the mother got angry. I was surprised by her mother's shout! My God, how come a mother angry a little baby like her?? It's sad and soon the people in the bus stared at her, simply because they're surprised just like me. An old woman sat three seats behind this young mother then asked her to sit near her. This old woman then stood and let this young mother sat in her seat with the husband. Still, that baby cried and got angry by her mother, you know? Even her husband couldn't calm her down! Terrible, though. Worse, this young mother also angry with her husband for not being quickly helped her. I kept on looking on this small family, I tried to say "hey you guys, this baby girl might just feel tired or hungry, she's only a baby!" Aaaaa, how could they have a baby without knowing it?? But then the old woman patiently advised this young mother. Still, she's angry and her baby kept crying.

I've told the old woman to check whether that baby girl was fever or not, but she's fine. She's just hungry, I thought. Why didn't this young mother feed her?? I couldn't stand for this view, I was sad and almost dropped my tears. Really! I just feel like.. Omg, what has happened to this baby girl days before if she had a mother like this?? Kinda child abuse or what?? (bad imagination began to fly around my head!) Eerrgh... Should I lend a hand on this baby girl and showed that young mother how to handle a crying baby and stop shouting at this sinless little human?? But in the end I took out a Japanese hand fan from my best friend. The only hand fan I had in my bag that time. I gave it to the husband in order to make the baby felt better. Yet, that baby girl got calmer. See? Patience was needed. I exhaled finally (and so all people in that bus, I think). I was so tired and finally felt asleep.

I felt so sadly sorry for giving the fan to that man (the husband). At one hand, I really felt so sad seeing how terrible the young mother at handling her baby, but at the other hand, that fan was given by my best friend from Japan last August and that fan was cute, sooo Japanese and I loved it, indeed. But how could I ask it back? :( Maybe I just have to release it, simply for good. Really for good.

I told my mother and father about what has happened in the bus yesterday, I didn't know, I just feel sorry for not keeping that fan. Simple, but I just feel like.. 'did I do wrong?'. They said it's a good thing I did. "You may love something, and you may keep it for you, but what happen then if it's better off not being kept by you? What if it could make good things if it's not in your hand?", Papa said. "Sometimes we just have to release things we like, we love, to make a better happiness, it must be a very good lesson for you, and your best friend surely will understand it, she's a good girl, so is you", Ibu said. Well, then I stood and tried to understand. It's a phase of living. Simple thing happened in my life and got me learning.

Yeah, lately I've been learning on accepting, releasing, letting go, dealing with unanswered questions, and so on and so on and so on. I should say it's a veeerrryyyyy hard thing to learn. But it's just a phase of life, indeed. We release, we let go, may not because we're giving in, but we have another storm to pass in the next phase, huh?

PS: this is for my best friend Dina, I hope you'd understand, dear. Maybe I can never pay it in return, but I still keep good memories of you in every times and I still remember every good things you did with/for me, they're just too memorable to let go, and I don't have to release them for others. They're totally mine :). Goodluck for the final presentation (read: sidang) tomorrow! You can when you believe you can, my dear!

Memories like when we did charity project in a small village....

Like when we spend time having fun between that freakin' research..

Or when we got holidolidaayy! (we deserved some other cool vacations, after all!)

I won't let these things go, they won't need to be released for others, right? :D

Cues to Stop.

2010-11-11T03:05:00.011+07:00

Gue pernah jadi orang yang mungkin sangat egois dan kekanak-kanakan, mungkin gue sangat seperti anak kecil dan punya sikap luar biasa membingungkan. Gue pernah jadi orang yang terlihat sangat benar, gue pernah jadi orang yang luar biasa sabar dan baik tanpa sadar bahwa gue mungkin ada jauh 180 derajat bedanya dari semua itu. I've been in that position. Until I realized I've lost someone to whom I put my attention the most, whom I care for the most. ~~Someone I might fell in love with~~.

Anggep aja ini adalah privilege gue sebagai seorang blogger yang cuma punya kata-kata untuk ditulis, bukan untuk diomongin dan anggep aja gue menulis ini karena gue pengen me-review apa aja yang udah terjadi sampe saat ini, waktu gue akhirnya mikir bahwa kehilangan yang gue rasa mungkin emang harus terjadi. Dan gue pantes mendapatkannya.

Sebut aja gue (pernah) punya seseorang yang cukup deket sama gue, gue suka banget cerita apa aja sama dia, ngobrol dari yang penting, ga penting, sampe cuma becanda atau sekedar lewat. You know? That comfy feeling just easily came and.... then maybe easily go (for him, not me). Gue sangat menikmati keadaan dimana orang lain merasa nyaman dengan gue, dengan berada di dekat gue, dengan mempercayakan gue untuk jadi tempat ceritanya, dan menjadikan gue sebagai tempat "membuang sampah" dan menjadikan gue tempat untuk nyari bahan ketawaan. For sure, I was happy and I enjoyed being useful very much. Sampe akhirnya gue beberapa kali, dengan sikap kekanak-kanakan yang gue miliki, I pushed him away. Awaaay, karena gue takut suatu hari nanti pas dia udah bebas dari semua rasa sedihnya, gue akan ditinggalin, dilupain, dan dibiarin sendiri dalam keadaan wondering, kenapa dia bisa melakukan ini terhadap gue. I was so stupid at that very moment. Padahal, semua ketakutan itu ga patut gue rasakan karena itu sebenernya mungkin aja ga akan terjadi. Temen gue pernah bilang "buat apa sih kamu mengkhawatirkan sesuatu yang belum tentu terjadi? Kenapa kamu nggak menjalani aja yang ada sekarang?".

Let me tell you who he is first. Gue mungkin bukan orang yang pintar menilai dan mungkin juga bukan orang yang baik dalam memiliki pandangan, tapi waktu singkat yang gue miliki dan pernah gue abisin bareng-bareng sama dia bisa bikin gue merasa cukup untuk ngasih penilaian. No other words except "baik". Iya, ga ada kata lain, sekalipun gue beberapa kali menakutkan hal yang sama, takut suatu hari gue dilupain dan ditinggalin, gue men-state dia jahat. To be frank, gue-lah si jahat yang membuat paradigma (bahwa dia ga baik) itu ada.

Dan sekarang mungkin gue lagi dapetin suatu pelajaran berharga dari semua hal yang udah terjadi ini. I regret I pushed him away, tau kalimat "you don't know what you got til it's gone"? Dan sekarang lah gue mengalami itu. Sampe gue ngerasa bener-bener total loss. I fall into a deep sadness waktu akhirnya gue inget-inget lagi banyak banget hal yang berubah, gue mungkin ga ngerasa perubahan itu seiring berjalannya waktu, but once I look behind, everything's changed! Then I'm here sitting alone trying to find out why do those changes happened. Dan jawabannya balik lagi ke gue. Ternyata gue yang bikin semua perasaan nyaman yang ada itu ilang dan pergi ninggalin gue sendiri. Trus gue sampe di titik dimana gue ngerasa sangat kehilangan. It's my loss and I did feel regret all the time. Waktu akhirnya dia udah ga ada di deket gue lagi, waktu akhirnya gue ngerasa ga ada lagi kenyamanan di diri gue sendiri dan waktu akhirnya gue ngerti semua itu salah gue yang dengan jahatnya membuat dia merasa jahat.

If I may be honest, I broke my own heart by deciding to leave without further thinking until I found he's moved on from his past and probably found love in someone new and I wasn't there. I totally wasn't there. Karena gue udah pergi duluan, I left first while I was in a very miserable sob. Itu sebuah kebodohan tingkat dewa karena gue pergi ninggalin orang yang sebenernya gue yang butuh, anggep aja begitu. Dan pas gue liat lagi kebelakang, gue ngerti, pantes aja gue begini sekarang, ya karena gue bukan orang yang (gue kira) selalu ada, selalu bisa stand by membantu setiap saat, orang yang selalu sabar mendengar semua keluh kesahnya, dan jadi orang pertama yang bisa bikin ketawa itu adalagi setelah sedih-sedih. Gue kembali jadi orang yang jatuh dan ngerasain sakit karena gue ngerti akhirnya, I was no more a comfortable place to run to.

Let's say his smiles are no longer for me, yeaa.. emang buat siapa aja, but back again with the phrase "let's say" his smile is because of someone else. I even no more be a good reason to smile! It hurts. And then I became sober, I lost my logic, I cried so many times, I regreted a lot more and I felt disappointed and looked so miserable. Gue bahkan BARU sadar gue yang menyebabkan ini terjadi. I kept my mouth so silently, I tried so damn hard to think logically and find out WHY this all happened. It's not that I didn't see the facts, it's not that I didn't know, I saw and I knew! Apa yang sedang terjadi sekarang, gue tau dan gue liat dan gue sadar. Gue mungkin harus jujur ini sakit rasanya, being left behind, being forgotten. Sampe gue bertanya 'kenapa' berkali-kali sama diri gue sendiri, until I see it clearly with my eyes, he's changed and moved on. And it's not a good idea to ask the why's, because still I can't forgive myself for making this happened. Mungkin semua salah yang gue akuin akhirnya termaafkan, tapi siapa yang bisa menjamin semuanya bakal bisa kembali seperti semula??

See, gue ga jahat untuk berharap semua bisa balik lagi kayak dulu, waktu dia merasa sangat nyaman dengan gue (tapi, dia belum move on dari semua hal yang bikin dia sedih). I'd choose this one, ketika dia (mungkin) udah bener-bener move on dan menemukan sesuatu yang baru. He's happy and for that reason I should be happy too, even if it's finally without me. Maybe I deserve this. Gue harusnya bersyukur dan bahagia karena akhirnya dia bisa sendiri, karena (menurut pandangan gue sekarang) dia akhirnya bisa ketawa-ketawa lagi, ceria lagi, sibuk-sibuk untuk urusan yang baik lagi. I should be happy for that walaupun itu semua sama sekali bukan karena gue. Dan gue ga lagi menyalahkan keadaan dimana gue sibuk dia lebih sibuk, dia sibuk gue jauh lebih sibuk, gue ga mau menyalahkan sifat ketidak-multitasking-an-nya, hey if I can explain it to you, it's all not about that, I don't wanna blame those killing business, I feel happy as long as I can make you feel that way, because of me. Got it?

Then finally I change my first wish to ask him back. Tadinya di ulangtaun gue yang ke-21 ini gue mau minta dia untuk kembali seperti dulu, gue mau tanya apa masih bisa kayak dulu lagi. I was willing to ask him back, to be my very good 'kanda' (let's define it with that word) again. Tapi gue mengurungkan niat itu karena gue sadar beberapa harapan emang ada untuk tidak dikabulkan, dan ga semua keinginan harus diturutin. Gue ga bilang semuanya ga bisa balik lagi kayak dulu, tapi gue sadar gue masih dalam proses belajar untuk menjadi seorang yang lebih dewasa dan mandiri, dan gue ga mau dalam perjalanan panjang gue untuk berubah, gue mengecewakan diri gue sendiri lagi, dan akhirnya 'kanda' ini pergi lagi karena gue melakukan hal yang sama lagi. I'd choose to be just like now.

Mungkin gue orang yang sangat detil dan susah lupa akan beberapa hal yang bagi gue berarti banget. Dan mungkin ada beberapa hal yang meskipun gue udah bicarain, tapi belum juga bisa gue sampein, mungkin ada hal-hal yang gue simpen sendiri dan ga bisa gue keluarin sekalipun gue udah meluangkan waktu untuk bicara panjang lebar tentang semua yang gue rasain. Tapi semua itu akhirnya bikin gue jadi belajar ngerti bahwa time will tell. One day if he deserves to know it, he will understand.

Gue pernah baca sebuah buku dimana pengarangnya nulis "Tak peduli lewat apa penerimaan, pengertian, dan pemahaman itu datang. Tak masalah meski lewat kejadian yang sedih dan meyakitkan ... Dan kami akan mengerti, kami akan memahami dan kami akan menerima". Dalam proses ini gue berubah jadi orang yang mungkin agak ga dikenali sama beberapa orang-orang terdekat gue, I stop tweeting, less facebook-ing, less checking e-mails, invisible in messenger and keep silent, gue marah, gue sedih, gue kecewa, karena awalnya gue berpikir terlalu cepat, gue menyimpulkan terlalu singkat, I feel pains in the heart, I'm losing him. Trus gue berusaha sekeras gue bisa untuk ikhlas. Gue pengen diem, gue pengen tau apa yang sebenernya gue harus hadapi dan apa yang harusnya gue terima. Apa yang harusnya gue sadari dan apa yang harusnya jadi pelajaran berharga buat gue. I stop questioning "Why", because some questions maybe exist just to be unanswered, beberapa pertanyaan mungkin emang ada tanpa langsung ada jawabannya supaya kita terus mencari. Beberapa pertanyaan mungkin emang dibuat tanpa jawaban, supaya kita menerima bahwa emang itu yang harus terjadi. Supaya kita berhenti menuntut tentang kenapa ga ada jawaban dari segala "kenapa" yang berulang-ulang kita tanyakan.

Dan pada akhirnya gue ga mau membohongi diri gue sendiri harapan untuk bisa seperti dulu lagi masih ada, walaupun udah jauuuuhh di bawah semua prioritas gue. Gue belajar untuk menerima. Belajar untuk mengerti bahwa ga semua hal dalam hidup ini bersifat everlasting, bahkan mungkin ga ada sama sekali, nothing lasts forever. Itu point yang paling besar yang harus gue pahami. Gue mengesampingkan semua keinginan gue untuk membuat keadaan yang dulu kembali lagi ke gue, karena belum tentu keseruan-keseruan yang ada saat itu bisa muncul lagi sekarang, belum tentu rasa nyaman itu bisa ada lagi. Karena mungkin semuanya udah terlalu terlambat dan akhirnya gue harus tetep disini, diam dan menerima. It's not that I give up or that I lose, it's about accepting and being patient.

I should say it's sad for me, suara gue bahkan mungkin bergetar waktu terakhir kali gue bicara sama dia via telepon, karena bagi gue, yang masih inget semuanya secara detil, itu sedih. Tapi dari sejuta usaha gue untuk membuat semuanya kembali seperti sedia kala, ga ada satu pun yang bisa diandalkan untuk jadi cara ampuh. Dan kemudian gue ngerti, semuanya bukan tentang hasil, tapi tentang usaha yang gue lakukan. Atleast I've tried, gue bukannya diem aja. I quit being someone who's hard to understand. I tried to talk and I did it. Dan setelah telepon itu ditutup, I feel a little bit free. Walaupun kesimpulan gue sampe di titik dimana semua akan tetep seperti sekarang. Plain. But it's okay, gue udah cukup menyalahkan diri sendiri, gue udah cukup menghukum diri gue sendiri untuk ini. Bahkan right before I write this, I read again some of our chats yang ada di arsip messenger. Semua yang ada selama dua tahun belakangan, haha-hihi, sampe sedih-sedih, semuanya masih ada. Then I smiled for what has happened. Maybe that was my one last try, dan hasilnya... I should say tetep sama seperti sekarang, ga bisa kembali seperti semula. Sadly but true, it may be my cue to stop hoping for the 'comeback', to stop questioning, to stop asking him, to stop fighting and to stop being sad. Not because I'm tired, but I just have to be easier, karena mungkin emang harus kayak gini. If life goes on, so I have to go with it, kan? ~~Or maybe I love too much to not let go.~~

photo by: @arisinaga, Bali 2010

And If that was my last chance, even if I canceled my wish to ask you back, I do hope I used it very well. And if things didn't go as I wished, I hope they go as you wished. Go fight for what you've dreamed of, be happy and good luck. You always know you're better than the best. Thank you for these lessons, a very good one. :)

PS: I just write. And remembered my friend give me a photo with a caption: If batman has gone, find your superman. Haha maybe I should give it a try.

Song #2

2010-11-08T22:20:00.001+07:00

Sadly...

If you used to use your privilege in writing in your blog but you don't have words to write, you may use song lyrics, huh?

Come Back to Me - Akon

Going crazy my heart is breaking
I can't sleep at all
Trying to get through this
Don't know how I'll do this
I know that I only got my self to blame (only got myself to blame)
But that doesnt help to ease the pain (doesnt help to ease the pain)
I'll just die if I can't see your face

Until you come back
I can't breath
Until you come back
I got no reason
Got my heart, my heart down on it's knees
I still need you beside me

Now it's morning
Your still gone and
I still reach for you (still reach for you)
Don't know how to
Live without you
I will, I could take back all the hurt I've caused
(take back all the hurt I've caused)
If I could give back all the love I lost
(give back all the love I lost)
The price I pay is just too high of a cost yea

Until you come back
I can't breath
Until you come back
I got no reason
Got my heart, my heart down on it's knees
I still need you beside me

Please forgive me (forgive me)
Let me have one more chance in your life (one more chance in your life)
Till your with me
I'll be half alive until you come back (back back)

Until you come back
I can't breath
Until you come back
I got no reason
Got my heart, my heart down on it's knees
Cause I need you beside me

Until you come back
I can't breath
Until you come back
I got no reason
Got my heart, my heart down on it's knees
I still need you beside beside beside beside me

Indonesia, Keep smile!

2010-11-06T20:17:00.002+07:00

Credit: Rulhaf

I just saw this picture on my other page's dashboard and then I realize one thing for sure:
We should keep smiling. I don't wanna think more about what causes these hardships for my country. I don't wanna talk about who's wrong and who's right. I don't wanna say anything about to whom the responsibilities of handling of the victims belong to. It's all us! Really it's us.

So anybody please stop blaming, stop arguing, it's not only our leader's thing. It's OUR thing. I think we'd better ask ourselves back: Is it true that these disasters are reminder for Indonesian's people who's been too individualistic, too many revenges, egoists, and selfish??

However guys, this is our country and those are our friends, our family, our relatives, our parts of this living, parts of this country. Don't waste your time blaming others, don't waste your energy by hating. See I hate the politicians in that very luxury building in Senayan, I know most of you do. But what's the use of hates?? What's the use of calling their arrogant names?? What's the use of expecting them to understand and be smarter?? Let's be true to ourselves. We don't need them who don't care about us (they're such wastes!-red.)

So if you care, make yourself useful. Right now guys. Right now. Atleast, help them to stay smiling and cure their pains in their hearts by drawing smiles in their faces, help them move on from all the losings. You can do MANY things!

There's so much sad gonna flood the ocean
with all the tears from a world that's broken
There comes a time when every bird has to fly
At some point every rose has to die
I'm sick of looking for those heroes in the sky
To teach us how to fly
Together we cry, we cry, we cry
We Cry - The Script

Allah is with us if we do believe in His prescence and plans :)

Song #1

2010-11-02T22:13:00.004+07:00

I've been listening to this song over and over again....

Senggigi Beach, Lombok, April 2008 (photo by: Dany)

Bruno Mars - Move On

How do I end up in the same old place,

faced again with the same mistakes,

so stubborn thinkin I know what is right,

but life proves me wrong everytime,

takin roads that lead me nowhere,

how do I expect to get there,

but when will I learn to just put you first.

I come to you now when I need you,

but why do I wait to come see you,

I always try to do this on my own but I was wrong cause only with you can I move on. Can I move on.

So? Just blame me, and I'll keep blaming myself. Because all I think was right, is total wrong! For so long, I was putting myself in the wrong place. I just can put myself into regrets. I was trying to go on by myself, and it ended up again with the same pattern, I'm lost.

When I awake it's you that makes

me strong,

and I know that you've been with me all along,

so many times I begin to close my eyes and listen to my heart,

with you life is so easy why do I

make it hard,

oh takin roads that lead me nowhere how do I expect to get there when will I Learn to just put you first.

At first, I had you, hanging in front of the monitor, always there for me. I got you watching over me. I had you brightening my days. You're one of best friends I've got and at the same time you're a great brother (like what we unofficially defined who we were.-red) and you're a manly man. But back then when I thought it wasn't for sure, I decided to leave and pushed you away. I made it hard for myself when it's not really a thing. I was too strict. I was too stubborn, I was too childish.

(hey!)

I come to you now when I need you,

but why do I wait to come see you,

I always try to do this on my own but I was wrong cause only with you can I move on.

I get out of my own way, let you have your way.

Cause I realize I'm no good on my own,

I'm there for you, I'll sell for you

I can't live without you. Noooo

I come to you now when I need you, why do I wait to come see you,

I always try to do this on my own but I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong. With only you, only you, with only you. Can I move on, can I move on, can I move on,

Then finally I found myself drowned in stupid mistakes I've made. I was total wrong. The worst part is that I couldn't make you understand how I feel. I was too stupid, made you think you're that bad. I pushed you away when actually I knew I'm gonna be sober. Who's more moron than me??

So how do I begin this November with these effusive thoughts?

Please don't be too long, griefs. I'm gonna wanna sing the next song: Today My Life Begins by Bruno Mars.

Pathetic

2010-10-30T22:43:00.004+07:00

How you type smileys while your heart aches.

Pathetic how you shout happiness and laugh out loud while your mind trapped in sadness.

Just wondering why there's a word 'pathetic'. It could have ever happened in everyone's life.

Sounds like misery.

Has it ever happened to you? Pretending you're okay, act outstandingly great that you're fine.

There are some people keep doing this unconsciously just because they have many things to say but don't have any idea how to express them or too afraid of not getting a nice respond.

Mostly they're people who hide-then-wish-to-be-fine. They may be keeping pains in their heart. They're still smiling but they're close to tears. Sometimes they just want to be cared for by the person they're talking to. They need his/her attentions.

But then again, they fake their smiles. Ah life...

I bet they want to be noticed for the way they fake their laughters and smiles. But the problem is that it's hard to find a person who understand. Well sometimes maybe they just have to be true to themselves, be strong, or braver then release all those hidden feelings.

I'm just wondering, anyway...
These times are hard.

We Got the Way!

2010-10-24T21:10:00.007+07:00

Model: Ndhit, credit: Me and Dina

Beberapa minggu kebelakang gue selalu pulang malem, bahkan kemaleman. Ga kayak biasanya. Udah dari semester kapan tau sih, tapi yang ini jadi sesuatu yang rutin, pulang malem karena seharian ada di lab buat ngerjain karil alias skripsi. Let's say gue jauh dari kata mengeluh. Bukannya mau nyombong, tapi mungkin keadaan yang bikin gue lama-lama sangat terbiasa dan malah lebih ke arah menikmati semuanya. Mungkin gue malah lebih seneng sibuk-sibuk begini daripada harus ngerasa nothing to do, nowhere to be, no one but me, kayak yang John Mayer pernah nyanyiin di Perfectly Lonely-nya. Daripada gue terus mikirin hal-hal yang sebenernya ga baik kalo terus-terusan gue pikirin, somehow my daily activities make me easy to get along with an 'unfinished business' that crosses my mind almost everyday, every single day.

Ngelab setiap hari sampe malem (kadang termasuk hari libur), jadwal yang berantakan karena banyaknya faktor X yang bikin spesimen-spesimen karil jadi ruwet dan adaaa aja kesalahannya, alat di lab yang terbatas dan harus ganti-gantian, ujian, dan tugas presentasi dan diskusi per minggu kadang bikin gue dan temen-temen stress. Ya siapa juga yang ga stress?

"Amiiiiiii aku mau nangiiiisss.... Huhuhu streessss!"

"Innalillahiwainnailaihi raji'un, Candida Albicans-ku mati, harus ulang dari awal lagi penelitiannya........"

"Pokoknya besok mau nge lab pagi! Cukup sudah pulang malam 2 hari sendirian naik bis cape. Sampe kampus harus jam 6 pagi! Plis abis bsk harus bangun pagi. Tetap semangat! -_-"

"Dokternya minta gue bahas perbedaan bentuk rahang tiap suku di Indonesia dan pengaruhnya, disuruh cari referensi di Arkeologi, ya ampun gue kan udah selesai kerjain berdasarkan umur, trus masa nambah lagi??"

I should say I'm lucky enough to get my own specimens quite easier than some of my friends. Yang susah mungkin gue harus bolak balik ke kantor orang lain yang punya alat buat penelitian gue, karena di kampus gue ga ada alat itu. Itu dia kenapa pas gue lagi di kampus dan belum bisa kerjain penelitian gue sendiri (yang sebenernya cukup ribet setelah gue pikir-pikir), I stay at the lab, try to help my friends, not because I can do better, but sometimes I just feel too worry about them, you know? Your closest ones get mad with their own project? Something like that. It's scary sometimes, and I can see it in their tired eyes. Hehehe.

Ibu pernah bilang hal yang pas beliau bilang, bikin leher gue sakit karena nahan air mata. Intinya sabar itu penting, dalam segi apapun, ga ada yang namanya salah dalam bersabar, dan dalam hal apapun sabar selalu punya arti positif, and we can't blame patience for something that's going wrong. Because behind all complains got out of our mouth there always be a way to solve all the problems we met. As long as we do it for good reason. "Allah pasti kasih jalan selama kamu ngerjain ini semua untuk hal yang baik, bukan untuk kejahatan, bukan untuk nyelakain orang", gitu yang Ibu bilang. Sederhana, tapi nyata. Percaya ga percaya, being patient helps! Karena gue udah berkali-kali nyoba, dan semua itu selalu membawa gue ke perasaan lebih nyaman dan ikhlas buat ngejalaninnya, and (for one more time), believe it or not, it got easier.

Kadang gue juga ngeluh luar biasa, bahkan untuk hal-hal sepele, seperti jerawat yang tiba-tiba muncul atau karena supir bus AC yang merokok (yang ini ga sepele juga sih, :D). Gue juga ngeluh karena diantara baju-baju gue, ternyata ga ada sama sekali dress yang bermotif bunga-bunga, padahal untuk tema buku angkatan di kampus, gue dan kelompok gue akan pake dress flowery. Gue ngeluh karena tugas kuliah blok ini sangat tidak menarik dan gue sangat tidak tersentuh untuk (bahkan) sekedar baca contekan dari senior untuk bikin bahan diskusi. Gue kadang ngeluh karena hujan malem hari bikin sepatu gue basah dan bus yang gue tumpangi penuh sesak dan pengap, ngeluh karena kalo mau keluar malem minggu gue akan tergantung dengan tumpangan atau sama sekali ga pergi karena gue ga punya mobil sendiri. Gue juga pernah ngeluh untuk tugas Kersos yang hampir menyita sejuta rencana liburan indah gue. Gue ngeluh karena makanan di rumah itu-itu aja.

Tapi semua balik lagi ke gue sendiri, gue pernah ngeluh ini itu, dan semua ga pernah bisa bikin semua masalah gue selesai, kecuali waktu gue ngeluh ke Allah, ngadu dan nangis sama Dia karena gue udah ngerasa cukup dan ga kuat. Once Ibu has had said about being thankful for rainy days when I got to curse at them a lot, "Alhamdulillah dong ujan, jadi ada air buat minum, masak, nyuci, mandi. Ujan tuh berkah, tapi kalo kamu ga bersyukur ya ga berkah aja bawaannya". And she said "Alhamdulillah panas, baju jadi kering semua, jalanan ga banjir, kamu bisa ke kampus, papa bisa ke kantor" when I cursed at the heat in Jakarta.

Then yesterday I read a sentence, "I cried because I had no shoes then I met a man with no feet". Kata Bochan itu pepatah Turki, dan gue tertohok setertohok-tertohoknya. How can you go to campus without feet? Gimana bisa kerja tanpa kaki? Gimana bisa injek gas mobil? Gimana bisa berdiri di bus pas lagi penuh tanpa kaki?? Dan kemudian dari sekian banyak keluhan gue di atas, di bus, di halte, di terminal, di stasiun, di jalan, di kereta, gue liat mas-mas, anak kecil, bapak-bapak, dan ibu-ibu, bahkan anak cewe yang masih kecil jualan barang-barang yang bisa dibilang ga terlalu esensial, ngamen, dan ngemis buat nyari duit buat makan, ga sempet mikir buat ganti baju, dan ga kepikiran buat bisa sekolah. For some reasons, I can say I'm already grateful enough for what I have today, for the blessings I've got everyday, for having things and loves. But a human is human, you know what I really mean, huh?

Setiap hari, setiap saat, dari segala hal sulit yang gue hadapi, semua yang pernah bikin gue ngerasa pantes buat ngeluh dan mencaci maki keadaan bikin gue akhirnya malu sendiri buat ngeluh. Istilahnya, think first before you act! Sebelum ngeluh mikir dulu, are you deserved to complain? Bener kata ibu, buat ngeluh, liat ke bawah, jangan liat ke atas, nanti kesandung. She simply said it and I always remember that all my life.

So guys look at your blessed and happy life! Masih bisa berandai-andai untuk jalan-jalan ke tempat-tempat bagus di dunia, masih bisa punya waktu luang buat bermimpi dan mikirin masa depan dan cita-cita, bahkan bisa merencanakan untuk sampe ke masa depan yang cerah itu. Punya pendidikan, punya kesempatan buat jadi pinter, jadi dokter, pilot, pengusaha, bos, teknisi, daaan lainnyaa. You got the way! What if you don't even have time to dream? All you think is about what to eat today without knowing if tomorrow you have to do fasting or not, how? Get a life, sometimes we just forget how to be thankful. I do, too.

Goodluck guys, we're on our beautiful way to a very bright and wonderful future! :)
Insya Allah, everything will be okay, help is on the way. Let's rooooccckkk Karil! :D

'Labil' Places

2010-10-16T00:05:00.006+07:00

Anak muda jaman sekarang kan kalo ngeledek suka pake kata 'labil' ya, bahkan ya, for something I even don't really understand, gue sering dibilang "Ratu Labil". Busjeeng, agak frontal ya? Tenang, gak usah ribet, gue dan temen-temen gue yang notabenenya mayoritas cewe semua (gue kan kuliah di 'F'akultas 'K'ebanyakan 'G'adis) emang kalo lagi stress sama tugas kuliah, praktikum, diskusi, presentasi, ujian, sampe kepanitiaan, apalagi sekarang lagi sibuk-sibuknya sama penelitian alias karil alias karya ilmiah alias skripsi, pasti adaaa aja yang dibicarain, adaaa aja yang jadi pelampiasan (dan diantara sibuk-sibuknya itu gue masih sempet lho posting blog! Emang efek bawel aja sih, hahaha).

Dan dalam hal ini, let's say gue dan temen-temen gue seperti punya our own wagon buat melampiaskan semuanya: PLURK! I guess I should make a very unimaginable gratitude for those who made plurk exists in cyber world. Kenapa? Ya panjang aja kalo mesti ditulis di sini semua :D. Tapi intinya kata-kata labil itu sering muncul di sana, yang mana sampe sekarang gue masih aja loh belom paham apa sih sebenernya definisi labil itu. Menurut kamus sih labil artinya gak stabil (gak membantu sama sekali ya tuh kamus), yah pokoknya gak tetap lah gitu. Bisa dibilang labil itu masih belom dewasa dan sukanya main-main aja, ada lagi yang bilang labil itu masih sedarah plus sedaging sama galau. Nah dalam plurk edisi beberapa hari lalu, labil didefinisikan sebagai 'galau'. Jadi kalo ada statement 'labil place' atau 'labil moment' artinya tempat-tempat dan moment-moment yang bikin galau. Pas temen gue post plurk tentang labil place itu, beuh, semua langsung respon, jadi deh rentetan nama-nama tempat yang bikin galau. Hahaha and that was just so fun! Really!

And, just because this is my page, so just go and read, it's my way to write out the 'labil' place of mine! Hohoho (labil moment-nya jangan ya, bahaya, jangan tanya kenapa deh pokoknya, hohoho). Dan kayaknya lebih enak kalo labil place diganti dengan kata "gloomy place", lebih nyambung aja. Okay let's start the count!

Jalanan Thamrin-Sudirman. Kalo ada yang temenan sama gue di foursquare, mungkin tau gue pernah jadi mayor di jalan ini, sekarang sih udah enggak, udah jarang lewat dan pas mudik lebaran kemaren, ada yang mengambil singgasana gue disana, gak nyangka ada aja orang iseng mau check-in di tempat sambil lewat doang kayak gitu (gue juga dong iseng?). Gue kan suka lewat situ naik bus sore menjelang malam di saat semua pada mengutuk macetnya jalanan di sana pas jam-jam segitu, gue anteng duduk di pinggir kaca bus sambil denger musik terus liatin jalanan, suka aja, liat gedung-gedung tinggi (norak ya gue?), liat mobil-mobil di jalanan, dan pastinya dengan gue menaiki bus maka posisi gue lebih tinggi dari mobil-mobil itu dan masih lebih rendah dari gedung-gedung itu kan. Bahkan kadang inspirasi gue nulis muncul selama perjalanan itu. Jadi enak aja, apalagi pas ujan, wih mendukung banget kan tuh buat menggalaui hidup! Dari mulai Monas, Sarinah, sampe Bunderan HI, Menara BCA, sampe Semanggi. Di saat semua orang ngeluh capek dan bete sama macetnya, gue? Menikmati dan merenung dengan khusyuk, Hahahahahaha...
Bandara Soekarno-Hatta. Gue dari kecil udah sering banget bolak balik ke sana, secara cuma 15 menit dari rumah. Apalagi bokap sama nyokap gue kerja di sana. Dan tempat favorit gue adalah lantai atas yang bisa liat pesawat take-off. Eh tapi gak disitu doang sih, di mana-mana kalo bandara sih bisa aja bikin galaunya. Hahaha. gue jadi inget film Love Actually yang setting-annya di bandara, kalimatnya "love actually is all around" dari mulai cerita yang hepi sampe sedih ada di bandara. Juga jadi inget sama beberapa film atau video klip musik yang biasanya ambil setting di bandara, ya perpisahan lah, ya ketemuan setelah sekian lama ga ketemu lah, ya putus cinta lah, ya berusaha move on dengan kabur ke luar negeri lah (gak termasuk adegan mafia atau intelijen yang ketemu pasangannya di bandara kayak film Knight and Day ya). Dan semua adegan bandara yang berhasil bikin para penonton sok-sokan nahan air mata itu juga berhasil bikin gue akhirnya memutuskan bandara adalah nomer dua di list ini. Soalnya pernah aja gue merenungi sesuatu di bandara malem-malem, apalagi pas pergi ke Ternate Juli kemaren, tengah malem naik pesawatnya, pas mau naik semriwing dingin, dingin kayak hati gue (bahasa mulai gak karuan berbanding lurus dengan semakin larutnya waktu gue ngetik ini). Lol.
Jembatan "Galau" di Weda, Halmahera Tengah. Eyaaa agak susah ya mendeskripsikan tempat ini, tapi gue rasa (seperti kata salah seorang temen gue yang ngambilin foto gue di sana) siapapun yang diem disana beberapa menit aja pasti hormon-hormon galaunya langsung bekerja. Sunyi, senyap, dingin, sepi, terus pemandangannya air danau yang merupakan pertemuan sungai dan laut. Kalo malem, bulannya jelas banget mantul ke permukaan air, walaupun kalo nengok ke belakang rada scary sih, sepi beneran soalnya kayak hutan. Tapi pas gue kesana kan rame-rame tuh sama tim Kersos gue, jadi ga begitu galau, tapi ya kerasa aja, semua tempat di Weda tuh bisa banget bikin energi lo banyak (buat merenung). Hehehe.

We call it "Galau Bridge" in Weda. Lol. Well you may just imagine if you were there!

Aaannd the count ends here. Banyak lah kalo mau di sebut semua satu-satu, termasuk sanggar Sispalaya di SMA gue dulu bisa dibilang gloomy place (karena beberapa hal, hehe), but as you moved on, you can change all the 'gloomy place' you've listed. As you move to another phase of life, your value on something may change and may be different. Gue bisa bilang kalo lo punya suatu kenangan tentang suatu tempat, lo bisa terus inget itu kalo lo dateng ke tempat itu lagi, but life goes on, walaupun lo mungkin gak akan lupa sama semua kejadian itu, the way you feel about that may change, you will eventually be just fine (if that's a sad memory) and you will slowly feel nothing but just okay. Jadi pas lo lewat atau dateng lagi ke tempat-tempat itu, you may have finally reached the point when you think of it only occasionally atau bahkan sama sekali bukan jadi prioritas pikiran lo. Karena yaa, time heals, just like your blood stream flows through the vessels, like the wind blows and like the day passes by, everything goes on, gak ada yang stagnan.

So, I just wonder what else would be my gloomy places after these, hehehe. Let's see, then! :D

Tau gak? Menurut gue sih...

2010-10-13T02:51:00.002+07:00

Yang pantes buat protes, ngeluh, marah sama kemacetan Jakarta tuh ya pengguna kendaraan umum, udah rela naik kendaraan umum, udah panas-panasan, desek-desekan, tapi mereka udah melakukan yang baik, naik kendaraan umum.
Yang jadi salah satu kebijakan pemerintah untuk mengurangi kemacetan adalah kendaraan umum, jadi mereka-mereka yang udah pake kendaraan umum-lah yang udah dengan sengaja atau tidak menjadi bijak untuk mengurangi kemacetan kota ini.
Tapi, yang banyak ngeluh, ngomel, marah juga nongol dari para pengguna kendaraan pribadi. Hey guys, kalian juga looh yang jadi salah satu penyebab utama kemacetan itu terjadi. :) (Regardless, supir kendaraan umum yang suka sradak sruduk yaa, hahaha)
Gapapa sih, pake kendaraan pribadi, gue juga kadang pake, rada kesel kalo di jalan tol sama bus-bus, bete kalo di jalan bukan tol sama motor-motor, tapi kan tapi kan tapi kan, tapi jangan ngomel-ngomel ah, kan kita-kita juga yang bikin macet, makanya sama-sama ngerasain macetnyaaaahhhh... :*
Emang Jakarta udah kacau banget macetnya, saking parahnya kerugiannya bisa mencapai 5,5 trilyun per tahunnya (SITRAMP 2004). Bisa buat bayar utang negara kan? Lol.
Jadi yaudah sih, kita-kita juga yang bikin macet, mau protes sama pemerintah juga, bukannya pemerintah belom pernah bikin kebijakan ini itu dan diem aja, udah. Tapi yaa masih macet aja kan? Siapa yang bikin macet? Mau main salah-salahan? Udah macet, malah tambah bikin mumet, mending kitanya aja yang agak mengurangi tarik urat leher, cengar cengir aja dikit, manis kan? :D

Be wise guys :)

They Deserve My Best

2010-10-08T16:45:00.004+07:00

For your smile, I'd fight.
For your happiness, I'd do.
For your tears of joy, I'd go.
I'd do anything to make myself feel your tight hug, and feel the triumph of your joys
I'd fight for your dream, fight for your pride, for your honor.

Papito and Mamita a.k.a Papa dan Ibu :)

If I should work in a rich man's farm to live, if I should walk 30 kilometers by feet to school, if I should eat only 'sambal' and rice everyday, if I should work in a big ranch and keep all the fowls healthy to continue living, if I should lose a father at the age of 11, if I should plow a farm after school, if I should sell the paddy and cassavas in traditional market which is 20 kilometers from home, I might not be here, sitting in front of the notebook you gave me as a gift for my 'Indeks Prestasi' last semester in an comfy room, I might not be able to continue living, I might not see my coming future so bright like what I have now. Without all those almost-unbelievable things you've done in your past times, I won't be anything today. Without your tryings, without your prayers and love which are never stopped by any disasters might happen in this fragile mother earth, I might not sit in one of the best dentistry schools in the world, enjoying lectures, watching movies after class in cinemas, shopping at the malls, doing the 'ajojing' times with friends, which are never be the same as what you've experienced in your adolescence period, in your 20's.

I should say, to make you disappointed is my biggest failure, to see you sad is my worst sadness. And being the reason of your tears will be the most horrible idea of my whole life. That's why, Ibu, Papa, I won't be a part of the causes of your bad days. Moreover I will never let you having a bad day. I should admit I envy those who are able to give all things their parents need, I envy those who had their own salary that always can bring their mother to salon, having a simple spa, enjoying creambath routinely. I wished I could have my own money to buy papa those favorite shoes, those edgy ties, even those charming cars. I wished I could fly Ibu to Mekkah, one of the biggest things she's been wanting for, so long.

And you postpone those willings, you throw away your desire, store your money for my future. Keep your hard work with your weak body to make sure I can eat properly everyday, to make sure I, my brother and sister have bright future.

All I know is that nothing compares your sacrificing for me, but one day, I'll make it all happen for you in return. Regardless the "nothing compares". I'm on my way. Bismillah...

Happy 23rd Marriage Anniversary (Oct 4th) and Happy 54th Birthday Papaaaa (today!)

Oh God help us!

2010-10-03T23:13:00.004+07:00

Days ago, I heard news in almost all media I could reach, people killed people, groups of people burned another group of people, chaos here and there, hates and revenge everywhere. Seems like one's right for life has nothing more compared with nuts. I can't help but wondering why do people become so easy to hate, why do they become so easy to murder? Where did they put their humanly rational logic? Or are we still livin in jahiliyah time, using jahiliyah style?

Then again, there came other news about train accidents, happened twice in a week. The dead victims almost reach 35 people, and there was a pregnant woman binded under the broken train body. Accidents by accidents happened in this country. People begins to blame the government, fears and hates grow rapidly.

So my almighty God, Allah, what happen in this country? When one of good things the world knows about this country is the friendliness of its people, why do the people here full of revenge and hates? Are we faking smiles to the world? Are we lying about our religious character??

And about democracy, are we actually ready enough to have it as our system in the government? Are we smart enough to understand the real meaning of democracy so that we can use it properly? Are we capable enough to run this as our principle?? If we are, so why do the people keep complaining and complaining without correcting themselves? Without looking in the mirror who won't change? Because I believe, Allah, I believe that this country won't change if its people only complain and complain without trying to have a brave heart to understand they're ones who really run this country. Not only the government. They're ones who has responsibilty to bring back this country's good name. That's democracy, you have rights to talk but in every single demand and opinion you say, you have obligations to give a hand to make it real. Walk your talk, guys. I mean, we ain't perfect, but we, realize it or not, keep in mind that what we say is right and what they do is wrong. Don't talk if you're unwilling to walk it. So can we? Can we??

I'm not here to state I'm the-always-right, but I'm always willing to be patient and careful enough before I started to complain, and I'm on my way of learning. So guys, we say we love this country but why do we keep damaging its image? Allah please help us, guide us. Throw away hates between us.

Amin...

Credit: Mongkih

"Ayolah!"

2010-09-29T17:02:00.006+07:00

Photo by Hanna Smith

Malam itu dia sudah lelah seperti malam-malam sebelumnya, tugas kuliah seharian, skripsi yang masih revisi, praktikum yang melelahkan, macetnya kota Jakarta yang tak ada tandingannya, flu yang menyerang karena kehujanan beberapa hari belakangan cukup membuatnya untuk hibernasi seperti beruang. Dia cuci muka, sholat isya, cek semua pekerjaan yang dia kerjakan malam itu, notebook-nya masih menyala. Salah memang online saat waktunya tidur, mata pasti akan tetap terbuka walaupun tubuh rasanya remuk. Tapi bukan, bukan karena cahaya LCD notebook. Tapi karena pikiran yang belum juga pernah beranjak dari dasar otaknya.

"Aku lagi kangen seseorang *cieeeh hahaha", dia ketik chat ke salah satu temannya yang mengajaknya ngobrol. Sambil bercanda, "tapi orangnya diem aja, ga tau apa pura2 ga tau."

"Tapi aku udah ga komunikasi lagi sama dia. Sepertinya aku punya salah yang ga bisa dimaafin, atau mungkin dia udah bosen, aku ini mungkin cuma bisa lewat sekilas, ga ada artinya... Hahaha..."

"Trus jadinya aku ga bisa bilang atau kasih tau kalo aku butuh dia. Dia ga mau lagi ngomong sama aku", dia berhenti. Habis kata-kata. Merasa salah menulis semua itu. Semakin serius, kepalanya pening tiba-tiba.

"Kenapa dia diam? Sapalah...", ternyata temannya menyimak penuh perhatian.

"Ga bisa...", dia mulai bingung, mengusap wajahnya, tak pernah habis pikir kenapa semua ini rasanya berat.

"Ayolah! Kenapa??", temannya mendesak, entah apa yang dipikirnya, semua tidak mudah.

"Soalnya dia (mungkin) sibuk banget sekarang, aku cuma akan ganggu"

"Oh.. Tapi sapalah, smslah..."

"Aku sudah janji sama diriku sendiri, juga mungkin dia, untuk ga berhubungan sama dia lagi. Maybe he's beginning to hate me."

"Kenapa??", temannya mulai bingung dan tak sabar.

"Ga ngerti", dia mencelos, kenapa rasanya selalu seperti sakit sekali ketika harus membicarakan soal ini. "Selama ini kayaknya aku cuma ganggu, apa aku semenggaggu itu ya? Aku pernah ajak ngomong, aku pernah bilang ini itu, dia udah ga peduli dan diem aja".

"Yaudah. lupakan, cari yang lain", jawaban yang singkat, selalu dia terima sebagai saran dari semua orang berbeda tentang hal yang sama. Tapi jawaban ini pasti dan jelas harus dia lakukan.

"Iya ya? Tadinya aku mau nunggu lho padahal... ",

".....", dia diam.

Apa harus dia menunggu? Hari semakin malam, banyak yang akan memenuhi pikirannya lebih penuh, lebih sesak, esok hari. Dia berhenti menulis, pamit dan sign out dari chat room. Waktunya berhenti memikirkan kenapa semua kesibukan dan rasa lelah yang dia rasakan belum juga bisa membuang semua ingatan dan rasa yang sama, selalu ada. Setidaknya berhenti untuk malam ini. Besoknya, mungkin pikiran yang sama, datang lagi.

If I could, then I would.

2010-09-17T21:03:00.005+07:00

"Make you feel my love" by: Me and Dina @ Tidore

If I could let you understand one thing. That the sky won’t let rain drop if it feels happy. and how can you state the sky is happy? it’s when you see sky so blue, brightens your days, boosts up your mood, draws a smile in your face. and it’s when you know rain won’t drop. and at that very moment, I wished I could tell you how beautiful the sky is, I wished I could text you to see the sky soon, I wished I could tell you how much happy I am. I wished I could share happy things, funny things with you again, and laugh together.

If I could tell you one thing. That the sun shines so bright that it hurts my skin, reddens my eyes then brings tears to them. that’s when I feel so all alone, hurt, am remembering bad times, seeing hurting facts, regretting all mistakes I’ve made. that’s when I finally feel I need someone to talk to, someone to listen every single worry of mine. someone who will say “stop your tears”, someone who always turns all the worries into something funny. that was you.

If I could let you see one thing. That the stars are there seeing me here while I’m wondering why I can’t get over the past. I look at the stars, I ask them why they shine so bright, why they don’t reflect sun light like one thing moon does. why they can survive in the dark, how they can have their own light. I wished I could let you see how I beg the stars to explain why and why and why. I wished I could ask you to tell something nice then, something would make me feel calm.

If I could show you one thing. That when sometimes, in the middle of the night or nearly to dawn I’m awake, the first thing I remember are times we used to spend every time I find it hard to close my eyes again. and that’s when I wished I could kick you out of my mind, so hard that it hurt your back. But then again, we all know it never worked.

But that’s the point of “if”. What’s the power of “if” anyway?

It’s only when I feel like I need something so badly that it hurts. When then I know that something would never come because it never hears, never knows, never sees, never cares, never understands what have been wished by me. It’s only when “if” works; when I wouldn’t be able to do anything to make everything feels better.